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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not see a time when I’ll ever work?

301 replies

sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 09:50

DC3 is due in January. DC1 is 6, DC2 is 3. Dh is self-employed. We have no support network at all around us.

AIBU to not see a time when I might be able to work? Yes possibly when all kids are in secondary school but that won’t be for another twelve years or so. I can’t see how we’d manage with us both working and we don’t live in an area where there are loads of available jobs.

OP posts:
WhatAPandemonium · 30/09/2018 10:52

There is no reason that you can never have a career, if that's what you really want.

But you will have to make some big sacrifices and work incredibly hard to get there.

I think now, is perhaps not the best time for that. But, if you use the next few years wisely, even studying on a very part time basis then at least the wheels would be in motion.

WorkingtoUNI · 30/09/2018 10:53

If you want it OP you can do it.

Maybe not now.

But certinaly not in 6 years that is just bazaar.

Im at college now with a 1 year old and a 3 year old who is in half day nursery.

Im doing my Accsess course to nursing. Next year i start my midwifery course at UNI. And ill have a 4 year old and a 2 year old then.
In 3 years ill be a fully qualified midwife.

Dh has to step in and help. He works permanant night so we work it around his shifts.

It is doable! Speak to DH see what ways he can help.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/09/2018 10:53

I love a good drip fed thread.

Op, if you don't want to or need to work then don't! But think about what you're going to post (especially in AIBU) before you post next time so that you have more chance of getting the answers that you're looking for rather than other people's honest opinions!

JamAtkins · 30/09/2018 10:53

I think that’s where the confusioncomes from jam, I will never have a career

Do you want one?what would you want to do if there weren't any logistical barriers?

user1492863869 · 30/09/2018 10:54

I think the issue is do you actually want to see a time when you will work and have a career.

Let’s face it th career fairy will not appear in 11 years time for you, giving you a job and an experienced packed CV. It is up to you to define your aspiration and ambition in life. What do you want to be doing in 10 or 20 years time. When do you want to retire and how much money do you want to have in retirement. Do you need a bigger home down the line? What would you do in the face of death, debt or divorce ? As an adult with 3 children you need to be able to answer some of these questions and quite a few others beside. With all due respect the answer isn’t in the excuses and deflections you have provided so far.

There are lots of options for you over the next 5 to 10 years. Part time work and studying, home studying and working, self employment and self education. If you want to make them work, you probably can. But that will be down to you. Nb Part time work is pretty normal these days in most sectors, health, retail, service industry etc. So I going to throw that back at you as being an excuse. It’s probably harder to get full time work with your qualifications and experience.

Ultimately you could be better off in life relying on your husband, benefits and then low paid jobs. I mean that seriously and without judgement. But that comes with a high degree of dependency. The welfare state is an ever changing safety net and I personally wouldn’t rely on it in old age or for when your children all go to primary school. Not after the last 10 years anyway. As one pp explained there are benefits to working even if it doesn’t immediately increase household income, pension contribution and career advancement.

Original poster
sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 10:54

Ok, I’ll delete this before I do, let me try again to explain where I am coming from here.

I live in a rural area, with two young children and another on the way. If I worked evenings and weekends I’d have to drive to wherever I was working and that would eat into the cost. I would only earn minimum wage, I’d be stressed and exhausted, my relationship would suffer.

I was thinking about going to college but then got pregnant with dc3. And realised it wouldn’t happen.

I honestly just wondered if anyone was the same. Not looking for an argument. Sorry.

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 30/09/2018 10:55

Your youngest will get some funded nursery hours when they are 3. You could use that time to study then. That's what I did.

AnnabelTheAntelope · 30/09/2018 10:55

Well, I do really sympathise with you op. Believe me, it’s no pleasure for me stowing my degree away in a drawer while I have to do a job which is low paid and completely unrelated to my degree. I have a huuuuuge loan to pay back as well, as it was a four year course. It can feel very unfair, but it’s to do with choices I’ve made, so I kind of have to suck it up if I want to work at all, which I do 🤷‍♀️. I wouldn’t work if I didn’t want to. And I keep it casual so I can pick and choose shifts. It’s not mandatory. Put it this way, if you aren’t working, someone else can have that job. So in a way you’re doing someone a favour.

Original poster
sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 10:55

User, no I don’t , that’s kind of the point.

OP posts:
WhatAPandemonium · 30/09/2018 10:55

By study, I mean from home when the children are in bed or an evening class once or twice a week once the baby is a year or so?

Yes, it will be hard work but it's well worth the effort!

WorkingtoUNI · 30/09/2018 10:55

Have you looked into the open University

You study from home in your own time and around your own hours. My mum did this at 36 with 6 kids at home from ages 1 to 14. Shes 40 and a qualified nurse now.

Original poster
sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 10:56

Which is still 4 years away bitchwueen and then I’ve still got to find a job that will pay enough to cover 3 kids childminding costs plus commuting costs. Thanks.

OP posts:
Mymadworld · 30/09/2018 10:57

You could childmind until your own children are all school so only 4.5-5 years off or they get some free nursery hours from 3yrs old so really not that far off at all. If you don't need a wage right now then just enjoy the time raising your babies but Use this time to work out what you want to do in the future and start planning for it - look at your own interests and hobbies first, likely employment, wage etc and you can either study in the evenings or when Dc are at school/nursery. You're only young and could be on course for a successful career at a time when lots of us are just having babies!

Tekken · 30/09/2018 10:57

College - how, with a baby? Studying at home is out of the question, I can barely read a book with the kids here.

I'm not meaning to be harsh here at all but why would this be so difficult? Is it something you would want to do? If so, I'm happy to answer any questions of my own experiences of studying with a baby if it would help?

Lots of people go to college when they have a baby and older children. In fact, it's a great time to do it. You may be eligible for a childcare or discretionary fund, you might get a bursary, you likely won't be in 5 days a week, you get school holidays off. Then you have qualifications to either go on to uni or get into a career by the time your children are a little bit older.

You study on your days off of classes (with baby/kids in childcare) or in the evenings. It is bloody hard work. But definitely worth it (for me, anyway) if you want to pursue a job or career you are passionate about and need qualifications for. You need to have timetables all over the place to ensure you plan in advance when you can study. You could agree with your husband that he tends to the kids when they wake 3/4 out of 7 evenings (i did it without a partner and often had to pull all nighters to finish essays/projects).

It IS possible but hard. It would be something you have to really, really want in order to stay motivated to see it through. Doesn't sound as if you're quite there yet.

Screenburn · 30/09/2018 10:58

You have time to study as you have spent five minutes posting on here. That five minutes could be spent doing an online course. And I’m sure you must spend five mins watching tv or similar when the kids are in bed, right? The time is there - you just have to want to use it for that purpose. If you don’t, that’s absolutely fine and your choice. But it is a choice you have. You’re obviously intelligent from your posts. I’d hate to think you felt like you couldn’t progress if you wanted to.

MarthasGinYard · 30/09/2018 10:58

I think efforts of suggestions are falling to the wayside here IMO.

Not sure what Op wanted from this it's not really too clear TBH

BitchQueen90 · 30/09/2018 10:58

@sparklyonions yes, but it could help you out for the future.

What do you plan to do when your DC are grown and left home?

gamerchick · 30/09/2018 10:59

You don't know that though, you're assuming.

Look your kids are still little. Why don't you let the idea go for a few years and revisit the college thing again when the kids are older if that's what you want.

Original poster
sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 10:59

We rent so couldn’t childmind. Plus to be honest there isn’t much of a demand for it. It’s rural here people have family close by mostly.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 30/09/2018 10:59

I had two children under three and my XH left. I had to work. No family/support within 200 miles. I worked at a loss for the first few years, having to pay childcare, bills, mortgage, commuting costs etc.

About 3 years later I was in profit and able to take DCs on holiday. 8 years in I invested in a Masters degree, via OU. I'm now able to help my DCs and wider family out financially. I'm actually grateful that XH leaving forced me out to work. Many of my SAHM friends, many professionally qualified, are now in their 50s on their own, in minimum wage jobs they hate.

Don't trust your financial security to anyone else.

Ohluckyme · 30/09/2018 10:59

Are you just looking for validation from people here so you don’t have to feel guilty about not working ever?

My mum had us young (19) and when we were at school she went back to university in her late 30s early 40s. She has an amazing career now so it can be done. She’s paying into a pension and contributing to take the financial pressure off my dad. She’s amazing! You can do it too - if you decided to.

Original poster
sparklyonions · 30/09/2018 11:00

Martha I’ve SAID loads of times now.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2018 11:00

So.... you have no support network, you live in a rather isolated area where there are no jobs, and your husband is self-employed.

Have you considered moving somewhere else. If your husband is self-employed, that should be a possibility, and you can all move to someplace you can more easily find employment as well.

Pringlecat · 30/09/2018 11:01

Do you plan living in this very rural area forever? In 5 years' time? 10 years' time?

cookiesandchocolate · 30/09/2018 11:01

At aged 6 and 3, your childcare is practically free.

Find a 2/3 day a week job and use holiday clubs and wrap around care.

My childcare bill was £500 a month, as my children get older it's going down. Currently it's £300 and next year it will be around £200.

I don't earn very much and my OH is lucky that he can work around my hours but it means we don't often get quality time together. As the kids get older it will be worth it.
We have lots of family around us but they all work full time so cannot help in terms of childcare.

We have a neighbour who helps with the school run and we return the favour whenever possible. I also do the pick up with my friends child.

There are options out there, it just depends how much you actually want to do it. That isn't a criticism. But if you would rather be a SAHM then fine but just say that, don't hide behind the fact that you are unable to work