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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't mention me. AIBU to be upset?

135 replies

Fastenyourseatbelt · 05/10/2018 20:26

Don't know if I'm being too sensitive about this. DH had a significant birthday recently and there was a big family get-together (mostly organised by me) which all his siblings etc attended. DH and I have been together since our teens. His family don't particularly like me but we are all polite to each other (some more frostily than others). DH has always refused to discuss this fully with me. Anyway, during the 'party' DH gives a speech about himself, his life etc but completely fails to mention me. I feel quite put out by this as it seemed like a good opportunity to make a 'public' declaration about us (his whole adult life has been spent with me so it is odd not to mention that). To make matters worse, SIL, who has been drinking, shouts out (from the far corner of the room) 'You still have time to get another wife!'. When is this ignored she repeats it. Everyone in the room continues to ignore it. DH carries on and finishes speech and then everyone goes back to eating, drinking and chatting as before. I was totally mortified and very hurt. That evening, I said to DH 'why didn't you say something to her?' and he claimed he hadn't heard her. This has come up in conversation several times now and each time he claimed he didn't hear her (which seemed dubious). But .. neither does he say anything supportive about the situation, which I would expect someone loyal to do. This really rankled with me. The other day I brought it up again and he finally admitted that he did hear her and said nothing because he didn't want any trouble/hassle from her (he has form for being cowardly in these situations). I feel really sad and disappointed in him. Not only did he not bother to mention me in his speech, he also ignored the nasty heckling from his DS. And to really add insult to injury he then lied about it. AIBU to feel really let down and disappointed in him? Does he really think so little of me? Is he sorry he is married to me and this is what he doesn't want to confront?

OP posts:
Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 20:57

Actually I think I would have wanted him to address it with her sober.

StoneofDestiny · 05/10/2018 20:59

He and his family sound grotesque. Yes, I'd be hurt too, but then livid enough to leave him to his sister.

QueenofallIsee · 05/10/2018 20:59

I organised a 40th for my significant other and put a lot of time, money and effort into it. When he gave a speech he mentioned his mum, my sister and his friends and not me

Final nail in the coffin - now my ex. It proved what I already knew, I was an afterthought

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 05/10/2018 21:01

I don't say this very often, but what a shower of utter twats they sound. Your SiL for behaving like such an utter brat, your husband for not dealing with it (or acknowledging you) & the rest of the guests for not bundling your SiL out of the room with their hands over her mouth.

I'd be devastated to be treated so badly in public. YADNBU.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 05/10/2018 21:01

If this was me, I would be seriously thinking about what I get out of this relationship.

If your dh doesn’t have your back then who does?

Zebra31 · 05/10/2018 21:02

You have been together since your teens and he didn’t mention you at all. That’s hurtful. I am not surprised you are upset. Allowing his DS to heckle you is just adding insult to injury. It sounds like his prioritising their feelings over yours. Without meaning to sound like I am attacking you. Does your DH think he can ignore your feelings in these situations because his confident ultimately you will put up with it anyway? Why would he change if he knows he doesn’t have to?

SummerIsEasy · 05/10/2018 21:03

DH could at the very least have thanked those who organised the get together, including OP. Most people would include that in any speech, it is only polite.

What his DS shouted was insensitive and downright rude, but it is not his fault she is an arseh**e. In your position I would be telling DH that there will be no more occasions like these and would ask him to speak with his DS and explain how hurtful it was, requesting some flowers for you and an apology asap.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2018 21:04

Is it just in front of his family that he becomes such a drip? If so, do you have much to do with them (other than at things like a significant birthday, a wedding or a funeral)? If this is the sort of thing that happens very, very occasionally and your H is lovely, loving, appreciative and all the rest of it, during the rest of your lives together, maybe it's better to let it slide.
However, if you've spent most of your married life/life as a couple having to sit there smiling politely while your H condones his family being shitty to you, what are his good points?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2018 21:06

Also (you may not want to answer this and please don't feel like you have to) is the reason his family behave like this because you are from a different ethnic/religious/cultural/class background to him/them?

LolaPickle · 05/10/2018 21:09

If i were in your situation OP, i would be upset

Very upset

Upset with my OH and just as upset with myself

I would be upset with myself for sitting there dumbly whilst this was going on

I would be upset with my husband for not saying something there and then

If I let things like this slide, it plays on my mind and I feel more upset with myself for not dealing with it there and then - and over the years I have learned it is not worth keeping quiet

If I were in your shoes OP, guaranteed I would have stood up and asked her what her fucking problem was. Yes it would have resulted in a public bun fight and potential backlash from OH but both are less painful than beating yourself about it

Just remember , you stood by too. In reality he has more obstacles stopping him from dealing with this, than y ou do

Ellie56 · 05/10/2018 21:11

He sounds a complete twat.He gave a speech about himself? Hmm Why didn't you ask afterwards why he didn't mention you as a significant part of his life? He should at least have had the good manners to thank you for organising his party.

His family sound like a bunch of tossers too. what do you actually get out of this relationship?

Powerless · 05/10/2018 21:12

LTB

Gemini69 · 05/10/2018 21:12

He was happy to enjoy the wonderfully organised Party organised solely by his Wife... but not enough to defend her honour when heckled by his Family... he sounds delightful Hmm

PickAChew · 05/10/2018 21:13

People give birthday speeches?

But, yeah. Twat.

Powerless · 05/10/2018 21:16

@PickAChew Grin

Candlelights2345 · 05/10/2018 21:17

You should have walked out. He also sounds like a twat, I think you know you are worth more than this Flowers
I also can’t get over him giving a speech about himself Hmm

awatchedpot · 05/10/2018 21:21

What did he say in his speech, if he didn't mention you? For what it's worth you sound like a nice person, who deserves far more...

MulticolourMophead · 05/10/2018 21:21

He really needs to explain himself. He gave a speech about himself, no mention of you, no thanks to you for organising things, and ignoring his sister's rudeness. Quite frankly, a selfish, self-absorbed arsehole.

He needs to make it up to you big time. And he needs to find his balls to stop his family being mean to you.

CoughLaughFart · 05/10/2018 21:24

Oh dear. I must say that was difficult to read because of the lack of paragraphs.

Must you?

OP - I would also be fuming in your shoes. Tell him that a) you don’t appreciate being ignored in a speech about the good thing in his life and b) even if he genuinely didn’t hear his sister’s comment at the time, he knows about it now - what’s he going to do about it?

bastardkitty · 05/10/2018 21:25

How massively disrespectful and hurtful of your H. It's a huge clichė but you only have one life and you should spend it with people who appreciate you. If this ìs indicative of how he generally treats you, you should LTB. Being single is far less lonely than being with someone like him and you may find a proper loving partner. His family sound charmers as well.

bastardkitty · 05/10/2018 21:26

Yes @Itsnotmesothere - I must say your post was hard to read because you were so smug and patronising.

CoughLaughFart · 05/10/2018 21:27

I also can’t get over him giving a speech about himself Hmm

Really? I’ve been to loads of parties for big birthdays, anniversaries etc. where people are asked/expected to make speeches. I agree he’s a twat for not mentioning his wife, but a speech in itself is not outlandish.

needsahouseboy · 05/10/2018 21:27

I'd have walked out. What an utter cock!

Cherrysherbet · 05/10/2018 21:28

I couldn't put up with this op. He behaved like a massive twat, and I would not be able to let it go. You need to confront him once and for all. Tell him you are not prepared to be treated with such disrespect. He needs to grow a pair.

Gersemi · 05/10/2018 21:31

Did he mention other people in his speech?

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