DH and reading for pleasure

[jalexander]

AIBU to not understand DH's opinion and TOTALLY disagree with it?

He hates reading. He can't take it in. Doesn't enjoy it. Never reads for pleasure.

Fair enough.

We were just discussing reading for pleasure as I love it and think it's actually really important.

It came to light that DP never encouraged his children to read. He would read their compulsory school set books with them and that was it. Neither him or his ExW encouraged reading for pleasure and none of his children ever read. I find this really sad.

DH doesn't understand why I think it's sad. He said he'd never force them to read for pleasure. He hates it and doesn't see the point.

He says he's a realist and far more grounded than me, stuck in my little fantasy worlds with a romanticised idea of the world. Ugh. He's being totally flippant and dismissive.

What do you think?

@BlueberryPud

I've had quite the opposite experience. For ten years I've sat in the
'reading corner' where children are invited to come and read to me, or with me. No child is forced, obviously, but they bloody love it. All of them. Some of them need loads of prompts, others are pretty good at it and need nothing but appreciation. None of them go away thinking they are better or worse than anybody else. ALL of them want to come and take their turn reading with me. Some children have difficulty reading the simplest word. Others are fluent readers. But there is nobody else listening but me. And they know they are safe with me. It's all experience, and it's all good. pp, you are not defeating an object. Children need to learn to read. Make it fun.

I work in a very challenging secondary school. If I invited a student to come and sit in a “reading corner” with me I’d probably be told to fuck off and be accused of being a “peado”.

If someone struggles to process and understand plots in fiction, then they wont read for pleasure will they.
My two boys dont read for pleasure apart from comics. My daughter likes reading. My dp is always reading. I struggle with following plots so I get quite stressed out with a lot of books unless ive really got a lot of free time to get into the zone which is really hard. Im pretty bad with films too. Its an autistic thing.
I actually get annoyed with some of the "reading is the most important thing"
I actually think its a way to show off how middle class you are sometimes because it also has to be certain sorts of books etc

My DS has a language processing disorder. He finds reading difficult and as a result doesn’t read for pleasure.

He’s intelligent and works hard. He just doesn’t read for fun he does other things.

The judgemental attitudes on this thread are shocking.

The first item in my “list of qualities I look for in a man” was “he must read!”.

Reader, I married a man who doesn’t read. I fell head over heels. He’s smart, articulate and funny. He also has ADHD and ASD which makes it very difficult for him to concentrate on text. Hence he doesn’t read. He appreciates books and my love of words and encourages my reading/writing.

And we are a great match.

My DH and I are both big readers. We read very different stuff though and aren't really that interested in each other's books (Victorian novels for me and fantasy novels for him) so we never discuss our books really. Therefore, if he didn't read it wouldn't make much difference to my life.

Children need to learn to read. Make it fun.

Of course I know they need to learn to read. I’m not fucking thick. Could you possibly be any more patronising?

I’ve tried everything to get my son to read more as I know it is the key to his education. It’s not as easy as you make out, especially when children are not NT.

He’s attacking you because he felt attacked by you. This is an unnecessary argument.

^ This.

There’s nothing virtuous about reading for pleasure, though people like to make it so. As long as his DC can read, they are perfectly capable of reading for pleasure if they choose. It’s not something you need training in.

Don’t be so judgy.

I've read through this thread in the cold light of day.

OP, from what you've said here, I agree with pps that reading is the least of your problems. Your dh doesn't sound nice and if you are using books to escape from the situation thats probably not that healthy.

I read to my dcs every night until they were about 10. One doesn't read for pleasure, by which I mean she doesn't relax with a book. She listens to music and watches films. She reads for her school work. Another dc is obsessed with books and didn't want to go to school on Thursday because a book she'd been waiting for had just been published. And another dc would rather be running around than reading but does have a book by his bed.

I don't feel superior or inferior to any of them, and think anyone who thinks reading a cereal packet makes them superior to someone who doesn't read for pleasure... Well. That's an extraordinary place to be!

I agree with you. I think it’s really sad. My dear Dad never read for pleasure either but he always encouraged me, read me books, bought me books and encouraged me.

I hate the superiority that gets bandied about with regards to reading for pleasure and I really hate the value judgements that are made about people who dont read for pleasure.

My DS is no less a valued member of society because he doesn’t relax with a book.

His job is important - to the extent that if you see him in a work related scenario you’re likely to be very very glad to see him - and the thought that some people are judging his lack of reading and find him wanting makes me so angry.

Yes it's annoyed me too and I read a lot and always have - I have an English literature degree. It's literally never occurred to me to judge others.

It’s not “important” to read for pleasure.

It’s important to be able to read to a functional level. But it is not important to read for pleasure.

Is he dyslexic?

My partner doesn't read. I love reading and am an English Lit graduate. I did find it very weird at first, but realised he actually struggles to read and so doesn't find it enjoyable. He reads at slow talking/reading out loud speed, which is so bizarre to me as a skim reader! He has very poor eyesight which may be something to do with it, and when reading online he'll highlight the text he's reading. I suspect if he were at school now he'd be diagnosed with something and helped.

However, he is extremely intelligent, creative (musician), and exceptionally good at pretty much everything else (from maths to DIY). His spelling and grammar is as good as mine, and I work as an editor!

And don’t start me on “is he dyslexic”.

There are more disorders that can make reading challenging than just dyslexia.

Exactly Branleuse!

Reading to learn facts is reading because of necessity, not pleasure. You have to read to learn what’s required to pass exams (as the pp mentions, her son reads for school) adhere to policies, do your job etc.

The few posters you’ve replied to, determined to say their children enjoy reading, are saying they mainly read when they have to. There’s a difference between that and pleasure.

There is no necessity to learn facts. Some people choose not to. Some people choose to leave school at 16, don’t go to uni etc. Or if they do go to uni they study a scientific or technical subject.

I’m simply pointing out that if people enjoy learning facts, gathering information from books at A level or for a degree, then they are deriving pleasure from reading on some level. It’s a different kind of pleasure from curling up with Tolkien and a box of chocolates, but it’s still a pleasure.

Yeah I dont have dyslexia but i do find the page flickers and hurts my eyes depending on the paper used, and i also often find that I can read, but i daydream and i often realise ive read a paragraph and not taken any of it in and been thinking about something else. I quite often have to read a paragraph 2 or 3 times to try and get my brain to process it. Its really frustrating. I struggle with remembering characters too.
Even my favourite books, id struggle to describe the plot to anyone.

My eldest says that words jump about the page when he reads. He doesnt have the major signs of dyslexia as he can read and spell fine.

This makes us bad people I know

My son can actually read but he doesn’t read with expression. I don’t think he ever will. That’s due to his ASD.

I'd find it a bit weird, but as long as he's not trying to stop you reading, or objecting to it, I'd let it go.

I'm still haunted by a woman (probably younger than me) who came to the library counter where I worked, with half a dozen audio books.
Friend with her asked whether she preferred those to 'proper' books.

'No,' she said, in an apologetic sort of tone, 'but he doesn't like me reading.'
I still feel enraged at the thought of that miserable-git 'he', and want to give him a good kick in the goolies. Not to mention wanting to give her a good shake and talking-to, too.

This makes us bad people I know

Well exactly. You’d think people falling over themselves to be oh so well read and boast about it might have read about factors be that ASD, processing disorders etc that might make reading hugely challenging and not pleasurable.

Whilst I err on the side of him and his ex being total arses about not encouraging children to read and his attitude to you; on the flip side you can lead a horse to water etc. Me and dh-massive readers, 3 of our DC also. However, dc3, despite being surrounded by books and readers- just didn't. No literacy problems. Just hated it. Until about 6 years ago, now he is probably more of a reader than us. Big weighty tomes in science, history and philosophy too, for shits and giggles. He realises what he missed and how different his life could have been.

I didn't marry my long term ex because of this. Reading is so integral to me I couldn't spend my life with a non reader.

I read for pleasure and am never without a book on the go. My kindle is my best friend as it has hundreds of books on it!

DH only reads factual books, he's not read for fiction since TinTin, but he reads the factual books for pleasure.

We both read with DS and understand the importance of him reading lots. I'd like DS to enjoy reading fiction but if he follows his dad that's fine. I feel it's so important for more than just the joy of reading but to help with language and vocabulary. The people I know who never read for pleasure don't have half the vocabulary and seem to have less to say. (Small sample pool!)

but as long as he's not trying to stop you reading, or objecting to it

He is though isn’t he. On top of insulting, belittling and dismissing the OP.

I can’t see this relationship lasting very long.