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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 19:02

Update: DH scolded me for not drinking the aperol spritz and drank it himself

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 19:06

How much does he drink op?

And again' you really don't have a booze problem, trust me, and the next time you're seeing a doctor they can confirm it if you are in any way worried about some of the daft responses on here.

TeddybearBaby · 05/10/2018 19:07

Sheep I hope your night improves. Your day sounds shite. My sister had the same and I thought thank god she went to all the tests and got it all sorted but it’s horrible isn’t it 😘.

I’m not even sure if it’s about the amount of alcohol as much as the reasons for it. Op I think you know yourself - although maybe your mum has clouded your judgement. Maybe your husband was being a bit of a bully? 💐

TeddybearBaby · 05/10/2018 19:08

Your husband is really irritating you atm isn’t he?! 😂

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 19:09

ARe you a doctor bluntness?
Because I am.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 19:12

LethalWhite what would medical advice be? Genuine question, no agenda. As I said upthread I recognise that alcohol could be an issue for me so I stopped.

Gabilan · 05/10/2018 19:18

I've seen people go from moderate drinking to alcoholism. I really couldn't say from what the OP is saying on here whether she has an alcohol problem or not. She might be at the start of a problem - it might be that her husband has gaslighted her into thinking this.

I would also say that the medical profession are not always that attuned to it. Sometimes your own levels of drinking can lead you not to question someone else's. Last time I did dry January, a friend of mine nagged me into drinking. She later confessed that she thinks she has a problem with alcohol and that that influenced her decision to encourage me to drink. I learned from that. If I want to stop drinking at any point for however long, no amount of "oh but it's only one" will make me change my mind. Quite a lot of people have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Sometimes it's good to stop and have a think about what you're consuming.

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 19:18

www.nhs.uk/news/food-and-diet/new-alcohol-advice-issued/

Generally, advice would be:

Try to keep under 14 units a week, above this level is likely to be harmful
Split the 14 units over several days
Try to have 3 non drinking days/week
Try to avoid drinking alone to excess due to risk of misadventure

I think the psychological impact is also relevant. If you’re feeling like you need alcohol to relax, or can’t cope with it it, or regretting things you are doing when drunk, or people who you trust are worried about your drinking(maybe not relevant with OP as OH sounds unreasonable!) then I’d recommend examining your relationship to alcohol, other issues in your life and how to have a healthy balance.

The risk is hat one glass of wine becomes ‘only 2’ which leads to a bottle a night. Very heavy drinkers rarely start by drinking that much.

Alcohol culture in the U.K. is really toxic, and what ‘normal’ looks like seems puritanical to some, as a 50 year old woman drinking half a bottle to a bottle of wine a night every night is not seen as unusual or worrying. Especially if it’s expensive wine, she has a good job and her husband and friends also drink etc etc etc

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 19:19

LethalWhite thanks, I appreciate that, I’ll have a look at the link now.

overnightangel · 05/10/2018 19:20

Op:
You’d do well to ignore what bluntness says, it’s always all about her. You’d be wise to give her advice a swerve. Hope you get sorted

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 19:20

No problem Hen!
Have a good weekend!

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 19:22

Thanks Lethal you too!

The link was really interesting, especially about how knowledge has moved on since 1995 when the last lot of guidelines were related.

Whocansay · 05/10/2018 19:22

OP, your husband is a twat. He just wanted your drink. But why on earth didn't you just order another small glass when he did that? I'd have done just that and taken it back to the room so I could read.

If you have concerns about alcohol generally, take a look at the AA website. I am from a family of alcoholics and was concerned about my intake at one point. I found it very helpful (and reassuring). It's not so much about how much you drink, it more about your attitude to drinking.

If you're having a mini bottle daily, that's 21 units per week, give or take. More than the recommended limit, but not outrageously so.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 19:23

ARe you a doctor bluntness?Because I am

Yeah. Sure you are. A doctor on here telling someone who pretty much complies with medical advice she's an alkie.

I think it's fairly clear you're no doctor. Sigh.

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 19:25

Bluntness - I take it you’re not then Grin

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 19:27

Bluntness. It’s a maximum not a fucking target.

PickledChutney · 05/10/2018 19:30

The fact that you were so annoyed about him drinking ‘your wine’ makes it sound as though you do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol tbh. Also, drinking a glass of wine every day is quite a lot over the course of a week and seems indicative of an alcohol dependency issue.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 19:31

Blackoutblinds that did make me Grin

You’re absolutely right of course.

Gabilan · 05/10/2018 19:43

Alcohol culture in the U.K. is really toxic, and what ‘normal’ looks like seems puritanical to some, as a 50 year old woman drinking half a bottle to a bottle of wine a night every night is not seen as unusual or worrying. Especially if it’s expensive wine, she has a good job and her husband and friends also drink etc etc etc

Change the genders and that almost exactly describes how my father became an alcoholic. And for those in doubt, he's now up to 2-3 bottles of win a day every day, and has been for 20 years. He's had a series of strokes, he has some form of dementia, in his mid 70s he's barely mobile.

Of course, this is not to say that everyone in that situation will become an alcoholic. But if you're drinking every day, just watch you're not kidding yourself about your own relationship with alcohol.

None of which detracts from the fact that the OP's husband sounds like an arsehole.

LuckyDiamond · 05/10/2018 19:50

Almost all of the old dears you see on the news who have lived to over a hundred put it down to a stiff drink every night. Crack on op and think about cutting the arsehole you’re married to loose.

MaudesMum · 05/10/2018 19:58

It sounds as if you are aware of the potential problems that you could have around drink, and you are managing yourself so as to avoid them. I'm similar, and I think that if you do have that level of awareness, and as long as you are entirely honest with yourself about how much you really drink (and take advantage of support such as the threads here) then that's a really good thing - but is unlikely to be understood by people who don't have problems. Apparently there's good evidence that a few weeks of total abstention - dry January/ dry October or whatever - has long term benefits so why not do that as well? I did most of January, and have just done most of September, and it as well as potential health benefits, it also makes you feel very much in control!

Banamara · 05/10/2018 20:01

I was away in rural Spain recently. Honestly, the amount of booze the locals put away there is amazing. And they seem to live forever too! This was in Galicia on the Camino Trail.

The locals came in to the cafe at breakfast, and had a kind of grappa or brandy and coffee. We had milky coffee at 8am! Lunchtime they were at it again, vino tinto with their meal. Nightime same thing with dinner. Then Soberano (brandy) to finish. They all looked great to me and in advancing years.

I suppose it is all the vegetables, but we never encountered ONE vegetable apart from potatoes on our ten day trek, and all white bread too.

I dunno what to think anymore. We had a rest day one day and decided to emulate the locals, I was wasted by the time lunch was finished. But enjoyed it immensely! 20k walk next day with a sort of sore head was a challenge tho!

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 05/10/2018 20:14

What the hell kind of parallel universe have I stumbled on on this thread?
An alcohol problem, on one glass a night?

FFS, only on Mumsnet!

alste · 05/10/2018 20:18

Your husband is a arse! Go get yourself a LARGE glass of wine, even the bottle, drink it and tell him you are a adult you can drink as much or as little as you like!

Duck90 · 05/10/2018 20:20

I cannot understand the sharing of your glasses of wine. Suggesting buying another one to share? So one glass, that you are each taking sips of? Or pouring into an empty.

I understand having a taste of each other’s and ordering the next one based on which you prefer.

Ps. Your post made me think he was drunk.