Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
TheSheepofWallSt · 05/10/2018 17:32

@lethal

I’m thirty and grew up on a council estate- albeit socially mobile.

Having a drink every day was neither abnormal on the estate where I grew up, nor the circles I moved in in Maida Vale and Islington for a decade.

If you’re going to stereotype, at least do so intelligently.

PavlovaFaith · 05/10/2018 17:33

I'm an extremely light drinker, if ever so I'm sorry if my view of alcohol is a little unrealistic. I do think a glass of wine a night is quite a lot (if 750ml is going three ways they they are large 250ml glasses). It's not even that it's a lot exactly - because one glass isn't a lot of alcohol but it's that you're having that most days or possibly every day, you aren't having many (if any) days without alcohol.

So is it that you can't go too long without alcohol or just choose not to? It sounds very much like your OH has genuine concerns but is being a bit of a twat about how he brings it up.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 05/10/2018 17:34

There's warning signs going off all over here, and they are about your husband!

Elephant14 · 05/10/2018 17:35

If your DH thinks you have a drink problem, get rid of him, problem solved. Celebrate with wine that he doesn't neck himself.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 17:35

By way of background my mother is a recovering alcoholic. As a result, I may feel unusually guilty about drinking. But I also know I like drinking probably a bit too much such that I could imagine it being a problem.

I don't know if I drink much more than the average person or if my reasons for drinking are particularly unusual.

OP posts:
Itsnotabingthingisit · 05/10/2018 17:35
  • are not about your husband ..we need an edit button!!!
TheSheepofWallSt · 05/10/2018 17:37

In fact if anything, unless you’re a welsh miner, generally I find it’s the lower middle class who have a problem with drink (and pretty much anything that smells like slightly like rakish or hedonistic behaviour- however far removed).

The wealthy and the poor are generally both very comfortable with daily alcohol intake- albeit the whys, wherefores, and whats are generally quite different.

TheSheepofWallSt · 05/10/2018 17:37

Ooohhh OP ... drip feed! Naughty! Grin

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 17:37

Itsnotabingthingisit: please explain?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 05/10/2018 17:39

2 different issues.

Maybe you do drink too much? I don't know, but worth thinking about. Most people drink more than the recommended amount which isn't very healthy.

But his actions as you described were rude, nasty and disrespectful.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 17:41

Sheep: I meant I can imagine it becoming a problem. I don't believe it affects my day-to-day life really. I feel very bad when DH criticises me after he thinks I have drunk too much. Friends I have asked about this in the past haved that he is just being a dick when he is critical and that I have not been such a mess. By I know that they possibly are just being nice.

I don't even get drunk at every wedding or anything. It's just sometimes, some occasions. By way of example, at our own wedding, DH was quite pissed and I took care of all the late night admin.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 05/10/2018 17:41

I was quite drunk and slightly insensitive to a childless woman

Lovely 🙄

CloudPop · 05/10/2018 17:44

If he's worried about your drinking then have an adult conversation about it. Don't drink your wine - when on holiday - and then be rude.

overnightangel · 05/10/2018 17:55

He may have been a bit rude but if your drinking is an issue that’s understandable
You need to look at yourself before you look at your partner

DuchessThingy · 05/10/2018 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HettieBettie · 05/10/2018 18:02

You sound like you know you have a problem and want us to tell you that you don’t.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 18:03

HettieBettie: I actually think DH was being a dick and I want to hear that he is Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 18:04

And to those who have asked, he is extremely selfish and is controlling in many ways - but usually about mutual decisions rather than trying to control what I personally do.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 18:20

Also, i am interestedly I knowing if others think I have a problem - so I am not only looking for validation.

DH has been sticking to me like glue today (despite my trying to avoid him) and now that I have seen comments here I am reminded of other times when he has been quite cruel when drunk and then later blamed it on the alcohol. So perhaps he feels he has been at least partially in the wrong.

He also just brought me an aperol spritz that I did not request (or particularly want).

OP posts:
Gabilan · 05/10/2018 18:25

I was quite drunk and slightly insensitive to a childless woman

Lovely

As a childless woman I've had stone cold sober people being astonishingly insensitive to me. A drunk person going on about how lovely their child is, is water off a duck's back.

OP it's very difficult to work out. I'm also the child of an alcoholic so I know what it's like to be sensitive to this. But it sounds very much as if your DP is using this knowledge to manipulate you. He could be aware that he drinks a bit much himself and be projecting on to you. He could just be a total arse. Or it could be that you do drink a little too much but even if that is the case, what he did was rude and insensitive.

Could you, outside of this thread and away from him, talk to someone relatively impartial. Not a friend, maybe a good counsellor. See what they make of the alcohol consumption and your relationship with him. It's very hard to unpack on here, from what you're saying.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 18:32

It's the having some most days thats the issue

Actually, having some most days is the medical recommendation, as opposed to binging at the weekends. The 14 units a week is supposed to be spread out.

Op, you have no problem, any doctor will tell you that. Not even slightly, Seriously craziest thread I've been on. Don't listen to anyone other than medical advice and the medical advice says it's perfectly fine to drink as you're doing as it's the safe way.

I'm sorry about your mother, I'm sorry your husband is a dick, and I'm sorry people on here are posting stuff so erroneous it's shocking.

Candlelights2345 · 05/10/2018 18:38

A single small bottle of wine is 187ml. For the pearl clutches It’s hardly raging alchie territory is it?
To the OP, he nicked your wine because he wanted it, it was done in a disrespectful way and he sounds overbearing.

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 18:52

Bluntness - no, current medical recommendations is at least 3 non drinking days per week

LethalWhite · 05/10/2018 18:53

The 14 units/week is the maximum recommended level, not the obligatory amount to fit in!

TenForward82 · 05/10/2018 18:59

OP, you don't have an alcohol problem. And that's coming from someone who doesn't drink at all. You have a DH problem.