AIBU to not see a time when I’ll ever work?

[sparklyonions]

DC3 is due in January. DC1 is 6, DC2 is 3. Dh is self-employed. We have no support network at all around us.

AIBU to not see a time when I might be able to work? Yes possibly when all kids are in secondary school but that won’t be for another twelve years or so. I can’t see how we’d manage with us both working and we don’t live in an area where there are loads of available jobs.

Well you can choose not to work if you don't need to obviously but you're in a very vulnerable situation with your DH being self employed. Quite a few my friends DH's are self employed and in the last 12 months one was out of work for 6 months after slipping on an icy pavement and one was out of action for 2 months after breaking his leg playing football. Luckily their wives have decent jobs so they weren't left destitute. It would be different perhaps if your DH was in a very secure job with decent sickness benefits. At the very least you need to look at decent insurance cover for these eventualities.

Ok well you must all have different children to me, studying isn’t really possible.

Presumably you had them through choice? You are acting like this has all taken you by surprise.

Okay, I've just read through the whole thread and to me it seems that you just don't actually want to work OP. Plenty of people on here ave given sensible suggestions, but you've knocked them all back.
You come across as someone who thinks that a minimum wage job is somehow beneath you
IF you really wanted a 'career' that badly, then why did you decide to have another child?

I have a neighbour just like this. She has 2 DC's and is 'taking time out to be with the babies'. The oldest is 4, starting school next year, the other one is almost 2 and she's still breastfeeding her. Has told her DH that she can't go back to work because she's breastfeeding.
She was out with myself and another neighbour one night, got drunk and told us both that she absolutely no intention whatsoever of going back to work and that she's currently trying to conceive number three so that she can have at least another 5 years off.
Her DH has no idea whatsoever that she's planned all this. As far as she's concerned it's "his job to pay the bills"

If he died or left her in the morning, I don't know what she plans to do.

I'm actually beginning to wonder if you might be her .....

You read the whole thread yet didn’t notice DC3 is an established fact, Hilda?

Wow. Maybe you should go back to college yourself

Have you considered being a childminder op, perhaps once your middle child goes to school. It's not a massive earner but you don't have to pay for childcare, you are bringing in money and still getting to take care of your own children.

If he died or left her in the morning, I don't know what she plans to do

Probably cash in his life insurance policy or go on benefits.

I bet people would come flocking to help.

They always do

Jesus what a frustrating poster.

If you don’t want to work or feel that your personal circumstances would present an insurmountable challenge, fine. But if you wanted to work it would certainly be possible.

It depends how you feel about not seeing a time when you'll ever work.

If you're married (for the sake of your security if anything bad happens to or with your children's father) and your husband can afford to support you all, and his job is an in demand one and as secure as it can be... Also if you are fully aware of how your future pension is impacted (i.e. without your husband you'll be in poverty in old age) or better you are putting money into a private pension while you're at home, and of course most importantly if you're happy to stay at home...

Then YANBU

But

If you're unhappy about it then YABU not to do anything about it.

Not now while pregnant necessarily, and certainly not with a newborn, but there'd be no harm doing some Google research now, finding out what your options are. If you have A levels an OU degree would be an idea, for example, if not A levels or a vocational course at evening classes.

Your DH would be unreasonable not to support you returning to work via training if you want to, perhaps once your youngest is 3 and entitled to some free preschool hours.

If you both wanted it he could juggle his work to do childcare on set evenings to allow you to study and get a job when the youngest starts school.

@sparklyonions not sure why everyone thinks you're causing an argument, I read your post and thought yep I agree, in the same boat....!

Oliversmumsarmy

Are you being sarcastic?

Cause i cant help thinking 'and what if they don't?' And what happens in a few years when all those people move on to the next cause or just their own lives?

You expect everyone to rally and support the op indefinitely? Doubtful his life insurance will be enough to live for on forever.

I sort of get where you are coming from op. I have a good job, part time, school hours but at the moment childcare for 2 eats into 80%of my salary. Obv dh pays toward childcare so it's not just me. But still.

When both are in school we will still be 400- 500 for after school etc.
We also live rurally with no family so have to pay for it all.
I don't think there's any shame in staying at home...ive often remarked to dh that I don't get how young woman on minimum wage can afford childcare.

annabeltheantelope good for you and all the other posters who didn't put down the value of being a SAHM, but I didn't say everyone had done that, I addressed the posters that had. And it's not always what's said, it's how it's said as you well know. But you keep spouting your bollocks if it makes you feel better, and I'll keep spouting mine.

I have 3 kids, now ages 11,10 and 7.
I had a year off maternity leave with them all,
inbetween DC1 and DC2 I worked from home in the evenings in a virtual call centre for a well known company.
After DC2, and after DC3 was born until they went to school i worked evenings in a restaurant as childcare for them all would have wiped out my wages and we decided we wanted me at home with them in the day.
After DC3 went to proper school I started looking for a job, luckily a friend of mine was in charge of recruiting a part time from home position so offered it to me without ha info to apply for it! It was as a PAYE employee for a proper company doing proper work (not MLm or anything) unfortunately the company went into liquidation after losing their main client.
I then within 2 days found a temping job to cover maternity leave - school hours 9.30-2.30 which was perfect. 4 months in the lady on leave handed her notice in and I was offered it permanent. I also upped my hours so the kids go into afterschool club twice a week but even paying for that I bring Home twice as much I earns in any of the other part time jobs.

Well onefoot, you said the site should change its name, which sort of implies you mean everyone on it is of the “if you’re a sahm you’re a dick” persuasion, no?

But you keep spouting your bollocks if it makes you feel better, and I'll keep spouting mine.

I thoroughly enjoyed this^^ though . And, don’t mind if I do!

Could you become a childminder when your baby is a little older?

I'm looking for a new job in a school. I've done other jobs in schools and a lot of my colleagues were in the same boat, trying to find work around kids. I have a kid with autism who won't cope with holiday clubs and after school clubs, so my options are limited. But I'll keep looking.

Surely this must have occurred to you when you decided to have 3 children? The tone of your OP suggests this has just occurred to you tbh!

onefootinthegrave

annabeltheantelope good for you and all the other posters who didn't put down the value of being a SAHM, but I didn't say everyone had done that, I addressed the posters that had.

You said the below. I quoted it back to you and said I thought it was bollocks.

This site should change it's name to 'Anti- mum's unless you work and get a career, otherwise you're a dick and we'll look down at you' because that's all it seems to be.

“ALL it seems to be”. Implies everyone... I have previous for taking people too literally though. Did you actually mean something else?

I stayed home for 17 years. During this time I helped in school and passed an OU degree. I had 5 children 2 of whom had special needs, health issues and husband worked away. But mainly I wanted to be with them after tragedy of losing 2 stillborn babies left me with ptsd. Nothing else mattered.

I always worried though about what if and now all DC are at school (and I've hit 40) I am back and in the last year of a professional course which includes work experience. This helped as I did lose my confidence about work. I do have to pay for some childcare and just break even on a small training wage. But it's a relief I can bring money in if needed whatever happens money wise etc. And as it is a caring and people facing role it is very rewarding not just making money for someone else. That's important to me.

I would maybe do some study from home and help at the kids school/nursery and make small steps to improve confidence. But there is always time to retrain later in life. People are on my course in their 50s. Good luck and enjoy time with DC.

Well, if you don’t want to work that’s fine. My dh is self employed (actually makes it massively easier to have a career given he has that flexibility). I went back part time when dc1 was 11 months and full time at 2.5 years. I made just enough to pretty much cover childcare. But never mind because I was built career. Dc2 is 7 months and I probably won’t go back to work again until he is 18 months. But because I built in those years, my salary will more than cover nursery and a comfortable bit more. We don’t have any family support at all but both of us working now means we’re comfortable enough even with one in nursery. It wasn’t always that easy though and it definitely took a lot of strategic planning over the years.

Of course you can work / study / both of you want to! I live in a rural area, no family around and earn minimum wage. I also work sometimes 50 hours a week and study part time with the open university. No it's not easy, but it's perfectly doable. There's always plenty of care work around and I find night shifts don't affect the kids as much. I do however look like a zombie due to lack of sleep and my dh and I literally high five at the door as one comes in from work and the other goes. But that's life. If you don't need to work then don't. But there's no point coming on here saying you can't when plenty of others manage it!

All this wasted advice. Open University requires no qualifications and many courses offer you up to SIXTEEN years to finish your chosen subject.

Just say you don't want to work and stop wasting everyone's time.

Is ou free? I thought it was expensive🤔

It's not free. There is an option to pay monthly, in full or take out a loan that doesn't need to be paid back until you're making over 25,000 a year.

Future Learn does a lot of free courses - they are a good way to ease yourself back into the mindset, and while you don't get any official qualifications, they are useful to put on your CV anyway as evidence you like to learn. They can also help you narrow down what you might be interested in.

@sparklyonions

I haven’t read the full thread but I think I see things differently from the majority here.

My take on you is that you are feeling a bit low when thinking about where society thinks you should be Vs where you are. And that the situation that you are in, feels a million miles away from you being “one of those people” who have a career or good job. It’s understandable if you feel like that. Like there are no options.
Young kids are hard work.
Being pregnant is hard work.
And imagining a different life when you are probably in routine for years that doesn’t change, is hard work.
Maybe to some extent seeing your partner work could make you jealous that you don’t have that option.
Not everyone has a huge amount of drive, sometimes feeling overwhelmed like I think you are, combined with worrying about the future can be a sign of depression. Have you considered this?

If you are looking for people the same as you, perhaps to make your situation more “normal”, don’t be surprised not to find any on here. But that doesn’t mean you are the only one in your position. You are definitely not. This just isn’t the place I don’t think.

I think you probably like the idea of a career or good job but it feels completely impossible with too many hurdles. I can see why you feel that way. Nothing is impossible.

You can be more than mother, you just have to find the right time and get into the right mindset before considering your options.

I hope you are ok x