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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in Saying Cancer isn't a Battle That You Win or Lose

270 replies

NicePieceOfPlaid · 04/10/2018 08:23

I heard this morning that the mother of a young friend died over night. She'd had cancer for a while but had not responded to treatment.

Friend has posted a brief message on facebook to let friends know. Among the first messages is one saying that the person is sorry she lost her battle. Cancer isn't a fight or a battle. You can't buy a gun and shoot it.

Sometimes the treatment works and sometimes it doesn't. I had cancer and so far the treatment has worked for me. If it comes back I'm not going to blame myself for not fighting hard enough.

It's down to luck. If you die from cancer it wasn't because you were too weak to fight it. It really gives me the rage when it's talked of as a battle. I no longer give to charities who address it in that way.

Why make terminally ill people feel even worse by implying they haven't fought hard enough?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 11:43

YeTalkShite has indeed been very supportive and respectful

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:44

I understand fine what it means, it’s why I chose that particular work.

I don’t deny that there are many, many people working extremely hard to find ways to cure cancer, and that is admirable.

However, you were asked, many times, by TwitterQueen to stop, and you chose not to.

What you get out of it is anyone’s guess. But it doesn’t do you any favours at all.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:44

Word not work.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:45

Thank you Namechanged

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:45

Namechange not changed. Stupid fingers!

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 11:46

You do understand the purpose of AIBU I take it? Why should someone go away just because they don’t share your opinion?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 05/10/2018 11:47

YANBU. I know very few people who actually have cancer and like the "fighting" talk. And some of the ones who do seem to be somewhat narcissistic and believe they have some special quality that makes them better at cancer-fighting than the rest of us weaklings Hmm

If there's any fighting going on it's nowt to do with me. I turn up and do what I'm told by the medical folks and they fill me with poison to keep the cancer at bay a bit longer. I'm just the battleground.

I'm not sure why cancer seems to have been singled out for this kind of rhetoric. There are lots of other horrible diseases too. Maybe because it's so common. And Nixon's "war on cancer", of course.

If anyone here has cancer and wants to chat with others who don't like fighting talk then there's a whole bunch of us over on the support thread :)

claraschu · 05/10/2018 11:48

I also think it is terribly wrong to think that people who are not bravely making the most of life, (and generally behaving in a way that is easier for their families and friends and doctors to cope with) are somehow less admirable than the "brave fighters".

I hate this attitude towards people who are ill.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:49

Why should someone go away just because they don’t share your opinion?

When someone who has cancer repeatedly asks you not to target them specifically with your opinions, it is the decent thing to do to respect that.

Using AIBU as an excuse to attack someone is pretty low.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 11:50

I didn’t target her specifically... I replied when she tagged me.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 11:51

And I didn’t attack anyone... I would say you have repeatedly attacked me though. It’s not ‘attacking’ to have a different view.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 11:51

I’m not feeding you any more MaryPoppins, it’s all written down in black and white on the thread and I’m sure posters can reach their own conclusions.

I stand by saying that you have treated TwitterQueen very unfairly and have bullied her.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 05/10/2018 12:00

claraschu that's a very good point. Sometimes people feel pressured to have treatment that might not provide much benefit, and makes them feel awful for their remaining time, because otherwise they feel they aren't fighting hard enough. Especially when other family members are really keen for them to "keep fighting". Someone I know declined further treatment, and a mutual friend commented (not to the one declining treatment, I hope, but to others) that she was "disappointed" in her Hmm

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 12:02

Get a grip hen, I’ve said nothing bad. You just don’t agree with me. Maybe calm down a little bit.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 12:06

that she was "disappointed" in her hmm

Seriously? That’s unbelievable

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 12:08

My brother said similar to our Mum when she decided not to take the treatment offered when her cancer returned.

It’s the closest I’ve ever come to actually hitting someone.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 05/10/2018 12:13

Flowers YeTalkShiteHen

Yes, seriously namechange. I can understand her being upset. But it's not a decision someone takes lightly. And to then tell others you're disappointed is a bit twatty, in my opinion Angry

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 12:17

But it's not a decision someone takes lightly. And to then tell others you're disappointed is a bit twatty, in my opinion

Couldn’t agree more.

TheWormThatTurned · 05/10/2018 12:20

My 5 year old has a rare type of brain tumour for which there is no treatment. She's almost certainly going to 'lose' her battle and yet she's the bravest person I know. There's no winning or losing, that phrase is ridiculous.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 12:21

TheWormThatTurned Flowers

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 12:22

It’s the closest I’ve ever come to actually hitting someone

I don’t condone violence but I think I might have got a bit closer than you did...

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 12:25

Namechangeforthiscancershit I’m not proud of this, but honestly? If my Mum hadn’t been in the room, in absolute bits, I think I probably would have. I couldn’t do it to her. I now have absolutely no contact with my brother at all.

user1484424013 · 05/10/2018 12:26

My husband has advanced stage cancer. He said " I am in for the fight of my life and fuck It I'm fighting it"

Find your post offensive myself. If my husband with actual cancer wants to call it a fight. Well fuck it.

Plus it's a fight to be a carer and look after 2 daughter's at school and a baby who has spent the best part on her first 10 months with her daddy with cancer. It is a fight.

As someone living this and seeing this maybe you should not post such bullshit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2018 12:32

Did you notice the OP has had cancer herself, user? Or did you not?
I'm sorry for your family and your DH - most people have said that people who choose to use the fight analogy, it's their choice and that's fine.
Most people have also said that many people with cancer do not like it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2018 12:38

The fight analogy is really helpful for some people early on, or if their cancer remains curable (which obviously is no guarantee but gives you something to “fight” for).

It becomes a lot less helpful when there is nothing left to do, or if people are diagnosed at a point where there is no prospect of recovery. Someone described that really well in the context of her mother.

The vast majority of the posters on this thread have or have had “actual cancer” so there is no need to be quite so offended. A lot of us may be fighting for more months/years, or fighting to hold down our jobs, care for our families etc but a lot of us don’t have the opportunity to fight for recovery.

I find the treatment no “fight” at all. You sit in a nice room with nice people then you feel horrible and then you pick yourself up and do it again a few weeks later. Forcing myself to walk into a room where someone has scan results for me THAT is a fight.