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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
Whoisshequestionmark · 06/10/2018 11:21

If me and my H should ever divorce I'll be keeping my name. Not just becuase of our children but because its MY name. Not my married name, not a borrowed name by my name. I wouldn't change it again.

And YANBU. Change it if you want to. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

happypoobum · 06/10/2018 11:24

I bet you all £10,000,000 that if OP's husband to be ever splits with her, and remarries, she will have no problem in referring to his "third wife" Grin

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 11:26

Have your new husband take your name

Why? Why encourage a separation of parent and child? Can you I,whine how that would feel to his daughter?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 11:26

I,whine = imagine

thisneverendingsummer · 06/10/2018 11:28

Yeah of course you should take his name. Most women do (despite many posters on MN claiming that independent, sassy women who are feisty and secure in themselves, would NEVER take their husband's name!) Wink

On the flip side of this...

I know women who have got divorced from a man, and he has remarried (5-7 years later) and the ex wife has kept his surname (now hers obvs!) And the new wife is pissed off, and wants the old wife to go back to her maiden name.

She doesn't! Nor should she HAVE to ... No-one owns a name. So unfortunately for your step daughter (to be,) she needs to suck it up. You are entitled to take your husband-to-be's name!

IamaBluebird · 06/10/2018 11:29

Surely all this needs is a little understanding . Your daughter is older and leading her own life. Your dsd is still very young and finding her way.
Also don't bring up all this first and only wife stuff. You can have your own opinion but in reality there was a first wife which makes you a second wife. Nothing wrong with this at all .

DeaflySilence · 06/10/2018 11:30

"I would sign myself as "The Current Mrs X" if ExW is going to be chintzy ."

Wouldn't do that ^. Sounds like a temporary position. Smile

SnorkFavour · 06/10/2018 11:30

You are the ONLY wife as you say, but you are, respectfully, most certainly the 2nd wife! The other woman is the first wife he had.

At first I thought the DSD was BU but the way you won't accept the second wife thing does make me wonder if there's more of an issue here than it first appeared and this could be why DSD has an issue with it.

I might be completely wrong but if you can't accept that you're the second wife he's had, to my mind, that's strange. When I married my first husband I was his second but only wife. I was initially quite jealous of the time they had together but I never thought I wasn't the second one there.

But if I'm wrong then DSD is BU.

The husband I have now, while he's the love of my life and while I hate that I was married before him, he's still my 2nd husband.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 06/10/2018 11:39

I think if dsd is happy with the idea of you marrying her dad and this is her only little hang up I would consider indulging her feelings a bit and going for a variation. Maybe a hyphenated version of yourname-hisname.

honeylulu · 06/10/2018 11:47

I think OP is confusing "second" with "secondary".

Apropos of nothing in particular, my husband has been married before and his first wife took his name ... and kept it when they divorced (no kids) ... even more oddly she remarried and kept H's name because she preferred it (no idea what her 2nd husband made of that!). Meanwhile I married him and kept my own name. We both find it very amusing that someone no longer his wife calls herself Mrs X and his current wife doesn't.

LuckyDiamond · 06/10/2018 11:49

His ex wife is not a Mrs anymore. She is a Ms. She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs

Yes she can. Ms can be chosen but no one is compelled to be one.

honeylulu · 06/10/2018 11:49

Oh and if you want to change your name, do it but no need too make a song and dance about it. personally I hate the tradition of women changing their names like chattels being passed around

funinthesun18 · 06/10/2018 11:53

I’m actually very glad my dp’s ex wife changed her surname back to her maiden name. The only reason being is that she would have the same name as my children and I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t like that at all.
I don’t ever want to get married, so she unknowingly did me a big favour changing her name.

Duskqueen · 06/10/2018 11:57

I was all to support you, if you want to change your name go for it, until you started insisting that you aren't his second wife. Of course your his second wife, just because he got divorced from his first wife, doesn't stop her from being his first wife. This will be his second marriage, his second wife, as he is your second husband.

ferrier · 06/10/2018 12:01

Unfortunately, it is fact, not opinion, that you are the second wife. Therefore you can't have an opinion that you are not the second wife because it is fact that you are.

Holidayshopping · 06/10/2018 12:03

*happypoobum

I bet you all £10,000,000 that if OP's husband to be ever splits with her, and remarries, she will have no problem in referring to his "third wife" grin*

Yep-you can see that one coming!!

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 12:04

Of course yanbu. But neither is the ex in wanting to keep her married name so she shares it with her dd.
I would have just kept it light with dsd and said something like ‘well you call me Julie (or whatever) and your mum mum so it won’t be confusing’. Bit of a non issue really.

64BooLane · 06/10/2018 12:15

*Therefore you can't have an opinion that you are not the second wife because it is fact that you are.”

The OP seems to prefer “alternative facts” though. We’re living in a post-truth society, after all.

LexieLulu · 06/10/2018 12:16

Would ex not be Ms ...?

Is that how it works? I don't really know!

Anyway neither you or ex are wrong for using name? DSD probably had heard ex making a jealous comment and has repeated

Original poster
Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 12:17

Interesting how total strangers know exactly how I’ll refer to my soon to be husband’s next wife 🤣🤣

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 06/10/2018 12:18

I broadly agree with @AynRandTheObjectivist that the OP's dogged obsession with not being the second wife despite the fact that she obviously will be could potentially be very telling.

I don't know whether it belies a specific attitude towards his DD or not (as in a possible repression of his previous life etc) but it may well be indicative of OP's general attitude in that she will do things and see things exactly how she wants with little regard to her DP's DD (or anyone maybe). I suspect the poor child is feeling marginalised in her own home which is not nice.

diddl · 06/10/2018 12:19

". She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs"

Oh dear lord-of course she can-it's her legal name!!

Where do people get this crap from?

A man I know took his wife's surname on marriage.

They divorced & have both remarried-all four now have the same surname!

SuchAToDo · 06/10/2018 12:20

If you want to take your husband's name.then of course you can...if step daughter doesn't like their being two Mrs.... Then ex wife should change her name as she is no longer a Mrs, and no longer married to your husband, so it seems a bit pointless her still calling herself Mrs...which to an outsider would portray her as being the wife

Catsandbootsandbootsandcats · 06/10/2018 12:25

I was the second wife. But his ex changed her name back to her maiden name.

I'm now separated but will not be changing my name, nor will I change Mrs to Ms. I'd like to keep the same name as my kids, and my maiden name was awful anyway. And I'm lazy and it sounds like too much hassle and paperwork.

If my ex gets married again then it will not bother me a bit that his next wife might choose to be Mrs X. I'm Mrs X. So is his mum, and his brother's wife as well. I'm sure everyone will cope!

Lizzie48 · 06/10/2018 12:32

It's very sad that posters assume that every marriage will break up at some point. I think one in two or three end in divorce, so by definition a lot don't. And most people don't go into a marriage thinking they're going to break up one day. Some optimism is a good thing.

But obviously, the OP might die before her DH, in which case he might marry another wife. It is therefore naive to assume that she will be the last wife. My MIL was completely knocked for six when my FIL died in a car accident as she never contemplated being without him, and she was totally unprepared for life on her own.