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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

135 replies

Fastenyourseatbelt · 05/10/2018 20:26

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

OP posts:
Alpacanorange · 05/10/2018 20:29

He has his priorities wrong, his confront avoidance should not trump his loyal to the woman he chose as his wife. Yanbu. I would be very upset.

Alpacanorange · 05/10/2018 20:30

Confrontation

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 20:32

He gave a speech about his life to date and didn’t mention his wife at all?

Overyou · 05/10/2018 20:33

Did he even thank you for organising the party?

MadeForThis · 05/10/2018 20:33

Even if he didn't hear her he knows now. He should deal with it.

Itsnotmesothere · 05/10/2018 20:33

Oh dear. I must say that was difficult to read because of the lack of paragraphs. I'm sorry your husband is so spineless. I'd be really hurt about the speech too. How is your marriage in general?

PrettyLovely · 05/10/2018 20:34

I would also be upset, he needs to grow some balls.

fussygalore118 · 05/10/2018 20:35

Him ignoring a rude childish comment is not the big problem here!

He didn't mention you at all in his speech? That's awful. Not sure I could forgive that.

starryeyed19 · 05/10/2018 20:37

Bloody hell. He didn't mention you at all? His family are CF's. How horrible. And rude.

What's he like as a husband generally?

Harleypuppy · 05/10/2018 20:39

What an arse.

MsFrosty · 05/10/2018 20:39

If this was my husband is struggle to respect him and question whether he really had any respect/love for me.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 05/10/2018 20:41

Ungrateful, cowardly, dickhead.

Havaina · 05/10/2018 20:42

Did you ask him why he didn't mention you in his speech?

He does sound spineless. Do you love him? Does he make you happy?

NonaGrey · 05/10/2018 20:47

Ignoring the heckling isn’t actually a bad approach, she wanted attention and he and everyone else ignored her.

He should have thanked his wife though. Very poor not to.

LexieLulu · 05/10/2018 20:47

I cannot believe his drunk sister!

'D'H needs to confront her too! If he refuses SIL she was out of order I'd be booting him out

Scabetty · 05/10/2018 20:48

What a spineless wanker.

DonnaDarko · 05/10/2018 20:50

YANBU at all. I would be fuming if DP did that to me and we have been together for far less time

Josiebloggs · 05/10/2018 20:50

Not sure I'd be able to forgive this. Ignoring DS to avoid a row at a party, not great but understandable. Voiding wife completely from his whole life, unforgivable I think. Someone who had any love, care or respect for another person would never be able to do this.

Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 20:51

For his next birthday I would present him with divorce papers.
He is a twat.

bumblenbean · 05/10/2018 20:52

What a horrible woman your SIL sounds. You should’ve shouted back ‘it’s a shame it’s too late for him to get another sister!’

Re the failure to mention you, that seems not only hurtful but quite bizarre. What the hell DID he talk about?! Sorry you’re going through this OP.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/10/2018 20:53

I can't get past him making a speech about himself in the first place. Not mentioning you is obviously beyond awful and tbh ridiculous, but making a speech about himselrf? Who is he, or more to the point, who does he think he is?

Overyou · 05/10/2018 20:56

So what did he actually say?

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 20:56

I'd be hurt by him not mentioning me in the speech but I'd be FUMING that he didn't shut down SIL by mentioning me at that point and at least thank me for the party.

That level of conflict avoidance in a partner would do my head in. Spineless.

user1457017537 · 05/10/2018 20:56

Wow just wow! I cannot imagine how you must have felt and how insulted you were. You cannot let this go! Kick up a stink and raise Merry hell this is inforgivable

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 20:56

I agree that ignoring a heckler is the way to go. It’s way more embarrassing for them, especially if they repeat themselves! He could have spoken to her afterwards though.

The wifeless speech though is beyond me