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AIBU?

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Original poster

Married name is same as DSD's mum and she objects

376 replies

Breakfastclubcrazy · 06/10/2018 07:55

I’ve name changed as I’ve written a few posts and combined they could be a little bit outing.

Had a conversation with soon to be step daughter last night, she’s 13, almost 14. I’m due to marry her dad in December. She was asking me about names and I said I’d be Mrs .... the same surname as her and her dad.

She told me I couldn’t be, as her mum is Mrs ..... now I’m not in the least bit insecure and understand why her mum is still Mrs ...... but surely I’m not BU to also call myself Mrs ....?

What do you think? Before I’m hammered I don’t care what her mum is calling herself one bit, I care what I’ll be called and I want to take my new husband’s name.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 10:41

If so it sounds as though she's not over the break up

Or maybe she wanted to have the same name as her children?

Just a thought.

happypoobum · 06/10/2018 10:41

I despise my XH but keep the name because

  1. I want the same name as my DC
  2. I am too lazy to change it
  3. I am too tight to pay to change it
4 My maiden name would sound a bit odd against my current occupation (sorry to be vague)

XH new wife is Mrs X. I am Ms X. I couldn't give a shit and I don't suppose she does either.

It sounds like a passing comment from DSD has been blown out of proportion by you OP. A simple statement outlining that her paternal grandmother/other rellies/other people have the same name would have caused a grin and a shrug surely?

Is it possible she is picking up on your dislike of her mother and that is what is behind this?

And of course you are his second wife. Don't be silly.

Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 10:42

Wow, there’s a lesson here people. Don’t change your name.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 06/10/2018 10:44

His ex wife is not a Mrs anymore. She is a Ms. She can keep his surname (as I would if I divorced my husband) but she can’t keep the Mrs.

This is nonsense. There's no legal basis for it at all. You could replace every other word with cabbage and it would be no less accurate than it is now.

Agree though, him taking your name might be worth considering OP. Or both double barrelling.

happypoobum · 06/10/2018 10:46

Agree with Paul I was Ms throughout my marriage. No change since divorce.

thegreylady · 06/10/2018 10:46

I took my dh’s surname when we married as for my generation that is/was the norm. My problem was having a different surname from my dc and the same one as his dc.
Oddly it bothered no one including his ex.
Women are always plagued by having a man’s surname father’s or husband’s. Even a single mum has her father’s last name which is passed on.
To me and mine your name is your first name and the surname is just an administrative tag. Teach your dsd that and take your dh2b’s name if you wish.

Dahlietta · 06/10/2018 10:49

Taking your partner's surname is outdated now.

Is it though? I don't know many married women of any age who haven't taken their husband's name. I'm not saying they should, but I would still consider it to be 'the norm'.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 06/10/2018 10:50

Women are always plagued by having a man’s surname father’s or husband’s.

Erm, no.

If you think a woman's husband has his own name, you have to think the woman had hers before she married too. If you think a woman's name isn't her own because it was her dad's first, then her husband doesn't have his own name either, and she's taking her FILs.

eatingtomuch · 06/10/2018 10:51

Why is the ex still Mrs X? Has she kept the name of a man she divorced?

When I divorced my children's father we discussed me changing my surname, but at the time they didn't want me to be different to them. I'd had the surname for 18 years at the time.

I'm not sure what I'd do now if I decided to ever marry again, also it would feel odd changing four years after the divorce.

LakieLady · 06/10/2018 10:51

My maiden name would sound a bit odd against my current occupation

You've got me guessing now! Would you be Nurse Nurse? PC Copper? Ms Driver the lorry driver? Grin

Ellie56 · 06/10/2018 10:52

I will be his only wife, his current wife, his last wife - but the second woman he married. He’s no longer married to the ex wife so I’m not the second. Hmm

Yeah right.

happypoobum · 06/10/2018 10:53

Lakie Seriously it would be that silly Grin

YeTalkShiteHen · 06/10/2018 10:53

I saw a PC Lawless on a tv programme the other day, that did tickle me!

PillowOfSociety · 06/10/2018 10:54

Yup, this is the problem with women re-branding themselves to the name of a man on marriage.

What would solve it is if your husband-to-be takes your name, or double barrels to your name, and you double barrel to his.

Then he will still share a name with his Dd, you two will share a name, there won’t be two ‘Mrs Ex-names’ (three if his mother is called it, too).

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/10/2018 10:57

Did a poster actually leap off a cliff and suggest that the stepdaughter must be an unwelcome reminder to the OP that he has a sexual past?!?

In the context of her dogged denial that she is the second wife, her animosity towards the first wife, and her dismissiveness towards her stepdaughter's feelings, yes, that is what I think could well be happening.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/10/2018 10:58

Loads of people have second, third even fourth wives and their previous wives keep their names. It’s not unusual where children are involved.

PillowOfSociety · 06/10/2018 10:59

It might actually be a bit weird for the Dd actually, to have another woman with the same name as her mum.

Plus it is setting her an example of women get named after the men they are with.

It is becjmkng outdated.

I think the double barrelling solution could work. Both do it.

HappyHippy45 · 06/10/2018 11:03

My sil hyphenated her name and db name when they got married. I'm not sure if it was so appease my ex sil or just what they wanted to do. I thought it was a good way to take db last name with out becoming another Mr "DB last name."

When my dad remarried, my mum was upset that there was another Mrs with the same name. TBH I found it a bit weird too.....and I was in my late 20s at the time.

It does need to be sensitively explained. I also think it may be coming from her mum too.

Lizzie48 · 06/10/2018 11:04

No, the OP isn't trying to wipe out the past, she herself has a past life, as she has said. She's become defensive about her relationship with her DSD because so many posters are making such negative assumptions about it. It sounds like she might be in denial about how a 13 year old might feel about another woman marrying her dad, though.

I am rather puzzled about your refusal to see yourself as your DH's second wife, however, @Breakfastclubcrazy chronologically that's what you are. It doesn't mean that his ex is still his wife. Chronologically, he's your second husband or did your first marriage never happen? Confused

ANNIEanonimouse · 06/10/2018 11:04

I just choose to interpret it differently

You can’t chose to interpret it differently, that’s not how the world works. You are set to become his second wife, he’s already had one, ergo you are the second. He will only have one current wife, true, but you cannot be his ‘first wife’ and so will be his second wife. You will look silly if you keep ‘choosing to interpret’ this differently, the same as someone who doesn’t accept 2+2=4 and insists it’s 2 because 2 and 2 are the same number, so it’s only 2.

...and just stop with the ‘and his last wife’ nonsense. It just makes you look very naive.

Talk to your DSD again, without making a big fuss, and ask why she thought you couldn’t both be Mrs HusbandsFamilyName. At least try to understand if it’s just a misunderstanding or if she feels upset by it. Of course it’s your decision to make (and it’s clear you won’t be changing your mind) but at least try to find out why she said it and if she needs any reassurance.

Oh, and her DAD being happy and providing a stable home does not mean she must be happy, she’s a person in her own right, with her own feelings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2018 11:12

I think kitty1013 had it right on the first page.

I changed my name when I married DH, my second husband and my DSC were happy we all have the same name now. His ex is also Mrs x, as is his mother and SIL. It’s a common name. We were planning to have a DC when we married and wanted all the DC to have the same names.

She’ll come round OP and it’s not for discussion. Your wedding and marriage are between you and DH2B and your name is only up to you.

She’s 13. I wouldn’t take her slight confusion on this point as a sigh of anything deeper.

angieloumc · 06/10/2018 11:13

I was my XH's 3rd wife. I did take his name and when we split up I kept it. Indeed when I had my DD (to someone else) she has the same surname.
A lot of people had a problem with that (though not my XH! He didn't mind at all). I gave her that name as it's mine and has been since 1988.
His wife now after them being together for about 10 years is still raging about that, even though it happened long before she came along.
Contrary to popular belief anyone can call themselves whatever they like (though I think there are some exceptions). I've been divorced for 8 years but I'm still Mrs X and will continue to be. I

northlaine · 06/10/2018 11:15

I took DHs name and his ex kept his name - she's now remarried so no idea what she's calling herself these days. DSC are now adults but weren't when we married.

I did not take my ex-DHs name for professional reasons & because I didn't much like it & we had no DCs together.

I have taken DHs name because travelling with DCs is easier / lots of things are easier this way imo, for us. If you want to take stb DHs name then that's up to you.

Your DSD probably needs reassurance and to feel listened to even if you are taking the name when she doesn't want you to. Be kind - it's a big deal to her, so treat her gently but without allowing her to make the decision would be my only advice. Don't make it about her DM.

angieloumc · 06/10/2018 11:15

Now that all sounds confusing! I was separated when I had my DD not still living with XH but he wouldn't let me divorce him. Convoluted I know 😊

DeaflySilence · 06/10/2018 11:20

"I’m not the second Mrs .... I’m the only one married to him, or soon will be. She can call herself it, but she’s not his wife. No seconds here."

Why not be a bit different? Have your new husband take your name. Unless, of course, you don't like your name, in which case you could make up an entirely new one between you.

p.s. That ^ sounds like a sore subject for you.Yours will be his second marriage (unless he has had more) and so you will be the second wife he has had. Nothing can change that, but there is nothing wrong with it.