To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

[Zoosie]

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

Your guilt has turned it into a massive disfigurement in your head. The way you have described it compared to the photo is so overblown.

It was an accident, it was not your fault.

She only needs a prosthetic tip if it will aid her. I’ve a feeling it won’t and will probably just annoy her and will rub lots.

Get her to love it, love herself, be confident about it and maybe work on a good way for her to discuss it with her peers, should they ask her about it. If she acts upset or embarrassed by it, THIS could be the bit that allows bullying to start. Bullies find weaknesses. Her finger is not a weakness, but how she perceives it could be if she picks up on how you feel about it.

You NEED to move forwards. The picture shows a cute kid. That's it. Unless someone pointed it out, I wouldn't have noticed a thing.

DD's friend at school has had surgeries every year and needs another and spends at least some of every year in a wheelchair. And hearing aids, glasses and a speech impediment. And he's awesome.

Kids are great. Yours is great. They all have something.

You really can barely notice it, I couldn't see what was wrong immediately and that was when I was looking for it. You have built this up in your head to be a huge thing when actually the reality doesn't match. In the nicest way OP please get some help with this now before your DD becomes affected by it.
You should make sure you daughter knows it was caused by an accident and she can tell people this. Young children tend to be very curious but remarkably accepting.

Sorry, I think you are making a huge mountain out of a small molehill.

One of my kids was born with some birth defects. They just always accepted it was the way it is, it may not be everyone’s normal but it’s their normal. I think you are setting your child up for a world of grief by spinning stories about special fingers. Kids are pretty matter of fact. If they notice they will ask what happened/why their finger looks like that. If your daughter says it got closed in a cupboard door and cut off chances are the other kids will go ‘okay’ and never think of it or mention it again. If your child responds with a cock and bull story about it being a special finger that’s going to create confusion and 1001 other questions. Why is it special, how, what does it do, look out for x, don’t let them point at you it’s a special finger etc. Kids have vivid imaginations and it will blow up. Give them a boring truth and their minds immediately move on and don’t give it a second thought.

The other thing is giving your child confidence and resilience. That way if someone points it out in a bad way they just say ‘yeah, it’s missing, so what’ and look at the person like, of course, how fucking obvious, not news to me. Not much bullying is going to stem from someone who you can’t get a rise out of. But if the child is all sensitive and upset about it they will have a target painted on their chest. I think you are going to need professional help in this respect. It’s going to be hard to equip your child in this regard when you don’t seem to have these aspects under control yourself. Seriously, it’s a finger, not that bad and as you said function does not seem to be affected. If you act like it’s not a big deal (which it isn’t) then it’s not.

Finally, I may be the odd one out here but I would never make it a weird secret that their sibling did it. I take it their sibling was a young child themselves, not like a 16uo with a knife who cut it off for jollies? If so, then that’s the simple truth, nothing sinister and no blame for an accident between siblings that could have happened to anyone. No need for the sibling to ever feel bad or your child to ever cast blame.

It’s not a big deal, don’t make it a big deal.

I teach a young man with a very damaged hand. It took me about 2 weeks to notice tbh. I have no idea how he did it, if it was an accident or something medical. He's never mentioned it. No one in the class has ever brought it up. It has zero impact on him as a person, or his performance in class. He's a very active, sporty person who is planning to be a personal trainer.

In fact I read this thread and sat for a few minutes thinking "this rings a bell, I'm sure I have something to add to this thread - why does this ring a bell?.... Oh yes, it's XX from class Y" That's how much of a non impact it made on me.

That is BARELY noticeable. I can’t imagine my same-aged child would ever, ever realize that anything was different about a friend with a hand like that. In fact we know an older child with only one finger one a hand (birth thing) and his parents say they’ve had no trouble with other children at all. Try to find a way to work through this before you convey your negative feelings about it to her. Counseling perhaps?

Do get yourself some counselling.

I had a friend who had lost a finger tip, the whole top joint. As a teenager it took me months after meeting her to even notice, and it was a much bigger injury than your daughter's. She did tell us why, but it really wasn't an issue, I can't imagine anyone even mentioned it normally.

Bullying is dealt with much better at most schools nowadays. But is unlikely to be triggered by such a minor thing anyway.

I'd tell her now that it was caused by an accident with a door. If she asks as a teenager you could tell her and her brother the circumstances.

But please get help with your guilt etc. That is a much bigger issue for your children.

It took me 5 years to realise a colleague had a 'missing' finger
Even years of 'high nine' didn't click for me

There’s a boy in dd’s Class missing two fingers (think he was born that way although I’m not sure). He tells people a shark bit them off!!
Anyway, they are all year one and aside from a few questions I don’t think he’s had any comments, it’s just part of him iyswim?
Honestly, work on her resilience and she will cope fine. Kids this age don’t really care that much about differences

An accident is exactly this - an accident. It's completely understandable that you are upset about this - but please forgive yourself (although you technically have nothing to forgive!) and let it go. Its is very much how you feel about things that will be put onto your children. It's not just your little girl - but her older sibling who unfortunately caused the accident to think about it. Honestly, just treat this as normal - and it is - people have a huge variations in body types. Give your daughter some language she can use if children ask her questions - such as why is your finger like that? (a door squashed it and made it shorter) and the children will soon move on.
By the way, I like others was expecting a mangled mess - and I also had to do a double take to see which finger it was. There was a teacher in school who had 6 fingers rather than 5 - she would openly show the children and explained how she was born this way and they were fasinated by it. I thought it was very clever of the teacher to deal with it in this way so it was dealt with early on and the children then forgot about it.

I really wouldn't worry. My brother was born with the top of two fingers missing on his right hand. Index and middle fingers so it made writing tricky at first. However it's never been an issue for him; not held him back at all. He's now the only fireman with specially made gloves 😁.

Oh - I'd just tell your DD that she trapped it in a door. Be matter of fact and she will be too.

Dd has a skin graft on her hand from a burn when she was 2. She says people notice it , but nobody has bullied her about it.

My honest opinion of the photo is that I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't mentioned it. At most it just looks like her first finger is a little shorter than the second finger. You've done brilliantly to give her extra support so it doesn't affect the functionality with writing etc. She will now take her lead from you in how she sees it and how she conveys it to others. If you can be light and breezy about it she won't see it as a problem either.

Perhaps some counselling for you may help you deal with the trauma of the event and the guilt you now feel It was not your fault, neither was it your DS's, sometimes these things just happen.

I think that I commented on your post at the time but just in case I didn’t...

My son had exactly the same accident. Older brother slammed the door and he lost part of his finger. He was 5 at the time.

Anyhow, he is 12 now and has never once been bullied for it. Yes, other kids often ask him what happened but that’s it and tbh he quite enjoys relaying the gory details .

I really think its how you deal with it that will have the biggest on your daughter. I freely admit to being utterly devastated when DS had his accident. I couldn’t look at it for a long time but you have to get over it for DDs sake.

Honestly, if I hadn't know what I was looking for I really wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with her hands. I think this is stemming more from tor feeling of guilt than anything else. Accidents happen I think maybe you need some help to understand nobody is to blame for this.

No one will notice or care. Tell her what happened, her friends will just be interested in the story.
My DD has large scars from heart surgery last month. She'll be 3 in December. She knows why and how she got them and we're teaching her to wear them with pride.

Sorry I was going to pm you with a pic of my sons hand, but I’ve realised I can’t do that. Don’t want to post it on here as it’s very outing.

I just wanted to show you, that despite the injury, life goes on and children cope much better than we think they can.

Kids like facts when curious, tell her what happened, she will relay it to any children asking questions, that will like be the end of it.

If my children are anything to go by they say thing like why does that lady have no hair? She is possibly having treatment for an illness that loses hair. Why does the girl in my class have that on her face? Because she has x condition.

I'm sure your daughter is perfect and you can't prevent everything, try not to put that on yourself.

I say this with kindness, you HAVE to get over this and understand that this is a very minor injury. Get help for yourself. Your feelings about the accident are so out of proportion with the injury, which is so so small.

Talk to the teacher, you know yourself whether your daughter would prefer everyone gets a short explanation (some things are best explained by an adult) or I feel she's comfortable to answer questions ad hoc.

Or if you feel she's comfortable to answer...

I don’t think it looks as bad in the photo as I thought it would from your description. My DS has a girl in his class who has no thumbs, as well as several other disabilities. He says nobody has ever made fun, and actually the other kids make effort to help her eg when they are doing things in class using their hands.

I knew someone when I was younger who has toes transplanted to her hands because meningitis had robbed her of all her fingers. So she was missing a number of toes from her feet and little toe fingers on her hands. Tbh, until you posted this, I’d entirely forgotten about it! We never noticed her hands and when we did ask about her feet, found her story fascinating.

Certainly no bullying! If anything it was kind of cool.

In the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip. My dp and I have mangled hands from frequent breaks and dislocations from playing rugby, as do all Our friends who played as kids/adults. War wounds to be proud of! Love telling the stories behind our now deformed fingers (2 fingers won’t straighten at all, bone lumps, buggered joint. I also have some cigarette burns from an Initiation) my hands are proper ugly! Am very likely to get arthritis too.

So a missing tip is nothing...

I would not get a prosthetic because it will awkward to manage (I am assuming ?) I think the kids will ask what happened and then they will move on I don't think she will be bullied. I have heard my own children chatting in the car about a girl at school who has four fingertips from the knuckle missing on one hand. I don't want to sound perverse but they spoke as if it and she was quite cool. (It is not her writing hand)

I wouldn't worry about bullying, I would be more concerned about as you mentioned holding the pen and being able to write well. If a prosthetic would aid that then it would be worthwhile