DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

[Fastenyourseatbelt]

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

Really, the only acceptable response to his stupid sister's hectoring was for him launch I to cuisine praise of you, how he'd be nothing without you, his life would lose all morning and then to kick her out. Or perhaps have some very funny but utterly damning put down which sent her skulking from the house never to darken the door again.

You are worth more than this. He is worth less. Much less.

And remind him that he too is replaceable.

I wouldn’t put up with this OP and I agree with pp who say that you should show him this thread and demand answers. He is being gutless and needs to be called out on it, otherwise your marriage will not make it.

As for your SIL, are you not tempted to call her out on it yourself or tell DH that if he doesn’t deal with it, then you will? My DH and I ardently dislike our SIL (DH’s brother’s wife) but we would never, ever be rude to her: it just wouldn’t be civilised behaviour. My PILs (who don’t like her either) wouldn’t put up with rude behaviour and treat her very courteously, even though she is a rude, spiteful horror. I do, however, give her a hard dry bitch slap if she is nasty to my children though. Sigh....families. I hope you get some resolution and are treated better: you sound like a nice person, OP.

Absolute yellow bellied, spineless, coward.

How you can have any respect for your husband is beyond me.

You don't have an in-law problem. You have a husband problem.

I had a vaguely similar situation with my h's family...It's insidious to marriages I think when one party doesn't defend the other against their family if that family are being continuously low level horrible (or in this case high level horrible). I'm not married anymore and this played a part for sure.

I would be very upset in this situation and I would be livid that he pretended he hadn't heard-that makes it even worse.

Your SIL is a bully. She shouted something out twice and everyone ignored her because she is wrong and they know she is a bitch and just pretended they didn't hear her to avoid confrontation with her, like your DH.

Think your options are:

1. Call her out on her behaviour yourself. Yes, a lot of us have weak DH's on here but I can't understand why women can't stick up for themselves. If your DH won't do it, then you do it.

2. Tell him that in future he is going on his own and you are not putting yourself in the firing line. Let him take over any wifey work WRT your Bitch in Law.

I'm disgusted with his behaviour.
By his silence, his family think he's tacitly agreeing with them; and by his refusal to include you in his speech, he's basically refusing to acknowledge that you form any part of his life.

I'd be so hurt, AND furious.

I got cross when DH used to write postcards to his mother with "I've been to X and I've done this" - I'd say "oh and what was I doing while you were doing all these things, eh? Sitting on my arse in the hotel room?" He got the point but he still sometimes says "I" instead of "we" when he''s talking to people about things we do as a family - he even forgets about our 2 DSs in his terminology!

He's either very self-centred (which he is anyway because he refuses to go out of his comfort zone to back you up) or he doesn't want to upset his family by drawing attention to you being in his life, which is unutterably spineless and pathetic of him.

How long have you been with him? He doesn't sound worth hanging on to, to be perfectly honest, unless he has a whole heap of good points you haven't mentioned.

I do hope you don't have children with him.

His sister was very rude, but it was not unreasonable of him to ignore her rather than drawing even more attention to her.

Not mentioning you was thoughtless, but is it possible he was overcome by nerves? Did he write / practise the speech beforehand or was it off the cuff?

This isn’t a LTB scenario unless it’s accompanied by other awful behaviour.

You are right to be upset and his family clearly mean more to him.
Horrible behaviour from the DS too and should have been called out.
Stay away from them all and consider your position in the marriage if he won’t accept how hurtful the whole thing was.

Wth didn’t he thank you for the party at the very least?

I think PP was right when she said it's time to make a fuss. My toys would be well and truly out of the pram on this one. Make him scared of the fuss you can make.