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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

135 replies

Fastenyourseatbelt · 05/10/2018 20:26

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

OP posts:

numptynuts · 05/10/2018 21:32

I'm not sure I could stay with my DH if he did this OP.

As for his cunt of a sister, I would not have her anywhere near me. She has no respect for her brother either. (Not that he deserves any the lily-livered twonk)

Itsnotmesothere · 05/10/2018 21:33

My post certainly wasn't meant to be smug and patronising. It's just when there's no spacing, it can be a bit off putting.

SandAndSea · 05/10/2018 21:35

I can understand why he didn't confront her at the time. He was on the spot and caught off guard and probably didn't want to ruin the party. And, actually, it sounds like she did a good job of making herself look pretty awful, rather than you.

However, I think he needs to step up now and confront her privately. She owes you an apology.

As for him not mentioning you, is he experienced at giving speeches?

Weathermonger · 05/10/2018 21:36

I'm inclined to say "You still have time to get another husband", sadly the one you have doesn't deserve you.

mummyhaschangedhername · 05/10/2018 21:37

Sorry OP, sounds horrible, how long have you been together?

Petalflowers · 05/10/2018 21:45

I can understand why he didn’tnrisemto The heckling as he didn’t want to provoke her. However, he should have said something to the sister in private afterwards.

I can understand how,you feel hurt by the lack,of acknowledgement.

Petalflowers · 05/10/2018 21:47

Did he mention other people (parents, children etc) in his speech, or was it mainly about his achievements?

CrazyDaisy2018 · 05/10/2018 21:47

I agree with others. To ignore his sister is perfectly understandable. To not refer to you at all in his "life so far" speech is unforgivable to me.

It's ok (ish) if his family don't like you but for him to basically pretend you don't exist?? I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much that must hurt.

Echobelly · 05/10/2018 21:57

Yeah, YANBU. I guess he might have been trying not to antagonise his family, but he could have managed to thank you, mention his love for you etc regardless, for your sake, not for theirs

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2018 21:58

The speech bit might just be unforgivable. I’d be very tempted to provide him with the life he imagines- one without me.

joanslegs · 05/10/2018 22:11

What a monumental arse he is. I'm sick of reading thread after thread about husbands and partners who treat their other halves worse than the dirt on their shoes. First ever LTB from me.

TheBigFatMermaid · 05/10/2018 22:12

I do not often say this (one other time in my 51 years) but he needs to be more afraid of the fuss you will make than of the fuss 'they' will make. He is your husband, he lives with you, he needs to know constantly that you are not accepting this shit. He needs to understand that your upset trumps their upset!

YOU are the only person who can make this happen!

DasPepe · 05/10/2018 22:12

Perhaps it’s not too late to get another husband?

If he didn’t mention you at all he must either be very aware of the situation or words have been had prior to the speech.
Either way, it sounds like your generosity and love is wasted on someone who does not appreciate it

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 05/10/2018 22:18

What a total prick. I would be reconsidering my marriage to be honest! He doesn’t seem to put you first at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2018 22:19

What is the rest of your relationship like, OP? Does this man pull his weight with regard to the domestic work and childcare; is he sympathetic and helpful when you are upset; is the sex good, do you have fun together? What's in it for you, generally?
I wonder if you are staying with him out of a combination of habit and, perhaps, wanting to show his family that you are in love and happy together. If it's just about that, then it really isn't worth it and you might be happier if you move on.

Observatorycrest · 05/10/2018 22:20

what a truly cowardly non supportive and lying DH you have. I would never forgive him and his ability to purposefully exclude you would be a big decider if it was me... I dont think your DH really understands the impact of his lack of support to you as his wife could have on your future...

Merryoldgoat · 05/10/2018 22:20

This is utterly vile behaviour. Your husband doesn’t think about you. He’s a coward, and he doesn’t deserve your time.

emmeyebea · 05/10/2018 22:21

Oh you poor thing, I totally empathise as similar happened to me.

My dh had a significant birthday a couple of years ago and we had a massive party in a hall, live music, wall-to-wall buffet, the lot. I did quite a lot of organising, including all the food and a big themed designed-by-me cake. He did a big speech, thanked all his friends for coming, his mates for playing in the band, praised his kids, mentioned some relatives who had travelled a long way, absent friends, his colleagues, his pal who organised the bar, and I was standing there like a bit of a lemon thinking will he mention me at all...? Eventually, after what seemed like ages, he finally said "I'd like to thank my family for doing the food".

Sil was standing next to me and whispered in my ear: "I think by 'family' he means 'wife'"

I asked him the next day why I never got mentioned, and he said that he did, and that he thanked me. He genuinely believed that he had, but he forgot. In front of 150 people he forgot to mention his wife of over 20 years and mother of his children. Oh well.

Ohyesiam · 05/10/2018 22:22

You’re unsure if you are being too sensitive? This man ignores you being publicly humiliated, there is no way to be over sensitive about this it’s vile. Then the whole family just absorbs it and goes back to their drinks, but nobody’s aknowledges the part where you get humiliated and verbally abused. My god they all sound like the walking dead.
I’d get my arse out of there so quick I’d leave friction burns.

Op , please raise your standards, your husband is meant to be an allie, on your side, watching your back.

He’s just told you that he’s happy to airbrush you out of existence. Please act on it, please don’t accept it. It’s truly shocking behaviour.

I’m so sorry you have been treated like this.

TickTickBoomBoom · 05/10/2018 22:23

At my sister's wedding (I was MOH), the best man completely ignored me, and in his speech mentioned just about everyone at the wedding, but deliberately left me out, even though I organised a lot and even baked the bloody cake. That was hurtful enough, goodness knows how much your own DH doing something like this must've upset you. I'd be furious with him.

Laac · 05/10/2018 22:24

I'm sorry OP I think you need to take an honest look at your marriage. Your DH should not be treating you like this, nor should his family. In all honesty I'd question whether he wanted to be with me at all. Force the conversation- if he won't even do you the decency of being honest and discussing the toxicity from his family I'd probably start thinking about a life away from them all.

RedLife · 05/10/2018 22:26

My post certainly wasn't meant to be smug and patronising. It's just when there's no spacing, it can be a bit off putting.

You didn't need to point it out though, did you? And for the record it did sound smug and patronising. 🙄

ChasedByBees · 05/10/2018 22:35

That sounds hideous, I’m sorry you had that experience. I’d lose a lot of respect for a man who’d do that.

Iloveacurry · 05/10/2018 22:43

Yes he should of said something. So why don’t they like you anyway? And why would you want to entertain these people?

stayathomegardener · 05/10/2018 22:58

I don't suppose anyone videoed his speech?
I think playing it back to him would speak volumes.

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