Maternity ward etiquette?

[greenfooted]

I suspect I am. On a maternity ward of four after c section two days ago. Baby opposite is a screamer. Has been doing so on and off all day . It's now 3 am. I have had no sleep. My baby wakes every time other baby screams. So is in my arms ( so I can't sleep). There are two of them with screaming baby. Aibu to think at some stage one of them should take it for a walk/ to the day room. I am on own as DH with our other kids so feeling pretty uncharitable and grumpy....even when DH was hear earlier this baby screamed through my earplugs...

I don't know how tight money is for you, but at my local nhs hospital you can rent a private amenity room. I was there two nights and it cost £60. Might be worth asking?

It’s rubbish OP I really struggled post c section trying to move and ended up in a 4 bedded bay and basically ended up feeling undignified , absolutely knackered from all the noise and my neighbours 50 visitors afternoon and night and just left to it by midwives in loads of pain after a c section ( let not start on the bad attitude towards analgesia )
I ended up having a complete melt down with the pain and sleep deprivation and was moved to a single room . I’ve never felt so dehumanised in my life though so I have a lot of empathy for you .

My baby was that screamer and I was beside myself with anxiety about disturbing the other mothers and them judging/being angry with me. I cried more than he did I think

I also had an EMCS and was pretty incapacitated but my baby only slept for 25 minutes the second night. I was on my feet rocking him for hours despite the pain because I didn't know what else to do. My husband wasn't allowed after 9pm, the nurses were busy and there was nowhere to take the baby (I actually asked if they had a secret soundproofed room I could take him to so he didn't wake everyone up!) but I just had to get on with it and apologised to the other Mums the next day

We paid for private side rooms both times.

I feel for you but there's little you can do about it.

Congratulations

Yet another thread where women are made to feel guilty for being in pain post major surgery and at the most vulnerable time of their lives because they should be thankful they have a baby . It’s no wonder women are treated they way they are post natally with those sort of attitudes around . Women are literally like empty incubators pushed to the side once they give birth . I say that as a mother of a SCBU baby .

I did 15 days on the ward from hell after DD1 was born.

She needed to go under the jaundice lights - and I had other patients and bloody ward staff complaining about "those bloody lights blaring all night and that baby crying". She was crying as she was unsettled at being stuck under the lights and not easily able to be comforted, and having a fucking blindfold goggles stuck on her head and since she HAD to be under the lights there wasn't much I could do apart from desperately try to have a hand resting on her or gently jiggle the baby fishtank cot thing to try to quieten her down a little bit.

Believe me I was very aware that she was disturbing other people, and I was also incredibly aware that "those bloody lights" were blaring away... but there was nothing I could do to stop it, I was traumatised enough from the birth and being treated appallingly by the hospital, felt totally like a powerless automaton just having to go along with everything that happened... and the judgement of the other inmates on an overnight, couple of days stay at the most really really added to how horrific it was.

It's still raw now nearly 7 years on, two courses of counselling on and a hell of a lot more water under the bridge.

I think we can all agree that it is degrading and unacceptable to be treated on mixed sex wards. In fact in 2015 the conservatives vowed to bring an end to mixed sex wards. (they haven't, the practice has soared actually)

So why we think it is acceptable to have healthy men lomping about on post natal wards fuck knows.

Wards need to be staffed with an appropriate level of midwives to assist the patients and their babies appropriately. Without male partners having to step in and care for the new mums like some kind of third world hospital where if you family doesn't bring clean sheets and food, you're fucked.

Alternatively everyone needs to be treated in private rooms.

Men who use the FOR PATIENTS only bathrooms need to have their knobs cut off though. Typical male entitlement. Fuck you and your medical needs woman, I need a shit.

I would not give birth on an NHS ward at the current time. If I wanted another child, I would need to ensure I could pay for a private delivery.

Huh, private rooms in other hospitals are cheap! The one I'm due to give birth in (St Thomas's) is £950 per night! The other 2 local hospitals (kings and lewisham) are £200 & £150.

@olderthanyouthink is the £950 a night with privately staffed care as well?

@serbska you think men are trying to get sexual thrills looking at all the post-birth women in their glorious states, with their own partners right next to them?

I was put on a routine of feeds every three hours followed by formula top-ups and pumping after an EMCS. I would not have been able to do it without my husband staying in hospital with me. I wouldn't have woken up, even with an alarm. I would have got even less sleep (sterilising pump and trying to get tiny baby to drink from a syringe takes ages).

You sound really ignorant talking about developing countries like that. I think it makes total sense to have partners in the hospital, getting to know their new children and providing support that midwives would never be able to give. I wouldn't be surprised if wards without men gave women much worse mental health outcomes.

You’re not being unreasonable per se, but it IS a busy mat unit and you can’t have a private room. It is dreadful though. I came out of hospital with DS and frankly, I was quite rabid with lack of sleep. It was awful and constant noise.

I feel so sorry for you! Congrats on your newborn 😊

@serbska yes the £950 one gets you 1:2 (I think) rather than 1:8, plus fancy food and linen and stuff.

You can go completely private at St Thomas' or NHS but there's no in between where you pay for a private room on an NHS award.

I think it is unreasonable for you to be annoyed at the other women. Totally reasonable to expect private rooms. In my hospital there was not even an option if you paid. It is completely unreasonable to have 4 newborns in the same room and expect people to recover.

@cholka obviously not, where did I say they were trying to get sexual thrills?

I'm very happy for you that your partner was able to help you.

However he shouldn't HAVE to have been there helping you. You and the baby should have been looked after by medical staff.

@cholka surely you want good care for everyone? Not just the lucky ones that have a partner who can stay and help?

We don't send people in for a hip operation then tell them if they want to get walking again they will need a partner coming into do their physio do we?

If you honestly can't see the issue at putting men on a maternity ward with women who are feeling vulnerable post birth and do not know your partner, you are in a different world.

Men have no place on maternity wards. In a private room, with their wife/partner and baby - yes. On a ward - no.

We have single sex changing rooms, single sex accommodation, you can request a female nurse/doctor.

But we impose men on women on maternity wards because the NHS finds it inconvenient to provide adequate care.

When I had my eldest almost 14 years ago it was ten bed wards. We were in for three nights as she was four weeks early.. it was torture so you have my sympathy. One would start and they would all set off each other.

With my second I was lucky to get my own room and with my third I was moved up to a ward where a baby was screaming so I told them just to prepare my notes for six hour discharge as I was absolutely fine anyway.

I can still remember the exhaustion from that shared ward so you have my sympathy.

@olderthanyouthink thanks for the info. £950 doesn't seem so bad with that staff ratio.

I think that so many hospitals are really badly set up for privacy, and not just on maternity wards, although those are a particular problem because of the babies, and of course babies cry some cry and scream more than others.

After my C-section I was put on a ward of four. Three of us had had sections and our babies were all in SCBU. Not ideal obviously, but it did mean that for those first two or three nights we actually got some sleep. The babies were all making good progress along the corridor. The other lady who joined us was in for an induction, which was proving tricky to get started. So our part of the ward was quiet, but we were lucky really.

I'm pretty glad that men staying overnight on the maternity wards was not a thing when I had my babies. I just wouldn't have felt comfortable with that at all. Not for me having another couple sleeping just a curtain's width away, especiall a snoring bloke.

OP, you have my sympathy, although I think you know it would be unreasonable to say anything to the parents of the screamer as it isn't their fault and there is often little that can be done.

Congratulations on your new baby. Just get home as soon as possible. That is really all you can do.

My DH was told off for taking ds' to the day room in the early hours of the morning. We were in with him for a week and I was struggling. Ds wouldn't settle although he was dry and fed so DH took him to the day room so I could sleep (we were in our own room) but the mw told him wasn't allowed due to safe guarding (he didn't even have TV or lights on as he didn't want to disturb anyone in the bays nextdoor)
So maybe he's not allowed.

YANBU

It beggars belief that women are expected to recover for birth and possibly surgery too in these circumstances. It is the fucking governments fault which has created an under funded and overstretched NHS.

This has hit a nerve with me today - I am booked in for a c section at a busy maternity hospital tomorrow, where I will share with four other mothers. My previous two sections (one EMCS and one ELCS) were in a quiet small hospital where I got a private room to recover and begin to bond with my baby. That hospital has just had to cut its maternity services so is no longer an option for me. DH tells me it might be good to share the experience with other women - I really don’t think he’d feel the same if he had just had major surgery and was instantly handed our newborn to care for.

Maternity etiquette? It doesn't exist.

I left just after 24 hours after a c section. I needed some rest and family and dh were able to help. It was sheer hell' no sleep (visitors rather than babies) missed meals (catheter was still in place so couldn't get up) and was told "Oh well, you've missed breakfast/lunch now" No private rooms were available
I went private for the next child, sadly not an option for everyone. Quite a difference.

In the hospital I was in you weren't allowed to carry your DC, you had to punch them around in a fishbowl on wheels, I also wasn't allowed to walk and had to be in a wheelchair for first day. Hospitals are no places to get well once you do not need medical intervention.

And for what it’s worth, DC1 was a screamer. Thank God I didn’t have to worry about her disturbing others and I had space to dance around the room with her trying to settle her. I can only think being on a shared ward will increase the stress felt by the screamer’s mother.

YANBU to be tired and fed up.

YABU to expect that something can be done about screaming newborns. Behind my curtain after my last birth was me and newborn twins. DH was at home with our eldest. My twins screamed one after the other for two days straight. The partner of the woman in the next bed was complaining all night about it. What could I do? I'd had a section and couldn't walk, there was no partner there to help me, no spare staff on the ward. Him loudly saying "FFS" as soon as one of them cried made me feel shit. From the outside everyone may have thought it was me and one baby, they may not have known there were two.

Hope you're home soon and can get some peace.

I didn't know you could pay just £100 for a private room. I was required to stay longer for observation and will happen next time as well. The lack of sleep due to other people's babies and obnoxious visitors set off my MH problems into a downward spiral of hell.

At least I know now.

You have my sympathies OP - it's grim. I concur with all of the other posters that it's sheer madness to expect anyone recovering from major surgery to then be placed in a de facto sleep depriving environment but hey ho, that is the joy that our under-funded NHS has become

There is a LOT of projection on this thread, some catty posts - I can't help wondering (I mean this very genuinely) if some of you need counselling for traumatic births as the way you're projecting onto OP is frankly vicious. Leader of the pack to @happymummy12345 for your (vile) comments which I'm not gonna repeat here as certain your post will be deleted pretty soon but really? REALLY? You either need a little help or you're just being vile (actually even if you do need post birth counselling you're stil being vile - MH issues and trauma don't give us a free pass to be vicious knobs).

Hang on in there OP and just get home as soon as you can. And congratulations, I hope you get to be able to enjoy your newborn soon