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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
smudgedlipstick · 05/10/2018 15:49

Sorry but you do sound like you have an unhealthy relegation shop with Alcohol.

smudgedlipstick · 05/10/2018 15:50

Well that didn't make any sense! 'An unhealthy relationship with alcohol' it's sounds like he is worried about your drinking and maybe didn't know how to broach it with you and it spilled out this way.

Brian9600 · 05/10/2018 15:54

God, I don't think you sound like you have a problem with alcohol at all. A single glass of wine most days (5 a week?) is about 10 units a week. Getting pissed at a wedding might not be ideal but it's hardly unusual (I'm assuming you lost a shoe from your bag, not that you were wondering around with only one on?)

He was being an arse. Is he generally controlling?

FrogsAreMean · 05/10/2018 15:57

I think it's incredibly sad that you are having this type of conversation on your holiday and there may be underlying issues relating to your relationship in general to be honest.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:58

Yes, it fell out it my bag. I changed to flats. I almost lost something else from the same bag on the tube the next day when totally sober so I think this is what happened.

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 05/10/2018 15:58

That's really odd. I am usually the first to say that if someone is raising concerns about your drinking, then it is probably a good idea to have an honest look at yourself. However, you mentioned putting stoppers in wine bottles, which doesn't sound like alcoholic behaviour to me! (am a sober alcoholic).

His criticisms of your drinking also seem a little off. Saying "it's not a good look" is hardly an argument for stopping drinking. A single example of being drunk at a wedding also doesn't seem that compelling. If you had a problem, I would have thought he would have more ammunition than that. In my experience, honest examination of problems with alcohol usually involve things such as: does it interfere with your work? Your relationships? Your health? Have you tried to cut down, but been unable to? That kind of thing. Plus, it was okay for you to order the wine, but not to drink it?

How's his drinking? Could he be projecting? Is controlling behaviour normal for him? There's no harm in having an honest look at your drinking - at the very least it will give you material with which to have a good discussion with him about it. However, you may also need to have an honest look at your relationship with him, and how much in control he needs to be.

StormTreader · 05/10/2018 15:59

If you're having a glass or two of wine every night, I'd be pretty surprised if you were slurring after three.

Blackoutblinds · 05/10/2018 16:00

He was a dick but you seem to have an issue.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 16:08

Was he drunk op? How much does he drink? Sometimes booze can make people belligerent and I suspect that's what happened here.

For info, sure a glass or two of wine a night isn't great but you're clearly not some alcoholic, you only get drunk a couple of times a year. Who doesn't.

If you're used to drinking daily I doubt you were slurring after three glasses. And really you were on holiday, who gives a shit if you were.

For me, I'd guess he was just being a nasty drunk.

DancingDot · 05/10/2018 16:09

I would look at these comments in the wider context of your relationship. Has he been pass remarkable , judgemental or controlling in other areas of your life, e.g. the way you dress, the way you behave? Does he set higher standards for you than he does for himself? Does he often drop little nuggets of criticism when you are at your most relaxed? If the answer to any of these question is yes- then it might be an idea to have a look at whether this relationship is nurturing and fulfilling you or is chipping away at your self-esteem and happiness.

Do you think that you drink too much? If you feel that your life and relationships are genuinely unaffected by how much you drink then you have your answer. For me drinking even one glass of wine an evening would leave me feeling physically crap and limit my ability to parent and work properly - whereas I have friends who happily drink 10 times what I drink in a week and they are physically, emotionally and mentally able to absorb that ( an they don't have kids Wink).

Quartz2208 · 05/10/2018 16:09

OP I recognise the username (have been on threads before down to we work in the same building now the ticker has gone up)

He is awful - this is just another way of him being awful and controlling and getting the upper hand

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 16:10

And ignore those saying you've a problem. That's ludicrous. You're probably at rhe min safe limit or just above. No biggie.

happypoobum · 05/10/2018 16:11

I think if I was married to your DH OP I would be drinking every night too...

He wanted your wine. He was quite happy for you to drink the one he didn't want. Then he got all defensive and tried to turn it around on you.

beachysandy81 · 05/10/2018 16:17

He sounds controlling. Everyone gets a little merry at a wedding, so what! I would hate to be with someone that brought up every time I was slightly tipsy as if I had committed a terrible sin. So tense to live with someone like that.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 05/10/2018 16:20

One glass a night and you have a 'problem' ? I don't think so.

Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 16:20

I think I borderline have an issue with alcohol. I drink a bit more when I am upset. I use it to de-stress. I don't get drunk at work events (though I have in the past, in a job I hated where big nights out were common). I don't get drunk around DD. I don't get drunk such that it affects my work the next day.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 05/10/2018 16:22

(And I should say that I don't generally get drunk at all.)

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 05/10/2018 16:25

He’s a dick. But it does sound like you are drinking too much, when you get back from holiday I would consider seeing your GP to get some support to stop drinking.

Coyoacan · 05/10/2018 16:28

I think you are concerned about your alcohol intake, OP, and that is good. But I think your dh is using this to control you.

I was like you but over the years the amount I drank gradually increased as did the feeling that I really needed a drink at night, until I had to just stop completely. However, one of my closest friends drinks like I did but her children use this as a stick to beat her with.

abbsisspartacus · 05/10/2018 16:28

Can you not drink? See if he picks faults elsewhere?

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 16:31

I also think that if he does have genuine concerns about your alcohol consumption, ordering wine was a monumentally stupid thing for him to do, and he had no reason to show you up the way he did.

But I still think you need to address your drinking, even if it is “mild”.

lifetothefull · 05/10/2018 16:41

If he was sober himself he probably wouldn't have mentioned it. that's quite ironic that it's the drink that seems to have made your DH speak unkindly to you about your drinking.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 16:42

Looking at your other threads he himself drinks regularly op?

Duchessgummybuns · 05/10/2018 16:49

My favourite thing about mumsnet is when the pearl clutchers assemble when someone admits enjoying alcohol Grin

Your DH was being a bit of a knob OP.

TheSheepofWallSt · 05/10/2018 16:49

Fucking hell, only on mumsnet would the OP have a “problem with alcohol”...

OP you like booze a bit too much you say- I daresay that’s approx 50% of women in their thirties and forties. You’re not unusual or even, forgive me, slightly interesting in your drinking habits.

Your DP has a problem though- he’s a controlling cunt. I’m not surprised you want to drink- I’d probably be on the fags and the odd trammie for a bit of a holiday myself.

Knock him on the head, not the Pinot babe.