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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sat in toilets crying- what should I do?

164 replies

mimilake · 01/10/2018 11:51

Okay I know I'm being a baby but I've got incredibly low self-esteem and it took a lot of effort to get out of the house let alone apply to a masters course in Med Sci.

Last week was intro week, unfortunately I was recovering from an appendectomy so was unable to attend. Uni was great about it and told me to get better. Luckily I felt 100% better in time for the first lecture. I was told to go to reception at 10:30 today to go over what was covered last week (missed 3 events). Then attend a lecture at 11.

So i arrived at 10:25. Literally had to wait 20 mins to talk to someone only to get directed somewhere else. At this point I make the decision to go to the lecture and come back later. I run this past a staff member and they recommend I do this.

I was given a preliminary timetable last week so head off to the lecture theatre as I would like to have plenty of time to intro myself to coursemates.

I find my room, sit down and make small talk with the guy next to me. It transpires I'm in the wrong place. There has been a room change. Its now 11:20 as the lecturer started late. I go back to reception and they eventually tell me where the lecture is. The man I spoke to practically threw some textbooks at me and tells me to go to the lecture and enrol after. I had no chance to ask him any q's

I start running to the new place but chicken out as I cant face walking into the room 1 hr late.

I find the closest toilets and just burst into tears. This is not what I wanted to have happen. I have social anxiety and thos is the worse thing that could happen. I have no idea where to enrol and the stress is debilitating.

OP posts:
ferrier · 01/10/2018 13:23

Well done. Don't worry about the missed lecture. If anyone asks about it you could always blame the appendectomy ... say you came over faint or something so went to sit down and then get something to eat.

Thebeautifullisette · 01/10/2018 13:23

I haven’t read the whole thread, but: during my CBT the psychologist said to me that most people will respond sympathetically if you tell them straight out what the problem is, and I’ve found this to be true. eg in the past I’ve said “I’m sorry, I get quite nervous when I’m in a new situation/have to talk to someone I don’t know” and the response had always been a kindly, “That’s ok, so do I” or “No problem, take your time.” Just be honest, social anxiety is very common and general first-time nerves even more so!

I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and please stop blaming yourself or saying this should be easy for you at your age Smile I’m twice your age and I still have these moments sometimes, it’s not rational. Flowers

MadisonAvenue · 01/10/2018 13:26

That sounds like a good plan mimi

Have your coffee (what are you having? Is there an on-campus Starbucks? I think that quite an amount of my son's maintenance loan went into his uni's Starbucks' till), take some deep breaths, get this sorted and you've feel a huge sense of relief. Once it's done and you're enrolled and have an up to date timetable you'll be able to put today behind you and start afresh.

Trust me, you won't be alone in feeling this way. My son's very capable girlfriend went back home three days after starting university, she didn't think that she could do it and found everything overwhelming...she graduated last week.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 13:27

OP I don't have social anxiety, but would see no purpose in walking into a lecture over an hour late, due to them messing you around. Reception won't think you're being weird. Contact the lecturer after and explain briefly; appendectomy so haven't enrolled yet, sent to wrong place, then no one could tell me where I was meant to be, meant I missed half your lecture and didn't want to interrupt you halfway through, what can I do to catch up, see you next lecture etc etc. Good luck, it can only get better from here

MirriVan · 01/10/2018 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocorabbit · 01/10/2018 13:32

Just remember the last time you went to your dentist or GP. Unless they have a check-in sustem usually during busy hours you might have to wait for 30 minutes at the queue because other patients will need to notify reception or make further appointments or receptionists have to answer calls, register patients etc. Next time there is anything similar and you need to go to the office count this as well Smile I hope everything else goes well!

nocoolnamesleft · 01/10/2018 13:32

You're getting over appendicitis. That much of a physical insult to your body makes most people more emotionally fragile than usual. So, you have underlying anxiety issues, a recent major illness, and a stressful day. A wibble is pretty much inevitable. But you can rescue this. And coming out of the toilets makes a good first step.

Jux · 01/10/2018 13:37

Well done. First step taken! Big big tick Grin

Practise. Just keep practising, and by the time you get to the workplace you'll find it all much easier. Take deep breaths.

All the best Star

RachaelGeller · 01/10/2018 13:37

MirriVan that’s a really interesting perspective, and one that definitely chimes with what I’ve seen in a lot of cases where someone has social anxiety or ‘low self esteem’.

It reminds me of a thread I saw here a while ago where someone claimed that their anxiety and low self esteem was the reason they were often late to meet friends, and several people pointed out that actually it takes a great deal of confidence and self esteem to feel you’re important enough and worthy enough to keep others waiting for your presence. Interesting.

ravenmum · 01/10/2018 13:37

I keep thinking if I can't deal with his then I won't be able to deal with the workplace.
That's what I used to think. What I did was to gradually work my way up, doing jobs that were challenging but not ridiculously challenging, even if those were below my qualifications. After about a decade I started doing the job I wanted, and it involves having to deal with bolshy customers and everything. I've since had counselling for general anxiety issues, and now don't even panic in a tight spot. Things get easier with time and experience, and if you keep challenging yourself just as you are doing now. Well done for challenging yourself as you have done today. Who gives a shit if other people would find it challenging.

My daughter recently started at uni and I thought she'd have no problem, as she finds it easy to make friends and always has a smile on her face. Even so, when she had some trouble signing up for courses and felt really stupid not knowing how to do it, there she was on the phone blubbering away to her mum. Even the apparently confident ones can be scared in private.

Gersemi · 01/10/2018 13:38

Don't wait to go to reception. The person there will neither know nor care how long your lecture was. Give yourself time.

elisexo · 01/10/2018 13:39

I'm also 23 and started my master's this week and I really relate to how you feel. One thing that helps me when I'm in these horrible situations is think about how anyone else in your shoes would be having the same difficulties. You are completely entitled and allowed to be unsettled and confused as you have missed the intro week due to a genuine medical reason, therefore you have nothing to worry or be embarrassed about. It's the same with walking in late, you are entitled to be late due to the circumstances, it's not like you'd be strolling in an hour late with a Starbucks latte in hand after having had a lie in.

Get enrolled and your timetable, then later email your personal tutor and the lecturer and explain that you were unwell last week and this morning your timetable was mixed up which meant you missed the lecture, how do you catch up.

You're only 23 and must have done an undergraduate degree not that long ago in order to get onto the master's so breathe and remember you have done all this before.

What course are you studying?

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2018 13:42

I'm sure mimi must be talking with the reception team now. Pre-emptive Flowers for sorting it, mimi!

Original poster
mimilake · 01/10/2018 13:45

So i went back to reception, they sent me to student services. Here I was told that i needed to have enrolled online.

OP posts:
Original poster
mimilake · 01/10/2018 13:46

So am enrolling online via mobile right now.

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 01/10/2018 13:47

Yay. Go you. You can do it.

Mushroomsarehorrible · 01/10/2018 13:48

Faith in MN restored. We are on page 5 and I haven't seen one nasty post yet. It must be a record for AIBU, lately it's not been a kind place.

Good luck, OP, appendicitis is awful. I was in hospital for a month following my op (developed into peritonitis). You have done so well to get this far.

chocatoo · 01/10/2018 13:50

OP - I am glad you are out of the toilet and having a coffee. You now need to go back to the desk and sort out your timetable. I also urge you to try to catch the lecturer at the end of the lecture and explain what happened and ask where you can find notes on what you've missed.

I don't wish to sound unkind but you really really need to grit your teeth and push yourself a bit - noone will think any the worse of you. It's important that you get this sorted as otherwise you will find it even harder to go to the next one because you'll then worry about what you have missed.
I am sympathetic but concerned that you need to get yourself organised and feel that you shouldn't just run home until you have dealt with the outstanding issues.
In the nicest possible way, pull yourself together and get a bit of a grip!

wowfudge · 01/10/2018 13:55

Which you could have done last week, if you'd known. They don't sound very competent so I doubt they have noticed a thing.

Years ago, abroad, I walked to my first lecture but I'd underestimated how long it would take so was a couple of minutes late and a bit of a sweaty mess. Not wanting to have the Micky taken out of me in a foreign language by the lecturer for rocking up late, I didn't go in. No one else was late or I'd have tailgated them in. To this day I have no idea what I missed. I later found out that the lecture theatre was absolutely massive so people going in and out barely registered with anyone. I was 20 and very confident at the time, so I can only imagine how you have been feeling. Give it a few days though, it will all be forgotten. You absolutely can - and will - do this.

liquidrevolution · 01/10/2018 13:57

make sure you get your timetable and aquaint yourself with where your next class is. It is worth arriving early so you can relax before the class.

You may find much of the timetabling and lecture notes will be online so its worth finding out what system, how to access and have a good play around with it this afternoon as well as accessing uni email if you havent already done so.

Please dont feel bad. I haven't had appendicitis but it sounds awful and you need to make allowances for your recovery. I broke my knee 2 years ago and didnt appreciate how awful and vulnerable I would feel afterwards, even when the brace was off.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2018 13:58

Oh no! If only they'd told you last week. Well, at least you've got to the bottom of it, mimi. Well done you.

M3lon · 01/10/2018 14:02

I read your email and did a quick circuit of the toilets in our building to make sure none of our Freshers was having a difficult first day. I'll do it everyday this week.

Thinking of you OP!

AnotherOriginalUsername · 01/10/2018 14:06

Just place marking to write a proper reply later !

Seaweed42 · 01/10/2018 14:06

Your mind will automatically jump into the future, then your anxiety will use the 'Future' to disable you in the Present.
Another trick when stressed is to Notice 3 Senses. Notice 3 sounds, 3 things you can see, 3 things you can smell, 3 things you can touch and 3 things you can taste. To bring you back to the present and out of your head for a few minutes.
Another thing to do is a self-compassion exercise. Next time you are sat in the toilets, imagine yourself sitting with close friends for a coffee. Imagine telling them how difficult it is for you right now. Really imagine them being there beside you. Do you think if they really, really knew how you were feeling...would they turn towards you with love or would they turn away?

ToeToToe · 01/10/2018 14:28

If it's any consolation, that would have made me cry - and I don't have social anxiety.

Thanks Hope you're ok. It wasn't your fault, these things happen. Just a bummer that you missed intro week.

At times of severe stress, I like to think of Dory in Nemo - a film I watched eleventy billion times with my pre-schoolers - "just keep swimming."