DH and reading for pleasure

[jalexander]

AIBU to not understand DH's opinion and TOTALLY disagree with it?

He hates reading. He can't take it in. Doesn't enjoy it. Never reads for pleasure.

Fair enough.

We were just discussing reading for pleasure as I love it and think it's actually really important.

It came to light that DP never encouraged his children to read. He would read their compulsory school set books with them and that was it. Neither him or his ExW encouraged reading for pleasure and none of his children ever read. I find this really sad.

DH doesn't understand why I think it's sad. He said he'd never force them to read for pleasure. He hates it and doesn't see the point.

He says he's a realist and far more grounded than me, stuck in my little fantasy worlds with a romanticised idea of the world. Ugh. He's being totally flippant and dismissive.

What do you think?

@basquiat

Somebody posted a thread recently, saying the past participle had seemingly started to disappear from every day vernacular.

I hadn't really noticed ('he text me' aside), but now I am seeing it everywhere.

Sorry, O/T.

...and I agree - your DH being a non-reader is clearly the least of your (or his) problems.

My dad is dyslexic. He does not read for pleasure. My mum is a total bookworm.

I am dyslexic but read for pleasure a lot as a child. I do it less now as an adult. Because of my dyslexia I cannot scan read/ read quickly. Reading for me is totally immersive. When I find a book I really enjoy then I will consume it voraciously, but that takes time and means very little else gets done whilst I read it.

I'm on mat leave at the moment, but I am.a.former journalist now working in PR. I write for a living. This requires reading a lot. I enjoy my job, but reading and researching for work means I rarely go straight to a book to unwind when home.

I do however love audiobooks and radio plays. These allow me the pleasure of new stories AND the ability to multitask.

I'm looking forward to reading some of my favourite books (and new ones) with my son as he grows older.

My husband is also dyslexic, but loves reading for pleasure. He works in a very different field to me, so does not mind picking up a book at home/ on his commute as it is so different from.his job it does not feel like work.

On another point, I love to read to find out facts. Because reading requires so much info, if I do read something it sticks in my head. I love researching things which interest me. I think that kind of reading can be pleasurable in a totally different way to reading a storybook. Full disclosure, I am aspie too - so this may just be how I deal with the world?

He called the OP a fucking retard?

What a catch

Yeah I agree with Fenella as well. Your problem isn't that he doesn't like reading, he doesn't seem to like you either op.

I think that if his children enjoyed reading for pleasure they would have done it regardless of encouragement. It doesn’t sound like he actively discouraged them.

Reading is my favourite thing in the whole world but it isn’t everyone’s.

His comments are the problem, not the fact he doesn't read.

My husband reads nothing but books about his job, he hasn't picked up a book for pleasure in his life. It doesn't bother me if he doesn't read.

Yes, reading is great, and I encourage our daughter to read a lot, but it's not the be-all and end-all.

Maybe he feels like you're getting at him and he's reacting badly, but anyone talking to me like that, implying my head is in the clouds cos I like reading, would get short shrift from me.

I love reading, dh doesn’t, it doesn’t cause a row! Two of our dc love reading, one doesn’t. It’s not the end of world, people like different things. I think getting het up and incredulous because someone doesn’t enjoy something you do is probably what got your dh’s back up op!

I think there is room in this world for allsorts, it matters not if we all like the same things.

dowager Is it because "text" as a verb is a new word? Maybe it follows the same paradigm as "put".

put-put-put
text-text-text

Don't get me started on "I was sat" though. Teeth-clenchingly awful.

I'm a reader married to a non reader!

We have three DC and I've always read with them a lot and discussed books together. I do think it's hugely important for children, and they're all good readers (although not as much as I was as a kid). DH thinks this is great and is slightly relieved (I think) that this has been part of their childhood without too much input from him! (He does read with them occasionally.)

It doesn't bother me that DH doesn't read much (he usually takes a book on holiday and enjoys it but rarely reads in day-to-day life). He has other strengths, eg music which I'm rubbish at.

I do think it's awful if he sneers at you or belittles you for reading . DH would never do this. As other posters have said, perhaps he was feeling a little judged and defensive.

Him being a non-reader is the very least of your problems.

I would be reconsidering my future.

You actually can't force somebody to read for pleasure.

It has to come naturally.

I love reading, read a lot (though rarely fiction), encouraged the DCs to read, read to them, bought hundreds of books of all sorts. At the age of ten, of the five of them only three were readers for pleasure though one got off to a late start at that age.

The DCs all had a period of half an hour daily of Sustained Silent Reading in elementary school. For DS and DD3 this was a case of 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. Looking at it another way, I could also say fiction was not their bag, or that nothing really grabbed them enough to make them excited about reading.

DS quietly became an expert in WW2 artillery and other weaponry, thanks to YouTube and documentaries and other audio visual sources, and watched all the LOTR movies and millions of others. He would read the book after the movie. He is very strong in the verbal processing department and likes technical details. He could recount every frame of every movie he has ever watched, analyse its themes to death, appreciate lighting and camera angles and oodles of other aspects.

DD3 learned to read at about 4 and then stopped reading until she had to do a book report in about 4th grade (age 10ish). I don't know what she did in Sustained Silent Reading but must have learned to keep her head down and not fall asleep at her desk... She chose 'The Tale of Despereaux' for her report, and ended up reading everything else the author, Kate di Camillo, had ever written, followed by the collected works of Sharon Creech, before embarking on sociology/economics/psychology. She never reads fiction but loves reading.

I eventually realised that DS most likely had a 'processing of the written word issue' that was actually holding him back in school. It wasn't holding him back enough to make me have him tested or get an IEP or anything like that - he was able to wing it by focusing on listening in class. When he got to university and was able to tape lectures (and some lectures were available online) his grades shot up. He went from being a 'clearly very bright; could do much better, how very sad' sort of student to one who got all As.

I guess my point is that intelligence is a multi faceted thing, and having one sort of intelligence doesn't exclude the possibility of having multiple other types. Nobody's intelligence should be judged on the basis of their taste in reading or lack thereof. It would be a very boring world if everyone's taste was exactly the same, and judgement of another nearly always says more about the judge than about the person judged.

@dontgobaconmyheart - great post.

He said he'd never force them to read for pleasure

Well, you can't really force someone into having pleasure.

I have always been a reader. It will always be an important part of my life, but novel reading (for instance) was not always seen as a good thing.

He says he's a realist and far more grounded than me, stuck in my little fantasy worlds with a romanticised idea of the world

This article addresses a time when a lot of people thought like your DH.

When Novels Were Bad for You

op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/14/when-novels-were-bad-for-you/

You and your DH are allowed to be different you know. As long as you can discuss those differences respectfully, there is nothing the matter.

When you read a book the author speaks to you in your head - hello!. 'The Dragons of Eden' by Carl Sagan.

He doesn’t enjoy reading and you were judgemental so he’s attacked you for it.

I agree with you OP but he’s entitled to his opinion. Pick your battles, this one is not that important in the great scheme of life.

@BlueberryPud

I couldn’t disagree more with what you’ve said. The generations you are talking about (millennials and Generation Y) are the most educated there have ever been in this country. They’re also the most tolerant and inclusive. Millennials are the most politically active generation ever.

I don’t really understand the link you’ve drawn between low slung jeans and not knowing when World War Two was, and you haven’t backed up your assertion that younger people are uninformed about these things. I’m in the age group you describe and studied the Second World War up to my A-Level in history. What does that have to do with the price of fish though?

If it’s about gratitude then believe me when I say we have all understood the heavy implication of the list of names read out at our school remembrance services, we’ve pinned on our poppies and known the reason why.

And in addition there are other things we now understand better, as a generation. We know about the people who fought and died in the battle for our civil liberties. We understand the sacrifices made by Harriette Moore, Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. We know about the trenches, and we also know about the fugitive slave law, and Jim Crow, and the stately homes in this county built on the back of sugar harvested by slaves, and William Wilberforce, and the black soldiers who fought alongside the white in WW2 and who often faced vicious abuse and harrssment from their fellow soldiers.

You don’t have to like computer games (although their creation is an art form and they can be astoundingly beautiful and complex with deep narrative arcs) and you don’t have to like fashion (which may not be to your taste but, unlike the fashions immediately preceding World War One, has the advantage of not having required the destruction of more than half of all the living birds in the world in pursuit of feathers) but to consider people under 30 uneducated and uninformed purely because you don’t understand them does not reflect well on you.

even during our discussion tonight, he said, "I don't see how reading would have changed where I ended up in life and hey, look at you, didn't help you did it."

It's really sad that he measures the value of every activity in terms of how it enhances a person's career prospects, and that he validates people solely on the basis of where they end up in life. It suggests that he would have major difficulty in coping if for any reason he had to give up his job.

My husband doesn't read for pleasure either and it wasn't encouraged when he was a child! I adore reading. The difference is he sees the importance of reading and encourages our children particularly my son who is t a natural reader and explains the importance of reading.

I used to be an avid reader when younger but since having DC I find I’m too tired and when I do get a break I don’t read written words as my eyes get so tired so quickly (I’m in front of screens all day).

However, I burn through audiobooks which I listen to every night. Currently listening to one on the future of humanity. I know I can read so I don’t feel I have to have a book on my lap to show others. On the rare occasions where I read the written word (for pleasure, as I read physical books related to my profession), it’s on my kindle.

It’s ok if your DP isn’t into reading and you shouldn’t look down on him for it. However, it’s totally not ok for him to put you down.

I forgot to add that I do encourage DC to read and read to them every night. They also read everyday and enjoy it.

Actually I do irritate him. Sometimes I struggle with things that he finds incredibly easy and he gets frustrated at me. Outside B n Q once he got so frustrated when I struggled to put the pram up after taking it out the car he called me a fucking retard.

Well, he sounds ... pleasant.

The reading/not reading is a red herring.

We're all massive book worms in our house. Fiction/non-fiction. My kids love reading. I must admit I think it's weird when people don't read at all.