Sat in toilets crying- what should I do?

[mimilake]

Okay I know I'm being a baby but I've got incredibly low self-esteem and it took a lot of effort to get out of the house let alone apply to a masters course in Med Sci.

Last week was intro week, unfortunately I was recovering from an appendectomy so was unable to attend. Uni was great about it and told me to get better. Luckily I felt 100% better in time for the first lecture. I was told to go to reception at 10:30 today to go over what was covered last week (missed 3 events). Then attend a lecture at 11.

So i arrived at 10:25. Literally had to wait 20 mins to talk to someone only to get directed somewhere else. At this point I make the decision to go to the lecture and come back later. I run this past a staff member and they recommend I do this.

I was given a preliminary timetable last week so head off to the lecture theatre as I would like to have plenty of time to intro myself to coursemates.

I find my room, sit down and make small talk with the guy next to me. It transpires I'm in the wrong place. There has been a room change. Its now 11:20 as the lecturer started late. I go back to reception and they eventually tell me where the lecture is. The man I spoke to practically threw some textbooks at me and tells me to go to the lecture and enrol after. I had no chance to ask him any q's

I start running to the new place but chicken out as I cant face walking into the room 1 hr late.

I find the closest toilets and just burst into tears. This is not what I wanted to have happen. I have social anxiety and thos is the worse thing that could happen. I have no idea where to enrol and the stress is debilitating.

Honestly! You're doing brilliantly!

Don't forget you're still recovering from surgery! Be kind to yourself...

Also s someone else says....fake it til you make it!!

People often assume I'm supremely confident and self assured.... I'm not... I pretend to be... And it does get easier!

FaithInfinity no autism has never been brought up but I can see why you've raised it. I was a very confident and happy child. But as I grew up my confidence and self-esteem absolutely plummeted (not sure why).

I interact well with people in the moment and most people would assume I have no issues. It's just that I absolutely dread certain social situations (e.g walking into a room full of strangers) and overthink things to point I completely freak myself out. I then dissect past events and will be hypercritical/put myself down for small things (like yesterday sitting down in the wrong lecture theatre). I keep so much of this fear to myself that it makes me feel like I'm acting or being disingenuine.

I wish I could cut myself some slack but it's just impossible at times. Which is odd because when it comes to other people I'm the complete opposite- I'm not critical at all and mostly give them the benefit of the doubt.

e.g whilst I was doing my undergrad I hated the idea of sitting on my own in a lecture as I would assume people would think I was socially inept/incapable of making friends (seriously the length I went to avoid this scenario). But at the same time, I would not bat an eyelid if I saw someone else do the same, I'd just assume they wanted to focus etc.

@mimilake -I'm in my fifties and I've been you.
The secret that no one told me is that everyone is just trying to get by which includes faking it. Some people make it look easy because they have practiced or because they refuse to allow doubt- even recklessly so.
You will find a way that suits you as you get older. I bet there are things you stroll through now that have others in bits. You don't realise it and I bet you think you don't stroll through anything. You really do.
Cut yourself some slack. Do something goofy.

I've just started a masters op, thankfully its online, not sure I could cope with being messed around like you have. Remember though, you are paying for this aren't you? (even if indirectly through a loan or whatever) So expect a good level of service from your uni and staff, you don't have to be there. Education is a business like any other so don't be too meek and mild, you're a paying customer!

Finding it hard to talk about your problem to family members is a factor in most issues like this (speaking from own experience).
It's a 'symptom' of it so you are no worse than anyone else in that regard, so don't feel that because you can't tell your Dad right now reflects badly on you because it doesn't.
It's often easier to start with sharing your feelings with strangers (like we nice folks on here for example!).
Family and friends often just want us 'fixed' and are blinded by their own fear for our futures, and their responses may not seem that helpful sometimes. Once you start opening up a little about it, then you can slowly, at your own pace, move on to widen the circle of people you feel you can share your feelings with.

I hated the idea of sitting on my own in a lecture as I would assume people would think I was socially inept/incapable of making friends Yep, I was like this at university age too. I wouldn't have been able to stand in a queue for a coffee and muffin on my own. All fine now, you wouldn't imagine I'd ever had that problem. Of course the older you get, the less people are inclined to go around in gaggles, so it makes it easier to be on your own.

bellini - exactly. I went to a group networking photoshoot as a model, the first one I had been to. One of the male models said I came across as really cold and "been there, done that" and he thought I had been loads before. I was actually shitting it but in me that comes across as ice coldness

I'm in my 50's and still feel really self conscious, I can do it - stand in a queue and eat by myself but I have to find a corner table. I need to get to places early so that I can tuck myself away and watch who's coming in, my idea of hell would be to walk in last and have to sit at the front.

I'm sorry I haven't read all your thread, but please don't blame yourself here. You were let down by the people who organise your course and the staff at the university. I think if you can grab yourself a drink, take time to gather yourself and then find the course administrator you need to start a fresh. I completely get that it would be hard to walk in late to a lecture for a course that started last week. You are not odd or alone in that. Remember you've done nothing wrong. This is solvable.

Do they have a Student Support services? If so do contact them and get advice. I think you do probably need some form of counselling, and there are treatments for things like PTSD which can really help.

Anxiety is awful, but more common than you think.

One of those comments that really sticks in my mind is from when I was a young Mum and another young Mum said how she had always pitied those who went to a coffee shop alone (or just with small children) but now she could see the appeal/necessity. I find that so sad. There are so many things I would never have done if I couldn't do things alone sometimes.

Hehe this situation actually is quite funny. The incompetence and disorganisation of universities has to be seen to be believed. At my university there is a 2 hour queue at student services for the whole of October and November. I have cried from frustration the odd time from having to deal with it! I don't think you are unusual in finding the situation stressful - first days are always scary and plus with all the other problems that just makes it worse.. Just you need to have your cry and stride back out a bit quicker.
Just remember that if anyone on a reception desk is grumpy, it's not you it's them. Try and give a big smile to embarrass them into being more helpful.

well done Mimilake!
My first week as a mature student, I hid in a bush to eat my lunch because I was scared of the other students!

You aren't pathetic. If you have social anxiety, odd blips can assume massive proportions (it's called catastrophising). . Everyone has blips. I tell myself they are character building. CBT for Dummies is great for coping strategies on how to stop negative thoughts & catastrophising.