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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 05/10/2018 20:12

As someone who has recently retired (no grandchildren yet) I am absolutely amazed at some of the responses on here! No I don't think I would have the energy to look after small children full time, however you are only asking for occasional help.

If you were my neighbour I would be happy to help one afternoon a week collecting them from school simply because I like children. Surely your mum can't be tied up every single day?

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2018 20:14

But frankly if she is not prepared to make herself useful...

I know where I'd tell you to go if you were my DD.

And I do help out with all my DGD - lots.

But for so many of you it seems to be that if they don't help you they can whistle when they get into their dotage. Good job that wasn't their attitude when you were growing up. When does it get to be their time.

So many have to look after very elderly parents and help out with their DGC even after bringing up their own children and working. It's an expectation and it's not fair.

valsmey · 05/10/2018 20:17

She's raised hers

Your children are not her obligation

There is no should about it

Does your DH have the same expectations of his dad? Your dad? Or is he not as sexist and entitled as your OP makes it sound?

Itsnotmesothere · 05/10/2018 20:19

OP. You said she offers to have them for the weekend. You say you are exhausted. Take her up on it! A partially child-free weekend is great for recharging your batteries!

SleightOfMind · 05/10/2018 20:19

My DM lives five minutes walk from us and has never picked the DC up from school (we have four and both work).

We asked her once (six years ago) during a medical emergency and the drama was incredible. She was still half an hour late.

She also would like to drop round whenever she fancies (at suppertime, to eat and moan at me) but I ignore her texts and have her around once a fortnightish, when I feel up to it.)
Mine was vile to me when I was a child though so your situation may need more tempering. The same principle applies though:
Of course it’s her choice to not to get down and dirty with you and the GDCs, when she’s clearly aware you need a bit of help.

It hurts though and, I find myself naturally distancing myself from people I find upsetting.

I’d suggest redrawing your boundaries and stop facilitating her coming over and playing granny when it suits her.

Perfectly1mperfect · 05/10/2018 20:23

In an ideal world of course it's nice if they do. It's the idea of their being automatically duty-bound to do so that I'm objecting to

But I don't think anyone is saying they are duty bound. They just don't understand how they genuinely wouldn't want to help sometimes.

For example i have a lovely friend, if I can do anything to help her out I will. I don't do it through any sense of duty. I do it because I love her, I want her to be happy and if I can make her life easier I actually want to. I like spending time with her and I want her children to be a part of my life as they are an extension of my friend. I suppose i think a grandparent would be similar.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 05/10/2018 20:24

YABU. Simple.

Actually, it’s your DH who’s U.

The “should” in your OP is pretty obnoxious.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 05/10/2018 20:35

I think some PP are missing the point. If my parents are a bit cold and unloving to me, when I am going through the difficult early years of child-rearing (which is frequently accompanied by maternal ill health) and they hold back the occasional help/presence they could give --- well, big surprise, there's a bit of natural love and bonding that is therefore lost. It's that bonding that means the adult child can't bear to see the elderly parent lonely or in need.

So fast forward to when my dad was getting older/ ill - I was by his side as often as I could be. I couldn't bear not to be. My mum - I go to see her out of duty, but there is not the same draw, the same emotional pull.

People are insane if they think they can treat their children so coldly, and then receive their undying gratitude and devotion for the 30 years that old age now means.

My mum is a busy retired person-I get that and am proud of her. But I know that she expects to put her own interests before her family, then she expects me to put her before my own family/interests.

Feel free to take bets on how that will work out for her...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/10/2018 20:35

Some people are reading it all wrong. It’s not a tit for tat business transaction, looking after aging parents because they did some childcarez. The grandparents wanting to look after grandchildren children do it out of love not duty, and the same applies to people looking after their elderly parents. Most do it out of love because they recognise the important role they’ve played in the wider family and just, well, love that person!

My mum visited her own mum in the nursing home for years and did it purely out of duty. there was no bond or love. Her dad was the one who had done all the parenting and bonding. Her mum wasn’t very a very emotional or giving person with her kids. she didn’t help my mum out much when my sister and I were tiny babies but her own sister (mum’s auntie) did because she was just a kinder more generous person with a lot of empathy for a young mother stuck at home with a screaming newborn. For that reason my mum had a good relationship with her auntie into her old age and chose to be quite involved in her elderly life because she WANTED to.

No tit for tat cold duty-bound business transaction. Just a better bond through more interaction and closeness over the years.

choli · 05/10/2018 20:53

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking
Nobody’s obliged to help out their own children by spending time with their own grandchildren, but anyone who doesn’t is a bit of a dick and shouldn’t expect too much rushing around on their behalf if they find themselves in need in their later years. HTH.

Don't worry, if there is an inheritance they will be all over their mother/grandmother in her twilight years whether or not she provided free childcare.

jacks11 · 05/10/2018 20:57

The grandparents wanting to look after grandchildren children do it out of love not duty, and the same applies to people looking after their elderly parents. Most do it out of love because they recognise the important role they’ve played in the wider family and just, well, love that person!

Ok, but I actually want my mum to enjoy her retirement and make the most of it whilst she is in good health (and before my father's health deteriorates further). Because I love her and appreciate everything she has done for me throughout my life. She does help with childcare, as it happens- but if she couldn't, I wouldn't view it as being "cold" or "uncaring". It may be she just wants to take some time for herself, to do what she wants for a while. And because I love her, I want mum to be able to do the things that make HER happy after putting everyone else first for long enough.

Now clearly, some people feel differently.
If you view not wanting to provide regular childcare as meaning the don't love their grandchildren, then I think you are wrong. It may be the case. But it wasn't the case with my grandparents and we had a very strong, loving relationship with them without them being at my mum's beck and call for childcare.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/10/2018 21:29

Don't worry, if there is an inheritance they will be all over their mother/grandmother in her twilight years whether or not she provided free childcare.

Well quite, choli. Either that or they'll be on here whining that the "family home" is up for sale because of care fees. Also, why is looking after grandchildren all dressed up as "spending time" with them? Like you're doing the GP a massive favour by wanting them to have the kids when it's actually the other way round.

choli · 05/10/2018 21:34

@SpitefulMidLifeAnimal
Yes, spending time with the grandchildren doesn't count if you are not also making life more convenient for the parents. Just visiting isn't good enough.

Perfectly1mperfect · 05/10/2018 21:40

Don't worry, if there is an inheritance they will be all over their mother/grandmother in her twilight years whether or not she provided free childcare.

I don't think I have ever used bad language on here but I will make an exception for this.

How fucking vile. You don't know anyone's circumstances. I can assure you I will never be 'all over' my mother or father. Maybe you are projecting your own shit values and prnciples on to others.

choli · 05/10/2018 21:55

@Perfectly1mperfect

I obviously touched a nerve there!

Perfectly1mperfect · 05/10/2018 21:57

choli

Oh do fuck off. Can you not actually imagine that some peoples parents are actually not nice people.

Rosered1235 · 05/10/2018 22:01

Let’s get this straight. Your mother would like to look after her grandkids on the weekend - presumably overnight. But this isn’t helpful to you because you work and so the weekends with your kids are precious.

Your mother won’t have the kids on a weekday or after school, which is when you actually need the help.

Your mother drops round unannounced at her convenience all the time.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable!! I can’t believe other posters who think you are actually. How is it unreasonable to expect your own mother to help? Especially when she does want to look after the grandkids!

OP, I would set some limits to your mother’s inconvenient dropping by on your days off. Explain that you’re going to be busy and ask her to call in advance first so that you can arrange some time for her visit.

woodywoo2 · 05/10/2018 22:08

My DM helps me out with childcare and enjoys doing it.

I will be doing the same and helping look after my GC when the time comes.

I will also be looking after my DM in old age.

Families are supposed to support each other!

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 22:12

I'm at a loss with this thread! There is nothing wrong with asking or receiving or giving help regarding childcare for DGC. No one wants to be an unpaid and unappreciated skivvy but helping your adult children is a kind thing to do! My parents did raise me obviously then helped me with my children. My adult children and I are now helping them, all the time. I suppose it is a sort of transaction but one borne of human decency and kindness.

If Granny wants only to cuddle the DGC once in a while and never, ever, ever provide any care how does she build a strong enough bond? My kids love my parents deeply and drive them to appointments and spend a lot of free time with them, as do I. One of my sons recently did all the night shifts sitting beside my Dad when he was in hospital, taking him back and forth to the toilet about 20 times throughout the night.

The nurses were in awe of my son. There were a lot of old and sick people on the ward who were alone but my Dad wasn't alone for one second. That's what you get for having gone over and above.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/10/2018 22:23

How is it unreasonable to expect your own mother to help?

It isn't unreasonable to want your mother to help. It isn't unreasonable to ask her to help. But expecting her to help is unreasonable. Why would you expect this? Why would you think it was a given?

If Granny wants only to cuddle the DGC once in a while and never, ever, ever provide any care how does she build a strong enough bond?

A strong enough bond for what exactly? I loved my nanna and she never looked after me alone.

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 22:25

spitefulmidlife what did your Granny do with you, did she only ever see you in the company of your parents?

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/10/2018 22:27

Yes thigh, that's right. No sleepovers, school pick ups, nothing like that but I still loved her.

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 22:30

A strong enough bond for willing daily company and care is my answer.

jacks11 · 05/10/2018 22:31

If Granny wants only to cuddle the DGC once in a while and never, ever, ever provide any care how does she build a strong enough bond?

Granny does not have provide childcare at the parents convenience in order to bond with a child. We saw my grandmother about 3, sometimes 4, weeks per year. They lived over 3 1/2 hours drive away (much of it on single track country roads) and did little routine childcare. We did visit for 2, sometimes 3 weeks during the summer and again in the october break some years. They had livestock so just dropping everything, even in an emergency, wasn't always possible. I had an incredibly close and loving relationship with my grandparents. I knew I was loved by them, they were wonderful grandparents. So you can build a relationship without doing regular childcare to assist their parents. You can build a relationship by "popping in" and having them to stay at the weekend. It doesn't have to be routine childcare.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/10/2018 22:34

See, I did that right up to the end of her life. All of us did. Her lack of childcare provision had no effect on that at all.