Honest opinions- is it petty to take back a cot ?!

[Yelsgirl]

So I’m 33 weeks pregnant
Partner walked out on me suddenly at 26 weeks
We had babies nursery all ready it’s gorgeous - ex partners mum bought the cot and she has now asked for it back so it can stay at her house.

What do people think of this ?
I’m shocked as I was under impression it was a gift for her grandchild.
I have offered to give her the money so I don’t have to have the stress of removing that one and getting a new one - but she wants that cot as it was on offer.
Unsure if I think this is ridiculous cause I’m hormonal or because it is ridiculous

Give it back and then (assuming you have facebook) post and ask if anyone has a cot that you can use as Jane Doe has decided to take her grandchilds cot away. Fight petty with petty, and make your friends aware of what you are dealing with. Support sometimes comes from surprising places, take all that you can get.

Don't give it back. What kind of woman would take something from their own grandchild to be so petty? Tell her to buy a travel cot for when your child stays in her house and explain that a big cot isn't needed as it won't be used that much.

You shouldn’t have to, but I doubt if she’s as petty and unpleasant as she sounds she’s gonna take no for an answer and you don’t want to get pulled into a battle over a cot.
So tell her to collect it, or get a man with a van to come and collect it, at her expense, if you don’t want them in your home.
I’d also be explaining how disappointed you are and clearly outline hers son behaviour and it’s impact on you and your high risk pregnancy. You don’t know what he’s told her.

I didn't breastfeed and there is no way I would have had my baby away from me overnight. ILs took DS out for a few hours at a couple of months old and I was climbing the walls and needed him back.

Don't underestimate attachment and the baby's need for it with a primary carer. Not forming that properly will cause issues long term, there is a lot of research on this now.

Definitely don't put him on the BC and definitely give the baby your name.

She has no right to ask for it, but I’d give it back too, on the understanding that her son replaced it.

I would give it to her - minus a couple of crucial screws! But then, I am evil.

I'd do this!

I'd just let her have it or you'll never hear the end of it. Baby certainly wouldn't be doing any overnighters though!

It’s incredibly petty of her.

If you can afford a new one I’d buy one and tell her you will leave hers outside at x time on x day for her to collect. If not I would tell her you will return the gift when you can afford to replace it. Apart from that I would not engage further, block her if necessary. Questions of parental visits and overnights for the baby’s father should be strictly between you and him, don’t bring third parties into it.

Whatever else you do, make sure the father is included on the birth certificate. He is not a good father so far but he IS the father and your child has a right to know him and spend time with him. The child is also entitled to financial support from him and leaving him off the BC might complicate that.

Hospitals label newborns with their mother's name, because that's the patient the newborn is attached to. What use would the father's name be to the hospital?

OP I like the suggestion that the MIL can take her cot away after her son has bought and assembled a new cot to replace it.

Dont know where you are based but if you are local and need help setting up the new cot then more than happy to help. Dont know why people are so petty and cant see they are shooting themselves in the foot.

Yelsgirl

"I think she wants it as my ex has moved back in with her - so ‘ they want it for theres’" I am pretty sure there will be no obligation for your child to stay anywhere without you. So the cot can sit empty.

I said before to keep it but now I think I would suggest, if you have got the money, that you buy a new one and ask a friend to put the cot together for you.

"I’m at a lost end because I even offered the money and now I feel completely deflated- not only because I am shocked she is being so cruel- at the minute I’m a high risk pregnancy, having growth scans every week and my mum passed away a couple of years ago so I’m struggling abit which she knows."

So sorry about your mum and so sorry that this woman is being a bitch. Think long and hard about how much you want her to be involved in your child's life.

Please do tell her that you are shocked she isn’t being more supportive. What do you mean by "I’m getting the constant ‘ the baby will be fine to stop out after a few weeks’" Is she calling, texting or telling you in person. Just be very clear whether your baby spends time away from you or not will be up to you.

Good to breast feed as that will mean baby will need to keep close.

Really sorry you are going through all of this - agree with everyone else that you should agree to the cot being moved but buy a cheaper one first so that your ex can put it up once he has taken apart 'their' one.

I am also sorry she doesn't see any need to be supportive to you, likely as not your ex has given a very different story to her about why you split up.

Agree you should try to get some more formal advice on their rights. I think once the baby is born and reality kicks in they will probably be a lot less keen to have a new baby sleeping over at the house, but don't get them into battle mode by saying now the baby wont be going to their house - it can probably just evolve once baby is born and they cant (I hope) force you to be parted from your new baby, even for a couple of hours - they will probably have to visit the baby at your house?

Is it worth using this as an opportunity for looking into other cot options that you could put in your bedroom rather than one in a nursery - it will be really tiring getting up and going to a different room possibly a couple of times during the night?

Oh yes, I would be taking great pleasure in letting her know she won't need the cot for her place as baby will not be staying there. Nicely bright and breezy ought to do it!

'Hi MiL! Sorry, I didn't think you'd want it back as baby won't be staying away from my house for the foreseeable future. I'd hate it to just sit gathering dust at your house, but if you still want it back for whatever reason, just send ex-partner's name round to disassemble it and take it away. Just make sure he brings another one to replace it. I'll be in touch with you both at some point after the baby arrives to let you know how we are! Take care!'

Looks like MiL has gotten all our dander up!

Form the posse 😤.

"Me and ex partner were getting on better terms to co parent and he was being helpful regarding baby stuff and this has pushed it all back now because I’m shocked he is letting his mum behave this way."

Make sure your ex knows his mum is jeopardizing the good working relationship you had.

If she takes it back, she dismantles and collects it.

Do not give the baby his surname, even if you get back together. Blackoutblinds although a surname may not give or take away any legal rights for a person I personally do not think a woman should give a child a surname that she does not share. It is just complicated and an unpleasant reminder that man she had the baby with is no longer her partner.

But I agree that the OP should take legal advice.

I'd think about whether or not to put his name on birth certificate. You can register baby alone. He has dumped you at 26 weeks pregnant, were you happy for the relationship to end. He sounds fickle and really not necessarily a good person to have in your life. He is your baby's dad so normally I would think that it is good for baby to know dad but I would be worried this may be driven by his mum.

BuntyII "Why do people think that only breastfeeding mums want to be near their baby? I couldn't breastfeed and still wouldn't be parted from my baby." It's not that at all, of course most new mums are heartbroken to be separated from their baby. It's just another thing the mum can do and dad cannot do. OP will decide what is best and of course not all new mums can breastfeed but still want to be close to their baby.

I think what makes this worse is that MIL was once a new mother herself!!

Disgusting woman!!!

Babies should not be separated from the primary caregiver which means that you should be present at access visits

It is stressful and damaging for baby to be away from the primary care giver

No. It really isn't. I hate this kind of misinformation. Noone should have to be away from their baby if they don't want to but no need to be overly dramatic as some kind of justification.

This is from an Aussie website. It cities research that should be available in the UK if you want to use it
I can't find where it cites the research @uncreative. Can you direct me to it.

Personally, I'd just give it back. Sure, she may not ever get to use it but why prolong the drama? Just be done with it. Focus on YOU and your baby OP. Don't borrow problems. Just look ahead. You'll both be fine, I'm sure.

Crikey I missed it about your own mother, I really hope you have your own little support network in real life.

What’s important here, is that your high risk pregnancy doesn’t become even more so. I feel so sorry for your situation but really what a pair of selfish gits they are. If she’s prepared to come and take down/remove it, then you could let her have it back. However, as a gift, you don’t HAVE to return it. I’m utterly astonished that your partner and his mother would behave this way, no matter what’s happened between the two of you.

What other practical/emotional support do you have, OP? Gather it around you now.

TheStopAndChat actually there are a lot of studies now that show infant neurological development and attachement to the primary caregiver. If this development doesn't happen, it does cause life long issues as this cannot be formed later on. Obviously it doesn't mean a couple hours away from mum every so often but studies are showing that this is a big issue now. Baby should not be away from mum for too long. Dad chose to leave, he doesn't get to demand equal access and overnight stays.

We’re talking about an infant. Not a baby/toddler. I’d tell him that he can visit but no, no overnight stays. A baby is not a toy.

Give it back - I agree with all the others that you really don't want that kind of crap in your house. Better to have a cheaper cot that's full of love than end up thinking of her every time you are in the baby's room.
I also agree with PPs that you should stop communicating with her now.
I'd arrange for the cot to be collected and then send her a text saying as you are now separated, she should arrange her contact with the baby through her son during his access time . She will not arranging any contact through you. And then block.
You don't need this kind of shit in your life.
Focus on your lovely new arrival!

@thestopandchat, there is a lot of research available to support this. The keywords in with a literature search or even a google search are ‘neurological attachment’ and ‘primary caregiver’.

If you cut and paste ‘At about two years of age children can tolerate up to only one night away, two times a week (not in succession) from the primary carer‘ you will get links to legal documents that show that this argument is being used (and accepted) in courts in a number of different countries.

Thankyou so much for everyone’s replies- you’ve made me feel slightly better !

Any contact she’s had with me was over text- I think I’m most upset cause because I offered her the money and she said no. For me this is where the pettiness came in.

My dad bought the pram/car seat - it wouldn’t even occur to me to say the father can’t use it. Mainly also because my dad ( the calmest man ever ) would tell me to pack it in!!
My dad is a good support- however he is very calm and collected

I’m under the enhanced midwife team- we have agreed I’ll be alone in my section with the midwife I was assigned to. It isn’t ideal but she’s lovely and I’m sure they’ll take good care of me.

My ex p and I were getting on a lot better as I said ( not to get back together I can never see that now ) but I was happy in the fact he was being supportive. This whole cot issue has thrown it back to square one- he said I’m taking it too personally she did buy it. And then this is where we got onto over night visits.

I advised him of what’s recommended and that baby won’t be stopping out for a few months but if we were civil he was welcome to stay at mine- I’m under no illusion I’ll need help. I’m also having a sections
He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court as he has a good job and I’m just a mother with mental health issues. He is saying this cause I have recently been prescribed antidepressants - I think I blocked out my mums suicide a couple of years ago and now I’m pregnant and needed her I have admittedly found it hard. But I get up everyday I look after my 3 year old ( I was pregnant with him when she passed - he has a diffeeent ( supportive) dad ) , I work 4 days a week , I pay my bills and I make sure my little boy is well cared for.

I just feel very backed into a corner and they know I have no family support. Other than my dad of course

He would not do better than you in court. No court will choose to take a baby away from its mother without a damn good reason. You are functioning well enough to look after your 3 year old and work. He is talking out of his arse. If he goes to court, he will get visitation rights. He will not get overnight access until the baby stops breastfeeding at the absolute earliest. The links and keywords I have provided give you ample evidence to have it argued that he won’t get overnights until after the baby is 2.

Do not share those links with him. Play your cards close to your chest. Make him work for access but do not deny him. You willlook reasonable in court and he will not.

I’m sorry you have to go through all of this now. Please make sure you take care of yourself and your baby as a priority.

As a PP suggested, perhaps text him to say that you have a high risk pregnancy and want to minimise stress and therefore not to contact you until the baby is born. (Shows you are putting the baby first if went to court).

He did also say he would do a lot better than me if we went to court

Actually that would make me think twice about naming him on the birth certificate, although I guess that depends on whether you want to fight for child maintenance.

Ask him quite simply "Will you be replacing it? If not, what is your baby supposed to sleep in?"