To think DH was being needlessly unkind

[dellacucina]

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

this is all pure bollocks though, isn’t it? unless you are Alexis Carrington. secret plans to undermine the au pair? the horror!

exWifebeginsat40

Are you suggesting that my story is bollocks? It's 100% true...

justfloatingpast yes my 82 year old mother often has a glass of wine with her lunch and with her evening meal. She then follows with a large brandy. She has done this for as long as I can remember, meals are a pleasurable experience which are enhanced with wine and a brandy settles her stomach.

She talks about alcohol units sometimes and says she’d rather enjoy her life now than live for countless more years. I agree with her, she’s not harming anyone and has had a full and pleasurable life. Surely that’s more important than fitting in with random government numbers.

So much judgement on mumsnet about alcohol! Are we all aiming to live until we can piously go and exist in care homes? I know there’s got to be a balance but some of these comments are completely ridiculous

When FIL wanted to pick a fight with MIL he would pour her a large glass of whisky and wait for her to get most of it down before making some kind of mean remark, which inevitably led to her lashing back. The end of the conversation was nearly always about how her father had died of alcohol (MIL said this was rubbish).

XH tried that one with me as well, but it didn't work because I had seen it play out between his parents. Also he made Bacardi and coke, which I like, but far too strong so even if I was in the mood for one I'd tip it into a second glass - he always filled it to the brim - and dilute it by about 50%. He was furious when I flat out refused to drink it one time. He said it had already been made so it would be wasted. I said maybe next time he'd think to ask me whether I wanted it before pouring, and he got quite huffy. I think this is what your H was doing when he bought the pop thing, and the real reason he was miffed you wouldn't drink it was so he couldn't say "there you go, drinking at x time, I said you had a problem".

XH also did the thing where, knowing I am a bit of a motormouth and do just blurt out the wrong thing sometimes, he would tell me I'd said something truly awful and somebody was ever so offended. One time it was actually true (I was post-natal and really quite far off the planet). The other times were mostly entirely made up. Sometimes I hadn't even said the thing, or when I had the alleged offence was tenuous at best. Just two of many, many reasons why he is ex.

Staying for the sake of the children is hideously overrated.

*Anniegetyourgun that is a dreadful story

Anniegetyourgun

My abusive ex had to same modus operandi. They find out what your weak point is and exploit it for all it is worth. Whereas a loving partner tries to build you up and help you get over your internal anxieties.

We have had another counseling session and he seems to be making an effort. He mostly listened while I told him how unhappy I am :(

At one point I mentioned something he did and the counselor said in an outraged way, "I would go mental if someone did that to me! That's emotional abuse!"

After the session, I asked DH what he thought of that and he said he thought she was exaggerating.

It will be interesting to see how this all goes.

He would say that wouldn’t he

I’ve no advice for you that is any different from what you have already received. Good luck

On on MN. 🙄
Op apparently has a alcohol problem, Say the people who clearly only have one sherry at Christmas.
FFS

Every day is a misery with this man.

He complains relentlessly about my salary and likes to remind me how much of a financial contribution I make to the household every time we have a disagreement about an expense.

DD needs some follow up allergy testing which would cost £280 in the private clinic that we have been going to. Our insurance has paid for all the other procedures but won't for this one.

I feel quite strongly that it would be a good idea to book this in and get it over with. DH disagrees. In a discussion about it this morning, he asked me how much I personally earn each month.

I have told him before that this kind of comment is off limits and I consider it massively disrespectful. But still he trots it out whenever it is convenient for him.

He is a mean unkind man that won't change

The concern with couples counselling is that he will actually use it to be more abusive towards you.

Find out exactly what your immigration status is, how you gain the right to remain/residency. Build friendships away from your H.

Try and gain funds in your own name that he has no access to.

Basically very carefully plot to leave this man as soon as you can without risking being separated from your DD.

He really is horrible

Just book the appointment for your daughter and don't discuss it any further. Her health is worth so much more than £280

The implied background here is that we could probably get a referral on the NHS. Maybe he is right that this is more sensible. It's just that we already have this relationship in place with the private doctor, it's the last step in the process and we can very easily afford it

You can easily afford it so why wait for the NHS referral, this is for your daughter and her health!

Don't doubt yourself, your husband is putting money before your daughter.

How much was the bill for the dinner in your opening post?

I am not sure how much the bill was. Probably around 30 euros, maybe less.

Okay the meal was cheap, maybe I should have said holiday
The point I was trying to make was that he probably doesn't mind spending that kind of money on things he likes but when it comes to his daughters health it is too much as it can be done for free.
Not many parents would prioritise saving money over their child's health.

Hope it makes sense. You are not unreasonable, he is.
Make the appointment.

He actually is very cheap in all ways. He's not a hypocrite at least.

A bottle is usually 9 units. You’d have one bottle over 3 nights, so that’s 3 units per night on each of those three nights. Two bottles a week is 18 units

Cheap or not, I really hope you will put your foot down on this.

My DS suffered with really bad eczema when he was a toddler, allergy testing and a subsequent diet started his recovery.

HiHoToffee

Fortunately DD just has one small issue to be resolved. No eczema, just ruling out a final allergen.

Sounds like a stressful time you had!

It was stressfull but he is 16 now and has outgrown most of the allergies and rarely has an eczema flare up.

But I really have no words for your husband refusing to pay for the tests and after reading your update on the other thread I really feel sorry for you and DD, you deserve better

The man is intolerable OP and is just messing with your head. Seems to me one of the reasons he is going to counselling is to get ammunition to further hurt and abuse you.

How much longer do you need to wait until you are no longer dependent on your husband re residency?

ThisIsNotMyRealName1
He is mostly going to counseling because I insisted. He thinks we have simple problems that will be resolved in a few sessions. It does seem likely that he will take what he can from the counseling and use it against me.

I have a little less than a year left.

My general idea is that I may have to gray rock. It is depressing to feel that I may have to give up the relationship. I am also not sure whether I can stand just rolling over and tolerating this behaviour for a year - but I don't feel I have a real choice.

"I have also been ignoring DH more. He seems to feel bad (who knows how long that will last) and is being extra nice to me."

Abusers aren't always abusive. When they feel you are about to leave, they turn nice to reel you back in.

"feel he is punishing me for saying in the counseling session that he should compromise more"

That's why couple counselling when there is abusive is dangerous, they use what is said as a stick to beat you with.

"I do not want a divorce if it can be avoided."

Which is why your Mother has no more advice other than, learn to live with it.

"Everyday is misery with this man".

Your choosing this life.

Counselling isn't going to change him. He needs a psychotherapist, at the very least.

He knows that you have had enough, so no, your frame of mind will be blamed on your drinking. So will his need for at least 50/50, if not resedency of your DD.