DH and reading for pleasure

[jalexander]

AIBU to not understand DH's opinion and TOTALLY disagree with it?

He hates reading. He can't take it in. Doesn't enjoy it. Never reads for pleasure.

Fair enough.

We were just discussing reading for pleasure as I love it and think it's actually really important.

It came to light that DP never encouraged his children to read. He would read their compulsory school set books with them and that was it. Neither him or his ExW encouraged reading for pleasure and none of his children ever read. I find this really sad.

DH doesn't understand why I think it's sad. He said he'd never force them to read for pleasure. He hates it and doesn't see the point.

He says he's a realist and far more grounded than me, stuck in my little fantasy worlds with a romanticised idea of the world. Ugh. He's being totally flippant and dismissive.

What do you think?

I love love love reading; don't get enough time to do so now since DC is out of the newborn sleeping all day stages. OTOH my DH is dyslexic, quite severely so and has only ever read one book for pleasure in his 30+ years as otherwise it is a chore. He will read newspaper articles and other short pieces of info but any large chunk of text requires a text reader programme that he utilises a great deal. He is incredibly intelligent and can turn his mind to anything but has a particular affinity towards maths. He successfully obtained an honours degree and went on to complete a PhD in Engineering but has most definitely struggled throughout. And he has an incredible imagination that far out surprasses mine when I would rather stick my head in a book. However, he does not belittle my reading, infact he loves that I take so much pleasure in reading and indeed encourages it - this is the huge difference between my DH and OPs OH from what I can see.

People who read widely are better educated than those who don't. That's not a judgment. It's a sequitur.
I read the Beano as a child. Then I read Richard Adams. Then Tolkien. Then Jackie Collins... I'll read the back of a shampoo bottle. But my point will be lost on most.

i was the epitome of a bookworm as a child and really up until the age of about 19/20. Couldn't get enough books. Now some 10 years on I no longer read books for pleasure, simply because i don't get a lot out of it. I haven't read a book in a couple of years now and it's been 5 since I read one i enjoyed and didn't force myself to finish.
I do however, spend a vast amount of time reading online content instead, to do with a variety of topics., just articles or essays ,instead of books. These have replaced books for me.
I do think some people can be a bit snobby about 'the right kind' of reading in that if i say "oh i never read books at all" people turn their nose up and make several assumptions about my intellect or personality, despite the fact its actually likely i've clocked up a massive word count in non fiction or current (or past) affairs in online reading throughout the day, daily- but this appears often not to count to some people to whom 'curling up with a good book' is the signifier of an officially acceptably intellectual person or something.

My personal feeling is live and let live, i don't see the need to express sadness about another persons activities, or lack thereof just because it doesn't coalign with your own thinking. They do not feel they are missing out so there is nothing to be sad about. Also agree with others that imagination is not accessed solely through reading, especially when the majority of popular books are derivative anyway, or not particularly thought provoking, though i do think it goes without saying the acitivity of reading is vitally important in developmental reading stages to practise reading and verbal and written skills.

People just like what they like. Your DP sounds a bit petty for saying he is more grounded than you etc but it sounds like you just got each others backs up insinuating each of you is better than the other and it got a bit defensive.

Saying someone is thick as shit for not liking fiction is probably pot and kettle, i wouldn't want to 'hang out' with anyone narrow minded and rude myself. I'm not sure the majority popular fiction is exactly highbrow in it's context or subject matter. I would be interested in what that makes someone like myself who read's non fiction in non book form, such as essays, research papers or online articles and prefers to explore fiction for pleasure via motion media instead. Thick as shit...deary me!

bacon you make a great argument for writing a book.

That’s a very good point about there being ways other than books to enter an imaginary world, Italiangreyhound. Reading for pleasure is one way to access that inner world but by no means the only one. It’s easy (for me)to forget that, so your post made me think.

Narrative structure crosses mediums - so, film, TV, music and games/gaming usually demonstrate a range of ways of telling stories. Also, my dc all went through stages when they lost interest in books but used other means to spark imagination, so reading for pleasure hasn’t been an uninterrupted continuum for them.

There’s a a difference between reading to relax and reading for pleasure. Your son likes reading well enough when he’s learning things he wants to know. That gives him some kind of pleasure or he wouldn’t do it.

Reading to learn facts is reading because of necessity, not pleasure. You have to read to learn what’s required to pass exams (as the pp mentions, her son reads for school) adhere to policies, do your job etc.

The few posters you’ve replied to, determined to say their children enjoy reading, are saying they mainly read when they have to. There’s a difference between that and pleasure.

Why would you give him such a hard time for not doing something he doesn't enjoy? Does he try and stop you reading?

I've ead for pleasure for as long as I could remember and was encouraged to do so by my parents, however they didn't encourage me to play an instrumental, draw or coo or other equally 'worthy' leisure activities, becauae they were of no interest to them. Likewise I wouldn't engage my niece with scrabble or soduko as they bore me to tears. It is impossible to enthuse about something you aren't interested and informed about. If he's encouraging the children to take up wider interests and engage with the wider world, I wouldn't sweat it, simy reading for pleasure isn't his cup of tea.

Some people just don't read. I am a reader, DH and DD are readers. DS and best friend never ever read anything for pleasure. It's the way it is.

I could never understand ex sil, she was a teacher, spent hours devising ways to make the kids in her class read, bought books for her kids but I never saw her pick up any printed item more challenging thanHello or Chat.

Just one of those things I suppose.

Young people who don't read a book or a novel, never have and never will, are destroying a part of their brain and imagination that can get you through the worst of times. Computer games might keep you occupied for a short time. But it doesn't exercise the part of your brain that you are going to need to lead a productive life, or deal with life shattering blows.

I watched a show today, where two young men had never heard of Admiral Nelson. How were they expected to have ever heard of him?
That's what they asked.
They had a flat in central London.

It might be just me, but I think, in general, people under 30 are a bit uninformed and undereducated.

I bet that even people on here, reading, will not know the duration of the first and second world wars. Or which was which. Or who was on whose side.

And all these youngsters who haven't the least clue what happened where and when, 75 years ago (ish) should be bloody grateful to the people who died for their freedom. And that's what they should read.

These young 'fashionable' lads are walking about and looking really daft, with their jeans not properly pulled up, and hanging stupidly down around their knees, and showing their underpants.

75 years ago ,their grandfathers (at the same age) were starving, in the trenches, dodging bullets. In order that their grandchildren would have a better life. Most of them died in the trenches.

Would they be proud of their great grandchildren now? The ones they took a bullet for? Died for? Knowingly gave up their lives for?

I'll read the back of a shampoo bottle. But my point will be lost on most

Not lost on me. I know all the ingredients on a cornflake box.
Riboflavin is always the one I look for. They all have it. I want to know how much.

If there is something, anything, anywhere, to be read. I will have read it before anybody else.

I feel a bit superior about that.

I never understood people not reading but actually dh has admitted he has read less than ten books since he left school. Saying that he reads educational papers, is in computers and has so many qualifications so the more I think about it, the more I think honestly what does it matter. My kids see him work hard and study, they see me reading, I don't think they're ever going to make a connection that he doesn't read books. I have two that won't read. They'll listen if I'm reading a story but would never ever move to take out a book even though I try to get ones I know could grab their attention. I leave books around or try to offer them, whatever, but nothing. They laugh or listen when I read kids poems but again, would never pick up the book after me. I'll never stop actively trying just in case but i think sometimes you have to say live and let live

I feel a bit superior about that.

Why?

When I was a child I immersed myself in books. The library were happy for me to take a tonne of books out on my cards and those of my parents. I love my fantasy worlds.

However...

I work in a school and children are forced into “reading for pleasure” sessions which, as far as I’m concerned, totally defeats the object for some.

If a person has difficulty reading or concentrating then forcing them into an activity for “pleasure” is going to have the total opposite effect. It can be utterly detrimental.

I don't think not reading makes you less educated-I read crime books, I'm not likely to learn a huge amount of general knowledge from them, am I? I don't think people should feel that people who read=educated, people who don't=uneducated. Also. much as people want to think of the internet and gaming as the big bad, people do learn form it, it may just be different from what you yourself would like to learn

If you don't enjoy reading for pleasure it's infinitely less likely you're going to choose any career path that involves large quantities of reading textbooks. We choose and reach for jobs that give us pleasure where possible. If you don't like reading prose, why would you aspire to a path that involves huge amounts of it?

Depends on the subject, though, doesn't it? You can have people who only have an interest in a particular subject-they as students and graduates may devour anything to do with that subject but shun all others, hence it'll appear that they don't read but they do, just not what's known/acceptable

I feel a bit superior about that

Why?

Well I don't really. It was tongue in cheek.
I have nothing much to feel superior about.

I do, however, read everything I see. I can't help doing it.

That just makes me a bit different to others who don't bother
reading stuff, I suppose. I read notices that others don't notice.

So when we arrive at a shop that is closed, I am the first person to know when they will next be open. That sort of thing. I am clued in to reading notices. Others are less so.

I wouldn't buy a book for a non-reader, but if the non-reader was my kid, I would gently encourage. For example, I would say, "We're going to the library. Let's see if there are any books that look interesting to you." Being an avid reader myself, I've read many different types of books and have some ideas about some great books that might appeal.

I got very lucky and my husband and DSD love to read. We actually have a monthly "book allowance" each and Hubby and I subscribe to some services that give us details of free and low-cost ebooks.

As an adult I have discovered the interesting world of non-fiction. I love to read humour and stories of the history of illness and true crime. I have a particular interest in historic plagues, historic true crime, and torture methods (purely a theoretical interest for the record). I also have an interest in true ghost stories and hauntings.

I was also very fortunate that my parents encouraged us to read. We would routinely take 50-70 books out of the library every 3 weeks (we were 6 kids). When we were little, Mum would read us a bedtime story every night. When we got a little older, we would have "reading time". We were put to bed but were allowed some time to read in bed before we had to shut the light off. I still love to fall asleep reading, although usually I use an ereading app on my phone for convenience rather than an actual physical book.

I have a non-reading DH but he's far from ill-informed or uneducated. I wouldn't dream of telling him it's sad that he and his children don't read or how much they're missing. How patronizing is that? I'm sorry OP you love reading but it's the same as any other interest not everyone is into it nor do they have to be.

As for the poster who claims not reading means people are destroying parts of their brain so can't cope with what life throws at them because they don't know about the WWs and wear their pants too low, too tight and too short? Can I have an actual medical/scientific citation that might bear out that -load of twaddle hypothesis?

I work in a school and children are forced into “reading for pleasure” sessions which, as far as I’m concerned, totally defeats the object for some

I've had quite the opposite experience. For ten years I've sat in the
'reading corner' where children are invited to come and read to me, or with me. No child is forced, obviously, but they bloody love it. All of them. Some of them need loads of prompts, others are pretty good at it and need nothing but appreciation. None of them go away thinking they are better or worse than anybody else. ALL of them want to come and take their turn reading with me.
Some children have difficulty reading the simplest word.
Others are fluent readers. But there is nobody else listening but me.
And they know they are safe with me.
It's all experience, and it's all good.

pp, you are not defeating an object. Children need to learn to read.
Make it fun.

It was tongue in cheek. Ah, I see! We need a ‘tongue in cheek’ font.

I do, however, read everything I see. I can't help doing it.
So when we arrive at a shop that is closed, I am the first person to know when they will next be open. That sort of thing. I am clued in to reading notices. Others are less so.

I am with you on this, I am the first to look for information, read signs, instructions etc. But I don’t read for fun, it’s just down to perception.

From many posts on this thread, it seems people believe that those who don’t enjoy curling up with a book can’t be as clever, or inclined to seek information, in the same way.

From many posts on this thread, it seems people believe that those who don’t enjoy curling up with a book can’t be as clever, or inclined to seek information, in the same way

In my first post on this thread I offered the information that my husband is a Cambridge graduate (maths!) and that I left school at 15, (the norm at the time, in my town and culture)

And that he has not read a fiction novel in the past 30 years. And never struggled his way through a whole book about anything.

However, he is cleverer than me in some ways, but in others he is not.
Although he has an MSc in maths, I am much faster at mental arithmetic than he is because I worked on the till in Woolworth's before technology came in and made our brains redundant.

Deprive him of a calculator, and he is more useless than me at general adding up and taking away. Moreso because he has never
actually had to do it.

I read a lot. I love reading. It transports me.
He is so dapsy that he is completely unable to follow a plot.

He is cleverer than me. In some mathematical and scientific areas.
I am emotionally a lot smarter than he is. And better at adding up.
And sorting out the household bills.

So we are just different. I would love him to appreciate some literary classics. Like I do. But I don't think he ever will.

I don’t think the issue is that your DH isn’t a reader, I think it’s more that he sounds like a total cunt that’s the problem, TBH.

You totally got my back up with your post, it did come across as superior and condensatiing towards your oh and non readers in general. Your pity for his children is nasty tbh. If I was your dh I would not take kindly to having you feel sad for my kids because of reading.
I would have a massive problem with a partner who spent evenings reading. I would feel neglected and would feel inadequate I was competing for your attention and losing to a book!
It's a horrible dynamic you have going on in your marriage talking to each other like you have, it sounds really unpleasant and distructive.

I agree with Fenella- he sounds horrible