To think DH was being needlessly unkind

[dellacucina]

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

If you do really need to stay for a year. Go onto the relationship board and follow all the links about living with abusers.

Also read the books recommended.

That way by the end of the year, you will still have the resilience to leave.

Swap some of your drinking for reading, planning and visualisation (of what life will be like in a year).

Would you look at other techniques such as meditation, yoga, tai chi etc?

You will feel a lot better.

Birdsgottafly

Thanks. This is all good advice.

I really like yoga but find it hard to set aside time, especially since I am dependent on DH to look after DD when I go.

I think I'm quite cynical but I'd be worried about his intentions. He's manipulative and probably thinks you'll leave him. It sounds like you're financially dependent on him. He also seems to be setting a scene where you have a acholol problem and there is evidence of you being the child of an alcoholic. If you go to leave him I think he will use everything against u. Particularly with a child and custody - it'll be a control thing. If you must spend a year, build an escape route, save, make sure you have things in your name and don't drink to excess around him. As others have said, he's not too hot on his own consumption- I'd play him at his own game. Start making reference to how stressed he is and the amount he drinks. You need to start taking control.

hungrypanda2008

I am starting to have similar concerns. I didn't previously think he was vindictive but I have been concerned watching how he approaches conflict with our au pair.

Fortunately I make a good salary, but it is frightening to think of trying to manage on my own.

Yes, I need to think of ways to be more independent and stop him from undercutting me. He has been opening a bottle of wine to share almost every night. It's quite hypocritical.

Realistically, I think he would bluster and threaten and put me down, but raising DD alone would be too much bother for him. Even so, sometimes hurt people work against their own interests, so perhaps he would try to take DD from me and even convince himself that I am a totally unfit parent.

I have to say I'm cynical too...

If it's white wine I would take a very small amount (less than a 175 small measure) make into a large spritzer and make a note of how much you are drinking. You could do this easily with an app.

Build your evidence trail. Ensure there aren't savings that only he has access to as well.

I would also declare you are only drinking at home Fri/Sat nights from now on next time he offers you a glass etc.

RandomMess

Would you use an app so you have a record showing you don't drink too much?

I'm honestly not drunk often at all.

Reading again, I am sure that's what you're saying. I feel that he would use that against me - he would say why is she so carefully monitoring her intake sometimes if she does have a problem.

But I do take the point. A record / evidence trail may be necessary to protect my interests.

I feel like I am drowning
I really am becoming paranoid about it merely because of how badly he treats me
He has always done whatever he wants, and forced me to do things his way, since basically the start of the relationship.
I feel anxious and suspicious.
I loathe him and I am having trouble coping.
DD is my main concern. I am really worried about the effect all the fighting will have on her,
Every day is a misery with this man.

All of this is just from this page (100 posts) alone.

WHY is living with this man better than a divorce?

He is damaging you AND your daughter, yet you carry on? I have no words.

Just said I wanted to make a few things today to eat in the week. DH demanded to know what the au pair would be cooking. I told him I didn't think she needed to make anything in the week as I could make these things. He proceeded to complain at me for having too many cooking projects.

I love cooking and have barely cooked in months because he complains every time I do.

He sounds like a nightmare. I don't know what gets into people when they turn everything into a problem / argument, but in my experience it is a miserable, stressful life. I hope you're ok op. Try to keep stepping back and keep detached and view his behaviour objectively. Ie don't get into a debate about it. Is it ok to behave like this? Would you behave like this? Please talk to friends in real life too. Take care

It's almost 5 pm on Sunday and he basically has looked after DD for a total of 4 hours all weekend including Friday . He claims his objection to my cooking is that he would have to look after her mote

Sommelierrrr

Thanks. I do think his behaviour is crazy. I am starting to think that there is actually something wrong with him.

Fortunately I make a good salary, but it is frightening to think of trying to manage on my own. - Dellacucina I read a lot of your threads as I too have an abuse prick of a husband, and this is a constant theme with you, this job thing. Earning a good salary. Having an au pair etc.

Am I right in saying that you are both solicitors? Have you seen a divorce solicitor and got advice?

About the drinking thing you could just stop drinking in the week and then any accusations you can safely say "I have one white wine on a Friday and sometimes on a Saturday" use weight loss as an excuse if you need to?

The cooking - what does he do all weekend that makes unavailable to look after DD?

He's a complete shit isn't he...

Play the long game, find out precisely what and when it is you need to do to secure being able to stay in the UK (or whoever) when you call time on this farce.

There is a poster called Mo that left a similar sounding man, took her time and planning even without the immigration status issue.

DishingOutDone
We both work in the legal profession. I have not spoken to anyone, no.

Yes, we are in a quite privileged position but with demanding jobs.

Sorry to hear about your husband. What are you going to do? (If you know).

RandomMess

He does productive things usually. Either work or DIY stuff.

He appears to have the attitude that everything is more important than leisure and family. He always says that he wants to have fun and spend time with DD and me, but it never seems to happen.

I actually have been drinking less since starting this thread! (Like forgoing the nightly wine Sunday through Wednesday usually). It seems so dreary to alter all of my behaviour so I am above reproach in case of a future breakup situation. This will require thought, especially since a determined malicious person will find a way to make their target look bas no matter what

Not drinking is not “dreary”. The drinking you’re doing is miserable anyway. The problem is your abusive husband, and your immigration status. Getting the legals sorted should be a top priority. Being stone cold sober almost all the time will help.

Your H is a determined, malicious person, so as well as a shit hot lawyer (or two) you will need support from womens aid or similar.

The good news is that you have woken up to who he really is already so you have time to make plans.

Do you have friends you can visit with DD at the weekends? I would invest in friendships as much as possible.

Its really simple if you can do a month without any alcohol your not dependant if you can't last a week you have a problem. 2 days and your addicted. Your husband sound like a dick btw

Loopytiles I actually don't mean just not drinking. It's been fine cutting down, no problem at all really.

I have been fighting his controlling attitude and general treatment of me for a long time. I actually think he has been getting worse. Now I feel like I need to roll over to keep the peace. So for example I just gave in and didn't push making the extra meal to have in the week. The idea of doing this for a year is depressing.

RandomMess

I still need to have some hope that it could improve

Yes, investing in friendships is a very good idea. I have some friends I can see. DH probably won't mind me taking DD out of his hair during the weekend either tbh

Op. You don’t drink too much. Tell him to duck off

della I have very little money I can barely afford the mortgage on my own but I am hoping to save up and get him to take a small lump sum to go (I have seen a solicitor and she was very encouraging) but I am older and our DCs are mid-late teens.

I decided it all had to stop when I found out my DD had been involved in an abusive relationship; I thought please god no this pattern is just repeating - you just strike me as someone staying as going sounds too tricky to organise, and I was like that for years.

Now everyone who knows keeps saying to me how will you cope, what about picking up from the airport and school etc., lifts to the station, my youngest DD cannot be left alone due to anxiety, so surely I'd be better off staying with him etc.