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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 12/11/2018 17:08

Thanks for explaining again della I think that does make your dilemma clear Sad. But the thing he said about getting an employer to sponsor a visa is that feasible?

TheWiseWomansFear · 12/11/2018 17:29

He didn't like his wine so made it your problem 🙄 arse

HiHoToffee · 12/11/2018 17:37

That was a nasty spiteful thing to say, please do not believe for a second that he is right.

You might want to inform him of the cost for a full time nanny.

And get legal advice.

dellacucina · 12/11/2018 17:58

HiHoToffee

Thanks. I know he is not right. DD does need me and I am far more concerned about her happiness than he is as far as I can tell. He openly makes it clear in front of her that he doesn't want to look after her.

OP posts:
dellacucina · 12/11/2018 18:05

DishingOutDone

It may be possible but it would put me in a very insecure position.

OP posts:
Daftapath · 12/11/2018 18:44

That's annoying that it has to be a full ongoing relationship but does make sense. Do you know what the situation would be if you were to have to leave the UK, with regards to your daughter? I know that he has threatened to keep her but perhaps once push came to shove he would be less interested in doing so. Can you prove that you do a lot more for her in terms of day to day care, to strengthen your position for her to be able to leave with you? I understand that you would probably prefer to stay here and not test whether you could leave with your daughter, just thinking through all eventualities

dellacucina · 12/11/2018 19:14

Daftapath

I do not know. I assume it would involve a lengthy custody battle. I don't know what the court considers when making this type of decision

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 12/11/2018 19:22

Op. May I ask about the Spousal Visa thing as I am not familiar with the terms of them. I assume that it applies while you are still married even if you are separated?

How long does the average divorce take in the UK? Especially when one party is not from UK/EU?

dellacucina · 12/11/2018 19:26

No, the relationship has to be genuine and subsisting. I presume that if you're broken up but living together this means your relationship is not subsisting.

OP posts:
dellacucina · 12/11/2018 19:27

Or broken up and not living together. Being separated sounds to me like a death knell for the visa.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 12/11/2018 19:31

I am sorry but my heart breaks for you and your daughter. I know this is a silly question but where is your passport? If you can keep it in your office and away from him.

Missingstreetlife · 12/11/2018 19:42

Lots of people with alcohol problems keep a lid on it, or don't drink. Lots of alcoholics hued drinking and you would never know. Lots of different types of drink problems exist. You don't have to be a stereotype, you can't really always judge for other people. It's a case of can you stop if you want to, are you dependent, is it affecting areas of your life. If op feels she has a problem and is working on it why undermine her.
The main problem here is that she is forced to be with a man who despises her, and abuses his power. He knows she cannot leave, he is a pig. Op needs to plot her escape, get advice and know she is worth more than this. Feel for you op, hope you can find a way out.

dellacucina · 13/11/2018 08:52

purplecorkheart

I honestly don't think that is a risk! I don't have it in a secure place

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 13/11/2018 20:44

Your child's passport should be where you can get it, preferably he can't. Get advice about your status, go grey rock with him. Good wishes

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