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Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 05/10/2018 00:30

This is manipulative, controlling behaviour, and quite unhealthy

Oh come off it, don't be ridiculous. Controlling? Because she's happy to have the DC for the odd weekend but is unable to commit to a regular slot? FFS.

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 00:39

It's a shame that family don't want to help each other out, just to be kind. My parents helped me a lot with my kids and I have always helped them a lot. Now that my DC are older i don't need any help but my parents need an enormous amount. One of my adult sons regularly and willingly goes to stay with them to hang out with them and do everything they now struggle with. I'm actually doing just as much parent care now as they did child care for me. I do it not because I am obliged but because I care about them which is the same reason they built relationships with my kids and helped me.

What would i say to them "my time is my own I'm not old yet"? It's a horrible attitude not to be helpful to family.

seventhgonickname · 05/10/2018 00:40

You quite like your mum popping in,having your kids for the odd weekend and would probably be more relaxed about her not having them after school if your DH hadn't put his oar in.I think that is your problem.
Enjoy the times you have with your mum.
Defiantly don't become like some if the bitter mums on here who forget about the years there parents cared for then,then expect them to look after their kids too and if they don't say the won't help them when they get old if they dare to have a life if their own.

Fillipe · 05/10/2018 01:11

crumble, I noticed you said you miss having a parent I can rely on. Does this mean your mum used to help out but now doesn't for some reason?

Havaina · 05/10/2018 06:16

I don't understand how some of you correlate helping an elderly parent out with what they do to help you with your own kids. If you were brought up with love, fed, clothed, and helped and nurtured by your own parents, don't you think that helping them out when they are older repays that a bit?

In OP's case, her mum raised her for 18 years, but expects OP and her husband to help her for, what, 30-40 years, of jobs around the house, and to have her grandchildren on weekends (when OP and her DH want to see their own kids!). And DM will grow older and more frail and expect more help.

Now is the time DM should help OP with emergency childcare, when she is relatively young and fit.

And what is up wanting the grandchildren on weekends, when she is free during the week and in half term and holidays? There is somethimg odd about that, like the DM only wants the kids so they're not with their parents. OP, next time your DM asks for a weekend, ask her why!

AddictedToTea · 05/10/2018 06:54

OP, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine not wanting to help out my DC when they’re older (within reason!) I’m not going to stop being their mum when they hit 18. Personally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope for a little help from healthy, local grandparents. It takes a village and all that. My parents live 3 hours away and they still help out as much as they can when they visit because they enjoy it. I’m sorry your DM doesn’t feel the same.

MissusGeneHunt · 05/10/2018 07:26

OP, have you asked her why she's reluctant? Sorry, might have missed it.

I'm lucky, my grandmother helped my DM and my DM has helped me with DS, massively. But people are what they are, and we kinda have to just live with that.

Justadistanthummm · 05/10/2018 07:46

choli...'' At my daughters school most days grandparents pick up as standard except hers. Because she's having her 'hair done 'or 'going to some lunch' with someone.

The nerve of her having a life!''

NOPE. It's not the nerve of having a life. How ridiculous. It's the sulking that she hardly sees her grandchildren when she could, and they don't really want to see her as there's no bond there, yet she makes no effort because her priorities are doing these things instead.

HSMMaCM · 05/10/2018 07:50

I meet a lot of grandparents who look after their grandchildren. Some of them are loving it and some of them are absolutely shattered and wish they'd never offered, but don't feel they can back out now. One even offered to pay me to have her grandchild a couple of days a week, but her mum refused.

It's lovely when grandparents help out, but please don't take them for granted. They might be too nice to tell you it's getting too much.

bringincrazyback · 05/10/2018 08:51

It takes a village and all that.

True, but in my experience a lot of people who say 'it takes a village to raise a child' really mean they expect the village to raise their child for them.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 05/10/2018 08:56

Nobody’s obliged to help out their own children by spending time with their own grandchildren, but anyone who doesn’t is a bit of a dick and shouldn’t expect too much rushing around on their behalf if they find themselves in need in their later years. HTH.

expatinspain · 05/10/2018 09:02

On here everyone is going to say 'she's done her bit with you', 'they're your children' etc etc. However, in the majority of cultures the world over, grandparents help to raise their grandchildren. I was brought up by my great grandparents and also spent lots of school holidays etc with my grandparents and I had a very close bond with all of them. When my DD has kids, I will help as much as
I am able. In my opinion this is what being a family is all about.

NationalShiteDay · 05/10/2018 09:15

This thread is so depressing.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all. If you think you've got a good relationship with your mum, but she won't help you out when you need it, even if you give her 6 weeks notice, well that's a bit shot really isn't it.

Also this God even in absolute emergencies (to quote above, you had no childcare, your ceiling had fallen in, your DH was working away, and you'd broken both your legs etc) I'd help a neighbour or loose acquintance as it's the decent thing to do. I'd be pissed off if my own mother didn't give enough of a shit about me or the kids to help under these circumstances

I've got 2 DC including a newborn. I'm REALLY struggling, I didn't ask to struggle. I've got PND. My mum comes round once a week for a couple of hours to help out. I greatly appreciate it and know she'd do more but she's juggling all sorts of other things. She looks tired. I think I'll stop asking for her help, pretend everything is fine, as clearly I'm being very unreasonable to ask for help from a parent when I need it.

Branleuse · 05/10/2018 09:24

I think its a tricky one. My mum helps out with the children a lot and as a result has a really close relationship with them.
my ex MIL on the other hand was very clear that she had done her childrearing days and would not be babysitting etc, and just saw ds1 when exh took him there.
As a result I honestly dont think ds1 would notice if she lived or died.

I think with children, you get out what you put in. If the grandparents dont want to help, then thats a massive pain for you, and they should not expect to have a strong relationship with their grandkids

I spent loads of time with my grandparents as a child. I loved them so much. I would go on holidays with them, they would look after me.
I feel sad for people who dont have that

headinhands · 05/10/2018 10:28

I think this is your dh's doing. Explain you respect your mums right to not have set arrangements. He has a problem with women not shouldering childcare and choosing not to dedicating themselves to their extended family. I'm curious if there are other ways he's sexist?

Lizzie48 · 05/10/2018 10:48

We don't have help from GPs, as my MIL lives too far away and I'm low contact with my DM and don't trust her with my DDs. (We do have her visit us occasionally but if we involve her more than that she invariably oversteps the mark.)

In addition, they're also both in their late 70s, so wouldn't be able to cope with 2 very lively DDs of 9 and 6 on a regular basis.

I'm content not having help, we chose to adopt our DDs, so they're our responsibility.

OTOH, I can understand why you're frustrated. It's also curious that your DM is prepared to have your DC for the weekend but doesn't want to very occasionally pick them up from school.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/10/2018 11:42

It does hurt when you realise that a parent doesn't want to help and that you're a lower priority for them than other things. Lots of parents do want to help their adult children, enjoy helping with grandchildren or generally just being around.

Of course there's lots of other factors involved in whether a parent can help. We have the situation where parents help one sibling significantly affecting their availability to see other grandchildren. We live a long way away though, which impacts too. Better just not to dwell on it.

thighofrelief · 05/10/2018 12:09

I don't understand the attitudes on MN sometimes it's depressing, are we all these perfect islands of self sufficiency. What could be lovelier than building a bond with grandchildren then pissing off home for a good night's sleep.

teaandtoast · 05/10/2018 13:24

I finished my school runs 2 years ago (sixth form, too far to walk, buses always running late). There's no way I'm going to start doing them again, in say 5 years' time, if one of my dc were to have a dc soon. My dc asking for help over the school holidays or short term emergencies would be fine, I think, but not the ongoing weekly commitment to the school run/after school care.

I'm hoping dh and I can have a bit of freedom while we still have reasonable health. I'm conscious my dad died when he was only 6 years older than I am now.

user1457017537 · 05/10/2018 14:06

teaandtoast I completely agree with you and you cannot take good health for granted

Yokohamajojo · 05/10/2018 14:35

I don't think you are U at all! you would help a friend out with notice wouldn't you so why on earth wouldn't you help out with your own family!

We don't have any GPs nearby, my dad is in another country and too old anyway and DHs are a flight away even if in the same country. We can still rely on them though so if they are not away (they are typical busy retirees) and we give them notice they would fly over to look after their GCs in a half term for instance because we don't see enough of each other and they love spending time with them

choli · 05/10/2018 14:40

bringincrazyback Spot on.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 05/10/2018 15:03

I don't get the argument that OP decided to have kids, so OP should not feel entitled to help from her DM.

Did anyone think about the fact that OP's DM decided to have OP? Did the DM's duty of care and love to her own child only last up until the point that OP had her baby?

flirtygirl · 05/10/2018 15:08

I think the people who have said that the op is bu are the future grandparents who will never help, no matter what.

Op has been clear that she would appreciate help in a few select situations over the year, where she would have given her mother lots of notice.

No wonder she has a little resentment building, that's only natural. It's as natural as loving someone and wanting to help them and she wishes her mother would want to the help her.

The people saying op should not expect it are right, no one should expect it. But it is part of being in a family, to help each other out when able to, in all stages of life.

The people on this thread who don't see it this way will probably be very lonely when they get old.

choli · 05/10/2018 16:15

The people on this thread who don't see it this way will probably be very lonely when they get old.
My mother never babysat or provided childcare for any of her grandchildren. She did not have a lonely old age and was very well taken care of up to her death at 90.

We did not base or love and caring for her on the level of free childcare provided.