Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
Troels · 09/10/2018 10:17

Nice support from Mum there Hmm. It's not a good relationship, start seperating yourself from this awful marriage and get on with life.

Original poster
dellacucina · 09/10/2018 11:50

I think she is tired of hearing me complain and she thinks we are bound for divorce. She is also trying to get me to force the issue about counseling.

OP posts:
Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 12:30

I am struck by many things you have posted but the greatest is “he forces his opinion on mutual decisions” if he insists having his way on mutual decisions then it’s hardly a mutual decision,is it? I would leave him so fast his head would spin tbh but the onus is on you -judging by the other responses here I don’t think I’d waste my time-good luck you deserve to be happy

overnightangel · 09/10/2018 13:44

Your Mam sounds like a fool to be fair.
Why are you choosing to live your life like this though?
Are you trying to be a martyr.
For Christ’s sake step up and stop being a victim

Original poster
dellacucina · 10/10/2018 16:27

All of this has given me serious food for thought.

I have not had anything to drink since Friday (will tonight because I am going out though!), And it has been absolutely fine. DD has me so exhausted I definitely don't need any extra help!

I have also been ignoring DH more. He seems to feel bad (who knows how long that will last) and is being extra nice to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 01:28

Update: had counseling today for the first time. He was charming and had an answer for everything.

Later, I met a friend for dinner (quite late because DH was on some work call and I couldn't hand over DD).

He called during dinner because DD was vomiting and he felt I needed to come take care of her. I normally have all sounds off. I was in the middle of dinner and didn't see the message for about 30 minutes (unusual for me). My friend asked why he could not take care of his own daughter and encouraged me to pay our bill and finish our meal before responding (about 10 minutes more max).

When I got home DH gave me a bollocking for not having my ringer on. I told him that this generally works well and I would not have heard the ring anyway in the restaurant. He was insistent and said that you can set priority people to always ring.i asked if was one on his phone and he said, uhhhh I think so. I then sat next to him to see. As he was scrolling through, I saw a familiar (male) name and I said, "who's that?" It was a quite innocent question as I could not recall exactly how I knew the name.

DH said it's not my business etc. He was really mean about it and made a big point about me being nosy.

The current position is he is angry that I won't "compromise" by changing my ring settings (compromise as I said he should do in counseling) so he doesn't have to compromise by answering annoying questions.

It all seems like a childish punishment. I also don't think he should be demanding I change my phone settings.

Um...I guess the question is, AIBU?

OP posts:
DragonGoby · 20/10/2018 05:42

Your friend was right, OP. Even if you’d had the ringer on and heard the call, why should you leave the restaurant? DH should be perfectly capable of looking after his sick DD without calling you home (unless it’s really serious obvs).

lovetherisingsun · 20/10/2018 06:24

Your friend was right. Also....that "male" name...may not be male.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 07:50

But also...I feel he is punishing me for saying in the counseling session that he should compromise more. He kept going at me saying I am not listening to his valid feelings that I should answer my phone, and I should compromise by changing the settings.

OP posts:
Pluckedpencil · 20/10/2018 08:18

You drink like plenty of women these days. Not saying it's right but you're hardly attending an AA meeting for it. Your husband was distracting you from him being a selfish knobhead.

RandomMess · 20/10/2018 08:30

He is bullying you...

So was this person on priority ring or just a random name in his address book?

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 08:47

He eventually told me who it was - a random builder who did work on our house once. (Not on priority ring) He was just being mean and saying he doesn't have to answer my annoying drunk questions because I wouldn't bow to his will over the phone settings issue. (for context I had a small glass of wine upon arrival and my friend and I shared a bottle of wine over dinner)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2018 09:37

Ok I revise my statement-

He's a nasty bully Angry

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/10/2018 09:46

He is a bully and emotionally abusive.
That’s why became across so nice and reasonnable during the counselling but has no qualms in punishing you and making your life a misery when you are back home.
I’m not sure I wouod carry in the counselling with him tbh as I’m pretty sure he is going to turn everything round and make you responsible for all the little things.
It will give him even more ammunitions.
But I wouod carry in having more counselling in your own.

Fwiw I think he can look after his dd on his own. He and she isn’t need you. More likely he didn’t want to deal with a vomiting child whilst YOU were out having fun.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 09:57

In the counseling, he said he feels that I make less money now but still demand the luxuries I could afford when I made more. I asked for an example and he wasn't able to think of oneHmm

My hope is that the counselor sees through the bits that are bullshit so we can possibly make some progress - but his comments last night are making me really concerned about whether he is capable of actually participating in the process

OP posts:
Feb2018mumma · 20/10/2018 10:00

He drank all your wine so you couldn't! That is so mean! I'd have ordered another glass and stood up and downed it! Well I'd like to think it would! What a mean thing for him to do and say! Holidays are for over drinking anyway!

RandomMess · 20/10/2018 10:14

Do you like him?

Laureline · 20/10/2018 10:15

To be honest, I think your marriage is over if the few days you’ve just described are a sample of your daily existence. Personally I could not live like this, being single would be much better.

Could you not go to individual counselling? To work out what you want from life, and what are your next steps?

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:15

RandomMess: I don't know anymore. I have trouble enjoying time with him at this stage.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2018 10:23

I'm not surprised, I too think your marriage is over so stop killing yourself hoping he'll see the light and consider changing himself Thanks

seventhgonickname · 20/10/2018 10:25

I think you are coming to the same conclusion we are.It is time to plan on leaving.Flowers

buckeejit · 20/10/2018 10:41

Ugh. He sounds awful. I think you should speak honestly at the next session & say you feel like there's not much progress being made & you want to be with someone who makes you feel better than everyone else. Your dh just seems to be interested in point scoring & being top dog.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:43

buckeejit: I was thinking of bringing up this incident and asking if we can discuss what it means to compromise. Would that be out of line?

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:47

(in the next session)

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 20/10/2018 10:48

It’s always said on here that joint counselling is a bad idea where there is abuse in a relationship.
This man sounds like he could be emotionally abusive & perhaps you should consider whether you might gain more from counselling just for you.
I don’t thank no this man had any desire to change & you should put your own welfare ahead of your relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread