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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

149 replies

Zoosie · 30/09/2018 00:54

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

OP posts:
Ixnayonthehombre · 30/09/2018 01:35

It sounds like you are carrying FAR too much guilt around about this. Tell her it got trapped in a door. Don't tell her it was her brothers fault. Kids will ask but they are unlikely to bully her for it.

AnimalMystery · 30/09/2018 01:38

My mum shut my hand in the door when I was one and it chopped off or mangled the end of it. As I result I had a skin graft from my arm on the end of my finger, which now has a flat end and half a nail. It’s about 1cm shorter than the same finger on my left hand.

It’s never affected my writing and only 2 people my whole life have ever noticed it. It would probably be more noticeable if I had long nails, though.

I’d agree that you might benefit from counselling as it sounds like your understandable grief and sadness over the injury are affecting you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/09/2018 01:41

Just remembered there was a quiet little boy with a dodgy eye and hand in my DD's class at school. There was one incident at primary where one of the popular little girls said something mean. ALL the other kids absolutely turned on her. I remember my DD was outraged. The teacher had to basically talk the other kids into even speaking to her again.

The little boy is a handsome confident young man now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 01:42

When I was about 7/8 there was a girl in my class missing the bottom half of her arm and therefore hand. I was fascinated by her prosthetic hand and shortly thereafter she got a new one, which was more lifelike.

When I asked her what had happened to her she told me she’d ran fast at a table and it had fallen off. I knew that was rubbish. As an adult I assume she was born that way but I couldn’t say with absolute certainty.

Your dd is missing a fingertip. Be open and honest with her. Very matter of fact. Then she will be honest with others. For her it will only be a big deal if you make it so. And right now you are by not saying. She is little and curious and she knows there is something you aren’t saying, which is frightening. I always felt uncomfortable around the girl at school because she lied to me and I have always hated lies. Or perhaps she didn’t know herself. Please don’t visit that on your dd.

This is your issue not your dds. You blame yourself when really it was just an accident and luckily your dd is only missing a finger tip. Let yourself off the hook and be the mother your dds need. It’s such a small thing to overshadow all your lives in this way. It really is.

Zoosie · 30/09/2018 01:43

I definitely carry a huge amount of guilt since the accident. I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune diseases straight after which I fully believe are stress related.

I'm attached a close up picture of my dd's hand. Could people please be honest and say what they see? I'm so sorry I don't know if u should include a trigger warning, sorry

To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc
OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 30/09/2018 01:44

As a disabled parent, I have found children are always curious, I have made sure that my children have a simple, easy explanation that they can tell their friends when they ask. They usually do ask, but then I am in a wheelchair. I find that 98% of the time, the children accept the explanation and don’t ask again.

I think as a society we attach too much shame to children asking about disabilities and differences, as a child I remember being repeatedly scolded and told off for being rude by my Aunt for what was innocent curiosity. As a disabled person, I much prefer to answer children who are curious. Scolding a child and telling them off for innocent curiosity, is not a way to teach inclusion and encourage acceptance. Children today, are genuinely the generation most accepting of differences, so far. My ds (white) took great offence when an elderly relative made a racist (using terms that were deemed acceptable in their generation) comment, all be it innocently meant. Both of my dc have grown up in a world where we have taught that skin colour is exactly the same as hair and eye colour, where homosexuality/ lgbt are deemed normal, gay marriage normal, Trans normal, disability normal, all races and genders are equal, as well,as all religions equal. This generation as a result is much more open to differences. Those children who are not accepting of differences, are unfortunately negatively influenced by their Families.

I personally, wouldn’t go for a prosthetic, to me, a prosthetic may draw more attention to your daughters hand than without it. As long as your daughter has adapted to using her hand and doesn’t require a prosthetic for day to day use, then I wouldn’t bother with it. (Obviously if your daughter wants to play an instrument that may require the use of a prosthetic, then by all means that would be fantastic!

I would just teach your daughter a simple informative description, to explain what happened to her hand. I would be very surprised if many children notice to begin with, or if they continue to probe after initial asking. I would imagine most children will see it like a grazed knee or a cut that required stitches.

My Dad lost the top half of his left index finger during an accident with machinery at work. My children didn’t notice it until my Dad drew attention to it. He used to make up funny stories about how he ‘lost’ his finger- claiming that he lost it whilst picking his nose, or fighting the big bad wolf, or from scratching his bottom (which made for some amusing reassurance for my autistic and very literal ds! )

I want to add that I am not suggesting that anyone is deliberately telling children off for curiosity, I am just sharing my own experiences/ beliefs. I am also autistic, so I just want to add that I have meant 0 offence.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 01:49

The index finger on her right hand is a little shorter than her left? It’s not very noticeable. But I can understand she will have to find a way to position her hand if right handed or learn to write with the other hand. I wouldn’t get a prosthetic unless she struggles to write.

AjasLipstick · 30/09/2018 01:49

My workmate was born with a congenital hand issue which meant one hand was much smaller than the other. None of us noticed! She actually pointed it out a year later.

My best friend at school was missing a finger...similar accident. Nobody bullied her once...people didn't notice. She was a shy, quiet girl too.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/09/2018 01:51

OP she's got a cute little hand and if you look really really hard you see that one finger is a little bit shorter than is usual.

"Trigger warning". Come on seriously, catch yourself on. It's not something horrific. Seriously, get some counselling. Don't pass this ....I don't know....shame....embarrassment onto your child.

Smoresleepplease · 30/09/2018 01:52

After reading your original post, I was expecting a mangled mess... her hands are beautiful. You can barely notice it. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t know what I was looking for.
I have weird feet, well, foot. Was born that way and always had a hang up about it. I wished it had happened during an accident, rather than being born that way, as I felt like it made me sound ‘weird’.
Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. As others have said, if she’s asked, tell her to say it was trapped in a door as a baby. I doubt anyone will care after such a ‘boring’ explanation.
Hugs to you though OP. Sounds like you suffered terribly after the ordeal

stellabird · 30/09/2018 01:53

My nephew ( 6 ) was born without his right hand. He is at school and has never had a problem with it. He has learned to use one hand for everything since birth and nobody has ever said anything bar the usual "what happened to your hand" comments from other kids when he first started school. He just says he has never had one, doesn't make a big deal of it.

Your daughter won't be bullied over a fingertip. Kids will still notice if you get her a prosthetic, and then it would be more interesting to them than if she just didn't have the fingertip.

5SleepingLions · 30/09/2018 01:56

Honestly Op her hands look fine.
Yes one of her fingers is a little shorter but as smores said if I didn't know I probably wouldn't have noticed.

RooCalledToby · 30/09/2018 01:57

I don’t think you could even get a prosthetic for that. Honestly, it’s barely noticeable. I mangled one of my own fingers by shutting it in a door when I was 12. It looks worse than that, and I can only remember one person mentioning it - and that was just to ask how I did it.

I think you will make it into more of an issue if you keep going on about it.

Perfectly1mperfect · 30/09/2018 02:14

Zoosie

I was expecting it to be very noticeable from your description. It isn't, I had to really look to notice that one finger is slightly shorter than it should be. I can be a real worrier, especially about my children but I really, truly do not think that this will be a problem in terms of children bullying your daughter.

My children have both had children in their class with things like scars, birthmarks, hearing aids, all things that their parents have worried other children would pick on. They haven't been an issue and some have been very much more obvious than what I can see on the photo of your daughters hands. Children are very, very accepting of any differences between them. They may ask questions if they notice but I don't think it will be anything more than this.

I can understand that you find thinking about the incident very difficult and I think this is having an effect on how noticeable you think this is.

Flowers for you.

BlueParsley · 30/09/2018 02:25

Honestly? I had to look for a while to realise which fingertip was missing. It really isn’t very noticeable at all.

I have a problem with hyper mobility and it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realised that this was why writing caused me pain so do be vigilant if she’s experiencing any difficulties but for aesthetics? No. I doubt that the other children will notice it and if it is isn’t bothering her then there’s no reason to.

SpoonBlender · 30/09/2018 02:42

Wouldn't even notice it. I had an aunt who lost all her fingertips in a lawnmower, and a best friend at uni whose fingers hadn't grown in the womb. Currently working two desks from a chap who also took his off with a lawnmower. No-one ever notices, it's just not a big deal.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2018 02:48

Forgive me if I have you mixed up with another poster, but if I'm recalling your prior threads correctly it seems to me that the issue is not with your daughter, but with your own inability to adjust to her injury. Perhaps it's the misplaced guilt, perhaps the aesthetics upset you but I think you need to seek counseling. Your fear and focus on her injury will be more damaging to her than you realize. Sorry if I sound harsh.

missperegrinespeculiar · 30/09/2018 03:01

Hi OP. I know it is very difficult to let go of the guilt, but really, you must. I am sure it was terribly traumatic at the time, and I don't want to make light of it, but to be honest, for a stranger looking in, it is nothing, barely noticeable at all. She will be fine if you are, too.

There is a little boy in my son's class who has a very seriously disfiguring and progressive diagnosis, he is one of the most popular boys in the class, a delightful, funny smart boy whom everybody loves.

His situation was explained simply and clearly to the kids when he started at school and everybody just accepted it.

Of course there might be the odd unkind comment, but it won't matter if your daughter is otherwise loved and supported, she will shrug it off.

LivLemler · 30/09/2018 03:04

Oh sweetheart, how could there ever be a need for a trigger warning for that photo? There's nothing cuter than a chubby little hand, and one shorter finger doesn't change that.

I can't imagine children will care in the slightest. Occasionally someone might notice in a "how have I never copped that before?!" kind of way. She can tell them she lost the tip in an accident but she hardly notices it, and they'll move on.

I'd watched several episodes of bake off, where they show close ups of the bakers working, before I noticed that Briony is missing fingers on one hand. Just not what I was focusing on as I was looking at the dough/my phone/the baby etc.

Also, chandler in friends is missing the tip of one of his fingers. I'm guessing you've watched countless episodes without noticing, possibly have never noticed or only noticed once it became personal to you.

Your daughter has a small difference that doesn't affect functionality and most people won't notice. Don't let it become a bigger thing to her than it needs to be. Flowers

TheStopAndChat · 30/09/2018 03:23

OP it will be YOUR feelings around this that has the potential to cause the most damage to your child. I know, 100%, that that is not a consequence you'd ever purposely cause or want because I can see how much you love your baby and the guilt that is crushing you.
You definitely need some help to deal with your own feelings because, seriously, the event itself pales next to the influence you have in shaping your daughters experience from here on. I can't see how you CAN'T be projecting on to her tbh. I'm sorry you've gone through this and are still going through it Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2018 03:34

Empower your daughter with the truth. She lost the tip of her finger in an accident, and some people may comment or ask her about it. She is not broken, disabled or less-than. If someone is cruel, it is not because of her finger, it's because they are very sad and insecure.

Getting her a prosthetic will only make her believe that something is wrong with her. That is the farthest thing from the truth.

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 03:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/09/2018 03:58

Tell her what happened so she can tell others if they ask. "My finger is more special" may not be sufficient for a curious child, but if she can just answer "it got shut in a door", case closed. Nothing else to wonder about.

kmmr · 30/09/2018 04:12

My friends dad closed a pram on her finger and cut it off at an early age. Her ring finger on her left hand. To between the first and second knuckle.
She is 45 and he still feels bad!
But, I actually didn't notice until a few years after to met her, in our early 20s. She said it was just a thing at school, not teased, but noticed.

So, basically I'd say don't make an issue of it. A fake tip would make it seem a problem to her and something that needs 'fixing'. She will never remember anything different. And I'd tell her her brother did it if she asks. It was just an accident.

Also, hugs. That must be so hard to deal with it. I struggle with pictures of my son before his face was scarred by a relatively minor cut (which went keloid). But I try to just make it part of life.

PeakedTooEarly · 30/09/2018 04:37

I think you would be better to tell her the truth about the door. You can leave out the fact that her DBro did it accidently if you wish but I think she is more likely to be bullied if her response to questioning is that her finger is 'special'. If she matter of fact tells the truth kids are more likely to leave it be surely?

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