DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

[Fastenyourseatbelt]

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

he sounds like a little bitch sorry-he wont say anything to them because he doesnt want a row
but its ok to upset you

his family dont like u for no reason and he doesnt say a word

he doesnt have your back at all

Why’s it often SIL? I have a spiteful SIL too.

Your DH should have mentioned you, and apologized for his nasty sister to you.

What did they / he do at your wedding?

Twat.

YANBU. Pathetic.

Saw a very well respected sportsman at an award ceremony, getting recognition for his unparalleled contribution to the game. Very first thing he mentioned was his wife.Bloody marvellous and went down well with the a largely male audience.

He's an embarrassment.

Why don't they like you?

Fastenyourseatbelt I am sorry this is really horrible. He was thoughtless not to thank you publicly for the party and say the big part you are in his life; he was indeed a coward not to tell his sister to shut up; and he was a double coward for lying to you.

Is it possible the relationship has cooled on his side? If so, would you want to know and confront him?

If he does really love you he needs to come up with a big gesture to show you how much, IMHO. I think he was spineless and cruel and you deserve a lot more for putting up with his atrocious family.

ouch.

That is shit.

You are not being unreasonable to feel put out. I might be sensitive (although Im long long term single so not in need of validation from a relationship, but if I were in one, I'd feel humiliated to be IN IT.

He was basically announcing to all and sundry ''I take my wife completely for granted. Worse, I barely notice her. No, worse still, I allow my family to announce loudly that they hope I"ll replace her''.

I meant I'd be humiliated to be staying in a relationship like he is giving the impression he has. Iyswim.

So he has a failing, which is the complete and utter inability to stand up to his family in defence of you.

That aside, how's the relationship?

When it comes to failings, you have two choices -

1. Try to actively work on the failing, to reduce it or remove it completely.

1. To ignore it completely, and simply try to avoid situations where it might become relevant.

Either option is better than -

1. Do nothing to change it, nor avoid situations where it might be important, thus causing you to fail again and again.

Stressing out about it privately without taking action to fix it is about as effective as trying to pass an exam by listening to hip hop music. Just don't.

YOU wanting to work on it isn't enough. You're not going to nag him into this. You need to convince him how badly it hurts you in order for him to realise, himself, that he needs to do something about it for the sake of him loving you, and your relationship as a married couple.

Once he realises this, he needs to have some serious sustained conversations with his family with you sitting there by his side. He explains to them that you have been, are, and always will be a significant part of his life, and that they need to accept that shit or they can kiss him goodbye forever.

If you explain how badly this hurts you, and he still doesn't care enough to do anything about it, you need to consider whether his feelings for you are equal to your feelings for him, and think seriously about how emotionally balanced this relationship is.

On the other hand, if you want to go with Option 2, neither of you go to any family event, ever again, ever. You write them off as being a nasty bunch of bitchy cunts, and you sever all contact for the rest of your lives, or until they make amends, whichever happens first.

Who do his family not like you?

That was meant to be why not who

If I were you I would sit down and calmly explain to him in depth how very sad this made you feel. Make sure he listens - and really understands. He needs to. He should have stood up for you.

He was correct to ignore her at the party . However he should have confronted her afterwards.
What are the reasons for disliking you ? Do you know ?

That is absolutely awful and I would be packing bags.
If he refuses to acknowledge your feelings or talk about it then write him a letter

Why are people asking the OP why the family don't like her? How the hell should she know? It's probably jealousy or snobbery but it's nothing to do with us. They just don't and it is rude and childish in the extreme.

By not mentioning you in his speech AT ALL it shows to all the people there how important you are in his life.
How could he talk about his life to date and not mention you at all?
The hurt must be awful.
I found it hard to read - to live it must be terrible.

I would be questioning why I am with a man who had the best opportunity to show his family that his wife was the most important, wonderful person in his life - and he didn’t even say your name.

What does he have to say about that?
Do you love him?
Do you have children together?
Do you think your life would be any worse without him and his nasty family?

I think you have some serious thinking to do and some very hard questions need answering.

That would be the last thing I ever did for him. No more cooking, organising, whatever you do for him. And first question he asked about it, I'd tell him he should ask his sister to do it, or his next wife, as they both seemed more important to him than me.

I would find it hard to come back from that.
I forgot to mention Dh in my speech at our wedding! I was so intent on thanking people for various help and contributions that I just didn't get to him! It is a long running joke now between us. And I apologised profusely when we first watched our wedding video.
Your situation seems different as he does not have your back in regards to his family.

YANBU. He sounds spineless and pathetic and his sister is an absolute cow. (I'd have nothing to do with her at all after that performance.) No wonder you're upset.

What are you going to do to address it though? Regardless of the SIL thing, have you asked him why he airbrushed you out of his entire adult life? Is he just a self-absorbed insensitive twat, or doesn't he care about you any more? He needs to fully explain himself so you can decide how to deal with it.

Interesting to hear from Quantumblue. Is it possible that, like her, your DH got a bit carried away rambling on about himself and just forgot to mention you, rather than deliberately omitting any reference to you? If the latter, you need to have it out with him, as others have said. You are his wife and his first loyalty is to you.

My DH only made a fleeting reference to me in his speech on our wedding day because he got so carried away talking about himself and making jokes. I gave him a hard time for it (but not on the day, didn’t want to spoil the party). So it does happen.

Four pages and where's the op?

Did he mention anyone other than himself during his speech? It would have been nice to have thanked you for being there for him and for organising the party. Seems very self absorbed of him to go on about himself, surely the guests know enough about his life already?
As his wife you deserve respect from him and his family. Try organising a party for you and see how he feels when you ignore his role in your life and have your family bad mouth him! Good luck with your relationship and don't forget to tell sil to shut up in future should she be at any future gatherings😁

I’m cringing at the thought of someone delivering a speech about themselves at their birthday party!

I’m also cringing for you OP, he and his family sound like a whole punnet of peaches.

YANBU

He needs to grow a pair. I'd be hurt if my other half treated me like this. You're his partner in life, by letting his family say things like this, he's being so disrespectful of your feelings. I'd struggle to respect him to be honest - he sounds pathetic. Sorry OP, you deserve better.

'Yeah he does, he also has great friends that could replace your seat so SHUT the fuck up'