Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:55

TheVeryThing: he says that he wants the counseling to work. After the session, he put his arm around me, the first affectionate gesture I have seen from him in a long time.

I am not sure that he has thought through what counseling might actually entail, though.

He says he has been making a strong effort to be nice recently. It's probably true that some of his worst behaviours have changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 10:55

But I probably should seek individual counseling, yes

OP posts:
Elephant14 · 20/10/2018 11:23

Go to counselling on your own. Say this But I am not sure if I am crazy. Maybe it is my fault. I have had less and less patience for him and instead of ignoring when he snaps or doesn't treat me as I think he should, I now blow up. Maybe I need to just learn to suck it up and ignore. - so that the counsellor can realise how low your self esteem is.

I think we are all more or less sad that you can't see what this man is up to; I don't think anyone can see a way the marriage can be saved, but you seem hell bent on saving it at any cost Sad

RandomMess · 20/10/2018 12:51

Read your other thread, he is being controlling...

Is there any actual evidence that DD vomited?

You have an au pair and he still felt the need to call you??? He isn't going to wanting 50:50 shared care is he if you split!

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 12:55

Yes, she definitely vomited. I came home and found she was lying in bed wearing only a nappy and there were soiled clothes in the bath Shock

TBF the au pair was out

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/10/2018 13:01

He treats you like another employee but he's not even a good employer!!!

I was away with work when all 3 DC got a vomiting bug after the other, one of them puked hourly throughout the night 🤮

Three days later I got back then DH got it and looked after himself so I didn't catch it. All the sheets etc washed and dried it's just a crap part of parenting.

londonstories · 20/10/2018 13:11

It doesn't sound to me like you have much of an alcohol problem op. It sounds like he is trying to make you anxious.

londonstories · 20/10/2018 13:13

My ex partner was like that. He used to criticise me all the time and make me feel small. There was always something wrong with me. I left him when I realised what was really going on. He liked it when I was sick and was kind to me but at other times he would bully me.

Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 15:47

Not that this is needed, but I am getting quite worked up and it's helpful to get objective evidence...the girl whom DH claimed I had treated insensitively told others after the fact that I was really funny and she enjoyed the conversation that DH branded as offensive

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 20/10/2018 18:33

Update: date night and I informed DH (who has been nagging me relentlessly) that my last effort to locate the shoe had failed. I ended with, "so I never want to hear about it again."

He responded by saying, "that was an expensive night."

When I asked wtf he would say that and ruin our evening (since this is obviously a sore spot and I had literally just told him to stfu), he said "I just want to make sure you understand you have a problem" (he had just ordered us wine)

OP posts:
BlueGlasses · 20/10/2018 18:44

I would only ask you to ask yourself if the constant needling, point scoring and game playing is making you happy?

He does seem to be incredibly hard work and life is hard enough anyway without having to either be on the defensive or the attack.

I understand it's not as easy as just saying LTB as an entwined life is not easy to disentangle but please ask yourself honestly if you love him enough to look back on a lifetime of living like this and not wishing you'd made a change when you had the emotional energy to do so.

I was in a relationship like this years ago and the emotional fallout from the 6 years of game playing with my head took a long time to get over. 

Elephant14 · 20/10/2018 18:45

date night. You went on date night with this controlling arse?

OP you are so smitten with this awful man, what if he starts on your DD next?

Original poster
dellacucina · 21/10/2018 14:38

Elephant14: I am not smitten. At this point, I loathe him and I am having trouble coping. I would just really prefer to find a way to make things work. he is the father of my child and I do not want a divorce if it can be avoided.

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/10/2018 14:53

della I understand where you're coming from, but in case it hasn't been said already, do you think there's a chance it could be more damaging for your DD if you stay with him? Assuming he doesn't change, or at any rate the improvement doesn't last (which sounds likely) will your DD grow up watching him undermine you? Will she learn to tiptoe around him to avoid setting him off? If he's as manipulative as he sounds, could he try to use her against you? What about when she's older and more outspoken and independent, will he start chipping away at her? Worth thinking about.

callmeadoctor · 21/10/2018 15:12

Laughing at the horror of Mumsnet that says a glass of wine a night is a problem!!!!!! Really?

Original poster
dellacucina · 21/10/2018 23:13

JesusInTheCabinVan my DD is my main concern. I am really worried about the effect all the fighting will have on her, and I also think he is needlessly grumpy toward both of us.

It's terrifying to think of him using her against me - but that would be a risk if we divorced too.

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 22/10/2018 19:25

della maybe, but she wouldn't grow up thinking it was acceptable behaviour.

Bottom line: would you be happy for your DD to marry someone like him? If not, you shouldn't be happy for her to grow up with him either. Her future relationships will be modelled on what she sees playing out between the two of you as she grows up.

Original poster
dellacucina · 24/10/2018 15:25

I have been getting further insight into the way DH thinks watching him deal with our au pair.

He is annoyed with her so he suggested the following:

  1. That we intentionally stay out late tonight to mess up her social plans
  1. That I ask her when she plans to pick up our mildly sick DD from nursery, then if she gives the wrong answer (to get her early), to express disappointment and make her feel bad
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/10/2018 15:28

Mm shows how his mind works
Not nice

RandomMess · 24/10/2018 15:31

He is really nasty Angrytime to get your ducks in a row and end it.

Original poster
dellacucina · 24/10/2018 15:32

The au pair is quite poor but this passive aggressive bs is unnecessary and unhelpful in my opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 24/10/2018 15:33

*and obviously the wrong answer above is NOT to get her early

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 24/10/2018 15:43

He’s setting her up to fail and I bet my bottom dollar he’s been doing the same with you. It’s abusive behaviour.

Instead of just tackling her behaviour head on and having an adult conversation with her, he’s being passive aggressive to prove that he’s right. Really manipulative behaviour

fanfan18 · 24/10/2018 15:50

the "recommended amount" was plucked from the air by medical professionals - they have admitted this more than once.

The recommended amount also doesn't take into account age, height, weight etc - all big factors in metabolism of alcohol.

By the PP's comments on this thread literally everyone I know is an "alcoholic".

Alcoholism I think is completely individual. If it is a problem for you, it's a problem.

If OP has a glass of wine each night and it doesn't effect her life other than stupid comments from the husband then I recommend he gets cut out of her life and not the wine.

justfloatingpast · 24/10/2018 16:14

Oh for goodness sake, my 83 year old mother has a glass of wine every night, and she is far from having a drink problem. The ridiculous rubbish some posters come out with really is scaremongering and not helping other posters to distinguish between safe and excessive drinking.

OP you don't sound like you have a drink problem, but you do sound like you have a husband problem.