DH is obsessed with NDN’s cat

[Crazycatmanhelp]

Our neighbour’s cat has started pooing in our garden. We’re not really sure why as we’ve lived here for 2 1/2 years and it’s only started doing it in the last few months. I find it irritating but as someone who grew up with cats accept its par for the course.

Anyway my DH has become obsessed with stopping this cat from pooing in the garden. He stares at the garden waiting for the cat to make an appearance so he can run out and chase it off. He’s bought a high pitched cat deterrent thing and sprayed lemon juice on the grass, neither of which work. I caught him hammering nails into the fence the other day so the cat would injure itself when jumping up which I made him take down. He’s made himself late for work waiting for the cat so be can scare it. He talks about it every day, calls me from work to ask for updates on the cat (I’m in Mat leave).

It sounds ridiculous but his obsession with this cat is really getting me down. He is otherwise a wonderful husband and father. But I hate this nasty streak he’s showing. The glee on his face when he terrifies this poor cat is unpleasant. He’s even talked jokingly about how he’d love it to accidentally get run over by a car.

I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he doesn’t want poo in the garden for the DC to potentially step in which I understand but this behaviour still isn’t normal surely?

AIBU to be annoyed by his behaviour? What do I do?!

You can't shut my cats away as they can open the doors.
They also will quite happily sit on the fence winding up ndn dog which was driving us both mad
I use a water pistol and told ndn to do the same. She said she couldn't but I've noticed them coming in a little damp sometimes so I assume she now just shoots them with a water pistol

Shambu unfortunately there are irresponsible dog owners who don't pick up after their pets, but I'd be surprised if any of them are so irrational as to expect other people to be grateful to them for providing the manure!

I second the plastic bag idea. Cats hate the rustling.

OP, I agree with others who've said this might indicate a mental health problem. It's not normal behaviour. I developed an apparently sudden obsession with being able to hear new neighbours through the wall. They were doing nothing wrong, and I knew it was irrational but was totally unable to control my panic/fear/obsession. I ended up in hospital with severe depression and anxiety. My reaction to the noise was a final trigger, not the cause, but part of it was being unable to escape or control the situation and it sounds like your DH has some feelings like that. He sounds highly anxious. I recommend a book by Dr Claire Weekes, Self Help for your Nerves - it's old and somewhat dated but by far the best anxiety book I've read - it might help if you read it if he doesn't want to. He may not realise there is anything wrong except the cat. Also try to talk to him and if your GP is any good, to go there, or find a counsellor to talk to if he is willing. It might help just to get it all off his chest to someone he doesn't know.

Bear in mind that even if he does scare off the cat he may still be very vigilant and even afraid of it returning or another one coming along.

Obviously you need to be firm with any talk of harming the cat! But as you say this is out of character it seems more of a symptom of anxiety than a hitherto hidden part of his personality.

Is the cat male? Some male cats poo on their territory to scare off other cats or other animals.

It's called 'middening'. Maybe the cat is trying to scare off your DP!!

I would recommend a water spray to harmlessly scare off the cat, or making a loud noise.

I'd be surprised if any of them are so irrational as to expect other people to be grateful to them for providing the manure!

Yeah that was exactly my point - that everyone should be grateful for manure.

I don’t doubt tiger pop would stop the cat using the garden but will it stop ops dh from staring out of the window waiting for the cat.

As a cat lover I would never date let alone marry someone who didn't love cats. However, I find his excuse about the child to be silly. At not even one year old, your DC isn't going to be walking at all, let alone walking bare feet unsupervised in the yard. For another couple of years it isn't even going to be a problem. And if you have a garden it is good fertiliser (the cat poo, not the DC). I don't trust people who dislike cats, they are very sus, usually they have a very aggressive and dangerous disposition, and I most certainly would not want my DC to think hating cats is normal and that wanting to hurt a cat is normal. I would press this with him, that you do not want your DC to follow his example.

On a cheeky level, I would suggest to him you get your own cat, to keep the other cat away.

No but seriously, I don't know exactly how to handle this as I would never be with someone who doesn't like cats in the first place, so all I could say is tell him you are afraid he may turn into an animal abuser and we know almost all serial killers and sociopaths start out by torturing/maiming/killing small animals. To be honest, I'd leave him though or suggest he gets help. He does sound very ill and sociopathic.

In nearly 10 years he has been perfectly lovely so I’d be surprised if this was indeed his true colours - 10 years is quite a long time to put on an act surely?

Ask the wives of John Wayne Gacy, and Dennis Rader. Their wives had been married to them for around 20-odd years each. Gacy's wife had no idea he had raped and murdered around 33 boys. Rader's wife had no idea her husband had a history of torturing animals, even ordering (as he was a ranger) the impounding and putting to sleep of a resident's dog, and then bind, tortured and killed many women.

Just goes to show, you can never truly know who you are married to. Sociopaths are extremely good at putting on a respectable face, Gacy was even mixing it with top tier pollies in America, Rader was a respectable ranger. Not sure but I think Gacy's wife was married to him for around 30 years, will have to check up.

OP. I applaud you for confronting your OH; particularly re hammering in nails into the fence to intentionally hurt the cat. I'm disgusted by some of the comments here - basically condoning any proposed cruelty. I'm also relieved that this side of his personality has been exposed to you after all these years - you need to know for your child's sake, before they follow suit.

@ToeOfFrog

Cat shit can carry worms that blind children. Don't minimise the nuisance they cause by lying.

I just checked, and the same blindness can be caused by worms in dog shit and bird shit. So....what are you going to do? Stop any bird flying over your property? Don't over-exaggerate the 'nuisance' and lie by omitting that basically every animal can cause blindness via worms.

I've had a neighbors cat bully my cat for 2 years the cat literally stalks my cat and I get your dh obsession with chasing the cat away hit the asking for updates and wanting to harm the cat is where I was like omg.

The bully cat does my head in and cost me vet Bill's but I wouldn't think of harming him

I throw water at him or clap that's it okay it doesnt work but it's a cat you dont harm an animal because it annoys you

I wouldn't even have gone out with DH let alone married him if he didn't like cats. If at any point he even hinted at hurting an animal our marriage would be over. Some of the posts on here are disgusting, condoning hurting an animal.

I don’t think your husband is a sociopath or anything liked this. He rather wants to be in control of your family’s life and territory and guarantee that your garden is safe for a DC. And now he can’t do this because of a cat. It looks very annoying for him. Just a stupid cat and he, grown up man, husband and father, can do nothing! So of course, he is desperate.
Also as he is not a cat person it’s more difficult for him to understand that you can’t control a cat. All cat lovers know this, it’s probably a main part of attraction. I noticed that it exactly what dog lovers don’t like about cats.
Also he doesn’t like NDNs.
I would sit and have a chat with him about this. Hammering nails was very cruel and nasty , he can’t do things like this. I would acknowledge that you should try to do something to stop the cat but it’s might not be possible. Lots of people mentioned problem with birds, foxes, etc. We can’t control our children’s environment 100%.
You probably will rearrange the garden for your DC anyway by next spring and it might stop cat from coming. Or your DC might like this cat?
I also heard that cats would never use feeding place as a toilet. So I used this with kittens and it worked. But it’s about particular place in the garden, rather than the whole garden.

@SalemBlackCat

Birds don't have owners who should take responsibility for them but are too lazy and selfish to do so. Blinded by bird shit? Nature's fault. Blinded by pet's shit? Owner's fault. Why would you think otherwise?

HTH

@ToeOfFrog if you are blinded by any animal's shit pet or not, it is simply nature's fault. In addition, you could be blinded by a meteorite falling from the sky, or, anything really. The point is, you over-dramatized (why does this forum automatically change the 's' in dramati's'e to a z? I thought this was a UK board?) the danger of cat shit when any animal can give you the same thing.

Cats don't poo on the lawn.
Cats bury their poo.

I watched it do it. You can run at them, clap at them and make noises they just look at you like your mad.

My neighbour has 8 cats, plus all the others on the estate. I've tried everything. It's a never ending worry, why is it my responsibility?

I fully agree that no one should be harming any innocent animals but it is such a frustrating issue.

@ToeOfFrog What I am saying is that all animals have the ability to spread disease and make you go blind.

OP have you discussed with him how would react if the cat was injured or killed by his nail 'defences'? So, there's a horribly maimed, bleeding, yowling cat in your garden, which has perhaps had its stomach ripped open by his nails... now what?

Does he 'put it out of its misery' himself, if so how? Does he rush it to a vet, if so which vet and then what? Does he run over to the NDN in a panic, either with or without the cat, claiming he 'found it' like this? Or admit to them what he's done? Or would he watch it die a slow and agonising death, then display the body on a post and celebrate his 'victory'?

I'm just not sure he's really thought this through. But, it might be a revealing conversation to have.

The thing is, there's a world of difference between a deterrent and a vicious defensive weapon. It's one thing (though an interesting thing in itself) to get obsessed with defending your garden from the cat, using harmless deterents. Another again to fantasise about killing next door's cat. It is quite another to take physical steps towards achieving this. It definitely reveals something very wrong about him. I think you do need to find out whether that is a mental health issue or a personality trait. How you respond would be different but, either way, you need to respond to something which is not only about cat poo.

On those pesky squirrels juneau, (they really won't go away, will they!), I outlined current conservation action upthread. The point is that this is focused around the remaining red squirrel populations. It is part of red squirrel conservation. There is no programme to eliminate grey squirrels from the UK but I do see you acknowledged that. What follows from that, is that somebody killing squirrels in say Birmingham, or Surrey, is acting in a way that has nothing to do with red squirrel conservation, so the non-native status of the grey squirrels, in those places, is of no relevance. They are simply killing squirrels because they want to. Rabbits, moles, pigeons and other animals (some native, some not) are likewise killed by gardeners who find them annoying. Sometimes humanely, sometimes not. Which brings us back to the point of the discussion.

I think greenlynx has the psychological aspects spot on. Nevertheless if anyone were ever attempt to hurt any of my animals I would be incandescent.

Thé faeces of all carnivores tend to whiff a bit, including our own- personally I find cat poo deposited outside where it will decompose or be eaten by slugs far less disgusting than a stinking plastic lined sack of the stuff strapped to an infant's bum before polluting the planet as landfill.

I'm waiting for a human equivalent of roar to be developed - to be deployed intensively at Halloween. In the meantime I'll make do with a motion activated water sprinkler...

I loathe cats and chase them out of our garden whenever I see them. Cat poo can be toxic and does nothing to help plants. But I picked up something called Scat A Cat from Robert Dyas which seems to work - it's just granules you scatter around the edges of your garden to deter it from entering.

And cat shit stinks too!
Always? Ours rarely smells unless they have milk.

The cat shit in my garden stinks (from neighbours cats). No idea what they eat and drink.

I’d think your oh may have other issues going on and this is what he’s fixated on.
I would not put up with him hinting at causing harm to an animal though.

I don't really know what the answer is but I do think it's a bit off all these cat owners just denying that cats shit on lawns, that it stinks, that anyone other than a sociopath might find it grim to have to deal with it all the time. What about at least acknowledging that your lifestyle choice is having a negative impact on other people and maybe trying to help with a solution?