To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

[Zoosie]

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

I’m so sorry your so distressed about this. But honestly, it’s a fingertip. Don’t make it a big deal for her.

*find it difficult

My brother is missing a finger tip, pretty much everyone has forgotten about it to be honest. I think it is very unlikely she will be bullied for it. By all means get a prosthetic is you think it will improve her ability to use her hand, but I wouldn't do it for cosmetic reasons.

Very young kids honestly barely pick up on this stuff. I work with Year 1 children, and it's amazing what they don't notice. In a wonderful way, I mean.

I would say if it's not distressing her then I wouldn't do anything, just leave it. Luis are remarkably accepting at that age and if she starts school like that, the others kids will accept it as part of her. My son has a fair size scar on his face and although kids are curious and ask what happened, they haven't bullied or excluded him. A teaser later they have all got used to it and they don't even notice it. x

Oh and I second pp, don't make a big deal out of it. Your reactions will shape hers.

kids not luis, year not teaser, bloody autocorrect!

Wouldn't it be simpler to tell her that her fingers were damaged in an accident when her hand got caught in a door? You don't have to say who did it. I think if other children ask they will find the answer about it being special a bit odd, whereas they will just shrug at an accident. I wouldn't bother with a prosthetic unless it helps her manipulate things. There was a girl in my son's class with no hand - she was never bullied as far as I'm aware. She was just matter of fact about it and if asked just said, I was born like this.

The kids will notice a prosthetic more than her hand (plus she'll take it off to fiddle with).
Is she in nursery? How would she respond if asked about it?
Kids won't be mean, but they may be curious. Making sure she has an age appropriate response to any questions may be helpful.

Work on her resiliency and self-confidence.

But also I think maybe you need some help with this. Not looking at pre-pictures implies you are struggling with your image of your 'perfect' child. She is still perfect. She doesn't need a fingertip for aesthetic reasons.

There was a girl at my primary school who only had two fingers and a thumb on one hand (I believe she was born that way rather than having lost any fingers). I can't remember it being a big deal at all although can't say for certain if anyone was a dick to her about it as I wasn't with her 24/7.

Would the prosthetic help or hinder her ability to write/use scissors etc.? I would be more guided by that than concerns over bullying tbh.

It doesn't sound like it would be that noticeable anyway, compared to other issues that children may face. FIL has a missing fingertip but I honestly would never have noticed if DH hadn't pointed it out.

This is my other problem, do we tell her that it was her brother that did it? Ever? I’m just worried that it might impact on their relationship.

Functionaltiy of hand is fine, asking purely for asethtics

I remember your thread from the time I think, OP. I’m glad she’s doing well.

I wouldn’t worry about a prosthetic, not for reception/Primary. I don’t think children that age focus on stuff like that. They are very matter of fact about things. She will be fine. Unmumsnetty hugs to you. It must have been quite an ordeal.

I wouldn’t tell them who did it. It will be difficult for both of them, especially during the teenage years.

I made a post a few weeks ago about my Ds who is year 1.
He has a lot of scars on his face and his friends have just started to ask him questions about them.
I was really worried about how he was going to be treated, I thought he would be bullied or made to feel self conscious about himself.
So far they haven't asked anymore about them and my son hasn't mentioned it again.
My son knows how he got his scars and I hope being open and honest with him will help him to answer any questions others will ask.
He is only 5 though so we shall see how things go as he gets older.

cheby thanks for the good wishes!

She is doing well but I’m still definitely not over it.

I just worry that the accident will hold,her back.

I had a horrendous attack of vertigo at the time, I had to take the day off work, if I’d been well, this would not have happened. I was off, should’ve been at work !

I think you could tell her who did it but just make it clear that he was a baby himself and it was an accident.

My kids were at school with a boy with a partial arm and they never mentioned it.

Have you had any counselling for the incident? It sounds like it might be helpful.

Lastly I’m going to send you a big hug xx

Op it took me a long time to look at photos of my Ds before his accident because it made me feel so sad that he didn't look like that anymore but now most days I don't even notice his scars.

I’d agree with others that if a prosthetic is useful for her functionally, go for it. If not, it may become un-needed.
As you say it sounds like this was a traumatic experience for you. Have you been able to access help in working through this? If you are able to find a way to live with this more comfortably it may help your DC to follow your lead.
Her sibling was so young when it happened there can’t be the slightest inkling of responsibility, simply an accident. So hopefully with time it can become a unique family story and you may others with not too dissimilar stories. A now adult school friend had significant burns from scalding tea when a toddler and has always been quite comfortable with the scar tissue as from an early age her mum painted an idea of uniqueness for her.

I would just say "it got caught in a door when you were a baby". It's perfectly true, and she doesn't need to know any more than that. And it means she has a simple, easy-to-understand answer when kids ask about it.
And no, I wouldn't give her a prosthetic.

• just re-read and didn’t mean to imply you were saying sibling was responsible. Sorry, badly worded!

Most young children probably won't make a big deal of it. I know one boy had a deformed hand which was just accepted at primary school. He had a few mean comments in secondary school but his friends acted more upset than he did.

I think perhaps you need to talk to someone about your issues OP.

Tell her it got squashed when a door slammed. But she was very brave, even though she was just a baby and it's fine now and she can do everything any one else does.

Gently point out people with hand differences who are just getting on with things as role models. I don't know if Ceri is still on CBeebies or there is that lady currently on Bake Off who seems pretty cool.

Basically most people are nice. But chances are one day some dickhead will say something mean and you want her to have the self confidence to say, "Yeah my finger's missing, so what? It's no big deal so why are you being such an idiot about it? Loser."