To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

[Zoosie]

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

I would never tell either child who "did it".

I wouldn't get a prosthetic unless she needs it for functionality.

I'd be amazed if her classmates even noticed. I wouldn't expect bullying.

I do think it sounds like you need some counselling to come to terms with your feelings around her accident.

I concur I think you need counselling for this to help manage your feelings

Like most I had to zoom in to see and it’s only because I was looking for something I saw it many wont notice and those that do will think nothing of it

Her finger would be barely noticeable if you hadn't pointed it out. I worked with a young lady one who had missing digits on her had but didn't realise for ages.

With regards to her writing I would ask if this is something occupational therapy could help with or maybe encourage her to use her left hand rather than use a prosthetic. I think it's such a small difference it might cause more problems than it solves if she comes to rely on a false fingertip. It's not the same as losing a whole hand or limb.

Everyone has 'differences' , some inherited and some acquired. They become part of us and are nothing to be ashamed or for that matter , proud of.
This , very minor, blemish will have no long term impact on your DD, it is almost nothing.
Please seek help for your reaction. I understand that as a parent one takes in the responsibility for the safety of our children. We all want to make everything all right for them, but this was a little accident. There will be many more hurts to come. Don't let your reaction have a negative impact on your dear little DD.
Be matter of fact and tell her that she caught it in a door so that if anyone ever notices , which they might not, she has something to say. I don't imagine that any sort of prosthesis would be useful to her physically or for aesthetics.

At this age children are very accepting.

It might be when she goes to secondary school she’d like a prosthetic as at that age they want to push each other’s buttons and test anxieties. Deal with it then.

I suggest some counselling for you it's upsetting but your response seems out of proportion. I can't see why this would cause bullying? A child in dds class has a club hand never mentioned no one bats an eyelid.

I'm sorry you are still so traumatised. I can't imagine how much you've thru.
You have many layers of trauma and may be worth talking to a therapist about it.
First thing if your dd can you her hand ok do nothing.
Do talk about what happened to her and normalise what happen. It was an accident the less you talk about it the trauma continues. I hope your son it's ok.
My fil lost most of his fingers when he was 16 years old and didn't stop him he had a very successful career. He even played golf.
Sounds like you have ptsd.

I absolutely would not tell her or your ds what happened. Maybe when they're adults, maybe.

I wouldn't make a big thing of it with her. Just be matter of fact. And I wouldn't consider a prosthetic finger. It's just the top part that's missing and is barely noticeable.

I worked alongside a man, including seeing him type on my computer for years and didn't notice he had a finger tip missing.
He told me one day (going through passport control in US and only has 9 finger tips), and it was the first I knew.

My sister lost part of her finger in a very similar incident, I don't think anyone ever noticed it to be honest. My dh was born with a thumb that has no knuckle. He was never bullyed about it. Kids really don't notice and if they do a quick 'I had an accident' satisfies them. Don't make a big deal out of her finger, it will just make her more conscious of it. I have known my dh since we were 11 and I can honestly say no one pays enough attention to hands to notice something like this.
Definitely look into counselling for yourself.

I was well into a relationship when my partner mentioned the accident that caused him to lose the tip of his finger. I hadn't even noticed.

Children accept things easily. Just explain what happened to your daughter. Tell her she should tell the story to anyone who asks. I reckon it will be a big non issue for her.

I agree with PPs that your response is not normal, you seem to be struggling with the loss of your 'perfect' child and tbh I am worried about your son - are you sure you don't punish him in any way for this? Why on earth would you make an issue among your children of who 'did' it?

My dd acquired a still-noticeable scar across her forehead at 6 weeks when the cat tried to climb up onto dh's shoulders while he was holding her. She's still beautiful, it's part of who she is and of course we don't blame the cat. How much less would we have blamed another, tiny, child.

You do need to sort this out for yourself, preferably with therapy, as this is going to affect both your children - not the fact of the accident itself but your response to it.

I really, really wouldn't have noticed. I had to look for a long time at the picture to make a guess which finger, and even then I'm not entirely sure.

In my very first class there was a little girl who had a missing fingertip; she was so well adapted, I didn't notice it either, at first! When I spotted it, I discreetly checked her notes, and found it was the result of an accident when she was very young. I don't even remember any of the other children asking about it. She was a popular child, thriving in her work and relationships.
A few years later, I taught a little girl who had been born with an entire arm missing from elbow down - just born that way. Again, the other children just accepted her for who she was.
Your little girl sounds as if she has the resilience and positivity she needs, and you have given her that.

I have a very similar injury from my finger getting caught in a door when I was 2. It has never caused me any problems, children often asked me what happened and I would tell them and that was that. As a child I found it a useful way to be able to identify left and right as i knew which one was my injured hand.
I'm not sure if it was my brother that slammed the door on me but reading this thread has made me think maybe it was. I honestly can't remember if I was told he did it or if I have just created that bit of the story in my head, but I certainly don't feel that i blame him (or my mum who was supervising us at the time). It is simply an accident which happened and my finger has always been a part of my identity.

A partly missing finger is very minor. You are worrying unduly. I think you risk making your daughter feel bad about it when it's nothing really.

Apologies - I didn’t mean to suggest calling it a fairy finger to hide the truth - just as a nickname for it.

Please get some counselling OP, you are tearing yourself apart over a none issue and the consequences of your fixation could be very damaging to you DD.
I'm also concerned about the impact on your DS who should feel no shame over an accidental thing he did when he was a baby himself. I'm sure you wouldn't make him feel bad on purpose but kids pick up on all sorts of subtle messages given out.

One of my best friends in high school was missing a fingertip, due to an accident in early childhood. I joined the school in year 9 and didn’t notice until year 11. It was a total non issue. It only came up at all because we were discussing cool things about us and she mentioned it. She called it her party piece. She wasn’t bothered and neither was anyone else.

TBH. It wouldn't have crossed my mind not to tell her what happened. It's such a normal thing to happen. Brother slams door on sibling isn't exactly the type of thing that should become a deep dark family secret

You are massively overthinking it. I understand you have your reasons but regardless you shouldn't make things worse for your child.

My friend told me her dd only started to get some grief in secondary school (partial arm - not sure how to refer to it) , however she developed a strong passion about disability rights and some phrases like ‘are you actually mocking me for my disability?’ With a hard stare. So at that stage your daughter could learn ways to deal with it. However, in the mean time the main thing is to instill all round confidence - if you grow up feeling securely loved and like ‘you are ok’ then that’s the stable base from which you can navigate the world. I worry that your anxiety about this issue will create problems. I would say no to the prosthetic, although you can let her know such things are available in an offhand way and let her choose when she is older (the risk is you will make her self-conscious about it). Saying things like ‘its your finger, its part of your history and I love all of you’ if you say anything maybe? I would also start to let her know ‘the story’ - oh it got trapped in the car door, we had to race to hospital, etc - make it dramatic and a bit funny. (My brother lost the tip of his thumb age 15 and I can’t say I have ever noticed it since).

I teach in mainstream primary but have taught a few children with varying degrees of disability. I have had children make comments about some of these children to me, like they don't want to catch 'it'. However when I've explained to them what the issue is and that they can't catch it, it's never mentioned again. Young children are naturally curious, they will ask your daughter what happened as they don't have that social awareness we have as adults. If you tell her the truth, that it was trapped in a door, and don't turn it in to a big thing then she will be better able to answer these questions. In all my time as a teacher none of the children have been bullied, their class grows up with them and accepts them for who they are - another class mate.
As others have said I really think you need counselling to help get rid of the guilt you feel

OP I have not read all the comments but I think you are projecting your feelings of guilt and trauma about the incident onto your daughter. She will be fine, her brain will have adapted so she has perfect functionality, and she will never remember any different.

I think that you wanting to get a prosthetic for aesthetic reasons rather than functional reflects that you are continuing to dwell on the incident, feeling like it was all your fault and still looking for ways to try and 'fix' things and make it better. I agree with pp that you should perhaps seek counselling because you really don't have to feel so guilty about this forever and ever. That is not good for you or your dd.

I really don't want this to come across as harsh but you currently run the risk of turning this into a traumatising event for your daughter as well by dwelling on it and never being able to deal with it and move on. It needs to become a non issue, and if you manage this then your dd will hopefully breeze throught and it won't be a problem for her. However if she always remembers it being a big deal in one way or another then you run the risk of her becoming self conscious about it.

I hope that makes sense, and best of luck to you.

Thanks for the honest feedback. It’s much appreciated. I’m glad I posted the picture. I know posters on here’s wouldn’t say it’s only very minor if they didn’t think it was. It helps to get perspective.

I do think as time passes I’m coping better with it and I don’t think as much about it. I think it’s just the prospect of school and a new group of people and explaining it that’s daunting.

I’m well aware that a finger tip is minor, I know it could be much worse. It’s what I’d say to someone else but when it’s your child, it is different.

On the advice of this thread I’m going to tell her what happened, matter of fact.

My brother has a missing finger tip after my sister shut it in a door when they were tiny. I'd forgotten until I read your post. It is really really really common. There won't be any bullying. Or even noticing. My brother plays several musical instruments btw.

Her wonky finger is not a matter of great interest and concern. Don't teach her that. It would be genuinely bad for her. Having a mum who is losing her mind is also bad for her. Stop the focus on her finger and get the focus onto your mind and how you can get better. She's fine. You are not.