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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

135 replies

Fastenyourseatbelt · 05/10/2018 20:26

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

OP posts:

Miggeldy · 06/10/2018 05:48

Your DH is a chickenshit.
I'd hate to be married to a coward.

KM99 · 06/10/2018 06:20

OP you have said what his response was when you asked him about missing you out of the speech. Did you raise that with him?

I'm assuming it was intentional as he wanted to avoid reactions from his family. But SIL chimed in anyway.

Obviously we don't know the history as to why you don't get on with his family. But he's a coward. He values avoiding any discomfort to himself over his loyalty to you.

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2018 06:40

At least you know how much he values you now op

Original poster

Fastenyourseatbelt · 06/10/2018 14:44

Thanks for all the responses. You have given me plenty to think about but it's also made very difficult reading. I have tried to talk to him about the situation but he doesn't want to go there and gets annoyed when I keep bringing it up. I think he probably does feel bad but avoids it because he doesn't want to have to deal with it or acknowledge my feelings - because if he does so then he will have to deal with his own.

ilooovechristmas
What do you mean by your comment - "yeah he does, he also has great friends who could replace your seat so SHUT the fuck up"?

OP posts:

nellieellie · 06/10/2018 15:16

The kindest way of looking at the fact that he made no mention of you in his speech is that you have always been together and that he just sees you as part of the furniture - ie entirely takes you for granted. You, as his wife should be the most important person to him.
As for SIL’s remarks. Well, she basically publicly insulted you and NOBODY did or said ANYTHING! That appears then to be total acquiescence. For your DH to do nothing is unforgivable and Id have to confront him and basically say that if he does not give her a major ear bashing you will have to re evaluate your relationship with him. What are you supposed to think? That he agrees with her? That he thinks so little of you that he allows someone to try to publicly humiliate you in your own home?

If he didn’t want to say anything at the time, (my rule is that if someone says something unacceptable publicly, then they should be told off publicly), then he should have said something afterwards. Saying nothing is weak, cowardly, disloyal and completely unforgivable for a husband/partner.

Give him hell.

Bluelady · 06/10/2018 15:20

My dad managed a speech without mentioning my mum at their golden wedding party. Men are useless sometimes.

Optimouse · 06/10/2018 15:21

OP, I think iloovechristmas was giving you what your dh should have said to your SIL...

nellieellie · 06/10/2018 15:23

Just to add. ‘He gets annoyed when I bring it up..’

Tough! You get MORE annoyed! YOU are the injured party. I HATE that. My DH has tried that a few times. Does something crap. I call him out. He gets cross that I’m calling him out. NO! I get flaming furious that he dares to think he can get away with being an arse by silencing my criticism. You need to make the demands, get an apology and get him to put it right.

Don’t back down.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 15:32

He gets annoyed? Tough shit, im upset by YOUR actions so you can talk to me about them or fuck off. I’ll pack you a bag.

Observatorycrest · 06/10/2018 16:00

it’s tough being with a man who doesn’t support you and openly allows family members to ridicule you in public.... his avoidance and getting annoyed at you is another example of him or wanting to support you. You go on about it and you then the ‘problem’. So you need to decide that this is the way it is or you have to tell him it’s not happening anymore and you expect him to have your back

Eliminatetheimpossible · 06/10/2018 16:33

You deserve better op. Do you really want to be with someone who doesnt care the you're upset?

ilooovechristmas · 06/10/2018 18:41

@Fastenyourseatbelt

What do you mean by your comment - "yeah he does, he also has great friends who could replace your seat so SHUT the fuck up"?

That's what you should of said

ilooovechristmas · 06/10/2018 18:42

To his sister !!

SalemBlackCat4 · 06/10/2018 20:11

Please show him this thread. I think he truly needs to read this. He married you, you are his family now and should always come first.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/10/2018 20:25

If it was me making the speech...was it off the cuff or planned? If planned then yes I'd be hurt he didn't mention you. Even if it's because you've been together for so long that it goes without saying, it's still hurtful.

If it was off the cuff I'd be inclined to cut him more slack. Emotion and alcohol can make it difficult to think clearly...and personally I get nervous about talking or presenting in public when there are a lot of people and even if I've planned in advance what to say I can still stumble over my words and miss out big chunks. You are the best person to judge if smething like this happened

I am also really bad at thinking on my feet and if I'd been heckled, I would have been embarrassed and my first reaction would be to ignore. Not because I don't want to stick up for someone but because I don't want to engage with someone nasty and am just rubbish at thinking of quick witty responses until ages after the event. I would have just frozen and been upset that family were trying to spoil my speech.

Don't know if any of this might apply to your DH but just offering another perspective.

If this is out of character for your sil then maybe he let it go for the sale of family harmony. No doubt she will put it down to being drunk / a joke so he may think there is little point going into it. However it would be the decent thing of him to do to talk to her and tell her how upsetting it was for both of you. And that she should apologise to her. It was also shit of him to lie about it but maybe embarrassed about how he dealt with it

GabsAlot · 06/10/2018 20:50

he doesnt want to talok about anything that upsets you does he

springydaff · 06/10/2018 21:53

How incredibly hurtful. Actually, abusive.

Really op, why would you want to stay with someone who does this to you?

He didn't mention you
He ignored the open and repeated public insult
He lied he'd heard it
He's irritable with you for bringing it up

Urgh

springydaff · 06/10/2018 21:54

Please don't excuse him for this.

There really is no excuse.

MulticolourMophead · 06/10/2018 22:08

Calling him a selfish, spineless wanker just about sums him up, I think.

Selfish, because he didn't include OP in the speech or thanks.
Spineless, beucase he didn't confront his DSis, either at the time or after, which will inevitably lead to more insults from his sister.

And a wanker because he's getting cross at the OP when she's bringing this up and trying to explain her hurt. He lied about hearing the insult and clearly doesn't have the OP's back.

So he's afraid of confrontation and is happy for OP to be hurt rather than rock his family's boat by calling them out on their behaviour.

His sister thinks he needs a better wife? I think OP needs a better husband.

LonginesPrime · 06/10/2018 22:12

It's obvious why he didn't mention you in his speech, OP - it's because he's acutely aware of how much his family dislike you, hates confrontation and knew that mentioning you in front of that audience wouldn't go down well.

He was probably worried that if he mentioned you, someone would shout something negative which would hurt you, and given SIL's behaviour, it sounds like it was the right decision not to mention you.

However, what I don't understand (and what makes him a spineless person and unworthy of you) is the fact he knew all this and still decided to socialise with them and let you throw him a party where they would be there. He needs to work out his priorities and understand that if he's trying to keep his family happy, you get hurt in the process.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 23:43

As @longinesprime said except- he simply did it to avoid conflict. Not so the op wouldn’t be hurt. If he cared so much about that he’d be reassuring her he loved her after sil shouted that. He just did it all because he really is a spineless jerk who cannot truly prioritise another person above his own comfort.

IABURQO · 07/10/2018 00:19

It's really quite odd to not thank the person who organised the party. Really odd.

The SIL needs to be told by your DH quite seriously to drop it now, it isn't funny. Why do they all hate you so much? Have none of them softened over the years?

Faithlulu · 07/10/2018 07:35

OP the fact that you organised a party for him and invited his family knowing they are horrible to you makes you one strong woman! It also shows the amount of respect you have for your husband.

You need to ensure you are getting this amount of respect in return. It can be very hard to continually raise a topic with someone who doesn’t want to talk about it, but even harder to get over the resentment that will build over time if you don’t resolve it.

Maybe start with “I know this is something you don’t want to talk about but I want to explain to you why I am very hurt..”

If he still does not want to talk about it then I would be asking if he has no interest in your feeling/happiness... as that is how it comes across.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 07/10/2018 07:50

Sounds like Ex-H hence Ex. Including the huge ego and drunk sister!

PeakTrans · 07/10/2018 13:57

Agree with Faithlulu

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