To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

[Zoosie]

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

I had to look for a while to spot that! In the kindest way possible, op, you are making this into a far bigger deal than it should be and are risking making your daughter hyperaware of it too. Please try to find a counsellor to talk to as your response and guilt are not a healthy state of being.

I think one of the contestants on Bake off this year has truncated/non-existent fingers on one hand - I only noticed when they zoomed in! If you watch it or your DD watches it with you (or on catch up on 4) you could maybe point and say 'Look at the clever lady making beautiful cakes - she has a finger a bit like yours! I wish I could make lovely cakes like that' etc. Seeds the notion that such an injury doesn't hold you back at all. I also think there used to be a CBeebies presenter missing a whole lower arm, which kids seemed totally unbothered by.

Hope you start to feel a bit better about it now - you are carrying guilt that you simply don't need to

I don't think bullying is certain. One of my DS's best friends has an unusually-shaped hand with a spherical shape and very small fingers. It's just not an issue. No teasing, just acceptance.

A prostheses is the wrong path - unless she needs one eg if she wants to play piano and that finger is too short to reach the keys.

Focus on building her confidence and body-positivity. Bullies don't pick a victim based on what is different about them. You can't stop bullying by addressing specific differences. Bullies bully because they are bullies. If it's not about fingers it's about some other myriad of reasons.

Just noticed someone else mentioned bake off - teach me to RTFT!

I've just remembered a housemate who was a premature baby and threatened her friends (humorously) with the 'stubby' finger ("You know it's serious now - I am wagging the stubby finger at you!!"). I also had a teacher at primary school who was missing an entire hand. We noticed, but it just became normal after the initial noticing. Honestly, no one cares about this anywhere near as much as you think they will.

Quite simply if anyone makes a nasty comment it is really appalling behaviour and the school need to deal with it.

My dd has a large birthmark on her arm, other than curious comments no one really cares about it at all. She's nearing the end of primary.

I would tell her it was trapped in a door and so now she has a fairy finger. It needn’t be a big deal - it’s a small difference which can be overcome and even treasured as a unique feature. The only damaging thing is your guilt. 🌼 Cast it out!

It's barely even noticeable and I'm not just saying that to be nice - I had to enlarge the picture and look for a bit! You say yourself you were very traumatized by her accident and it's clearly something that's still upsetting you to the point it's become quite a focus for you so I agree with pps that counseling could be helpful.

Looking at it I suspect a prosthesis would be more hassle than it's worth for a small child and would only be for cosmetic purposes which, imo, risks giving your dd the impression that it's something embarrassing, that she should expect negative reactions.

I know you're not there yet but if you can get to a point where you can be blasé about it then she will too. Please don't be secretive about how it happened, she'll definitely ask for specifics at some point and delaying that just builds it up as A Very Big Deal. Just tell her in a matter of fact way that when they were both tiny they were at the door and DB closed it accidentally catching her fingers, the doctors did an amazing job and she was very brave. No need for serious, hushed tones or talk of how "special" her finger is.

I think you need counselling to help you with this. If your daughter can function without a prosthetic then I would leave her be. I would also explain what happened in an age appropriate way, if you keep being vague she will start imagining things which are worse than the reality.

When I look at her hands I see one slightly shorter finger. Nothing gruesome or ugly or anything. It would have taken me a while to even notice.

From the way you described it, I was expecting it to be a lot worse. You can hardly tell! I'm sure because you've been so traumatised by the incident that it stands out to you but it won't to anyone else.

There was a thread on here a while ago, and whilst not the point of the thread (a woman was spreading rumours that the OP had died!), part of the story was the husband had his foot removed as an infant due to an accident caused by his sister. Both parties knew what happened and their relationship didn't suffer at all.

You can tell her it was an accident and set out the facts - I would never say that her brother “did it” but I would say what happened. My dd had a broken leg because her brother fell on her. He didn’t “do” it - that phrase implies blame. He was 3!

As for bullying- armed with facts she can explain what happened concisely. The thing you need to be aware of however is that young children will be curious and will ask in what seems a harsh way. They’re not being mean - just children. If they tease, then you get the school to sort.

I can understand you want to protect your child for what you perceive as something as your fault. However there are so many what ifs- how can you possibly know that this wouldn’t have happened anyway? Your dd is happy and healthy. That’s the main thing.

Please don’t tell her it’s a fairy finger. Be truthful and matter of fact.

at the PP with cigarette burns from “initiations”. That’s one if probably be keeping quiet.

I taught a girl once with 6 fingers on one hand. Nobody bullied her. At that age, they were mostly jealous that she could count tom11 on her fingers not 10! Children that age are amazing and accepting and they will grow up with her and probably will not notice after a while.

Sorry OP, I cross posted with your daughters photo. As a daughter of a Father who has an almost identical injury, I would not have noticed! The surgeon who repaired your daughters finger must be very talented as there is very little sign of your daughters injury (I really had to look to see her little finger)..

I agree that this is your anxiety at play here, alongside perhaps some guilt and ptsd surrounding the accident. Having a child undergo major/ any surgery is horrific, my ds had to have major abdominal surgery at 18 months, he was left with stitches the full width of his torso, from one side to the other. Now age 11, his scar is just under an inch long and ds sees it as a badge of honour.

Our scars, lumps and bumps tell a story about the lives we have lived. Your daughters hand is a part of her story, it is beautiful, as is she! It tells a story of her bravery, her strength and her ability to overcome obstacles. I remember the sadness that my sons beautiful bellybutton, which was created after his umbilical cord fell off, was gone, replaced by a neatly sewn in and surgically created bellybutton. But I am 100% grateful to my sons surgeon, he is very proud of his unique belly button. With lots of love, reassurance and positivity, your dd will love her hand just as much!

I agree with pp. it seems you carry the trauma and guilt with you. Please speak to your gp, as this is something that you could get some help with. You could also look up havening. There is a YouTube video to take you through self havening and it has helped me deal with some strong emotions from past events.

I'm sorry you feel so traumatized by her injury, it sounds hard for you, and I would reiterate what other PPs have said, you may need some help over coming to terms with the event yourself.

The picture honestly shows a lovely little girl's hands and I had to double check to see the shorter finger. I bet she's a sweetie and will have no problem with it all.

I would tell her the truth about what happened. No guilt, no shame at all, on anyone. Accidents are accidents. The one thing I'd keep in mind would be the content of her medical records, which she may want to access later in life (for whatever reason). Do they say 'brother accidentally trapped fingers in door' or something like 'door entrapment, unknown cause' (for instance). I just know that I wouldn't want to explain things twice.

As said OP, might be an idea for you to get this sorted on your own mind, and your recovery could also alleviate your physical conditions, as you've alluded to above. Best wishes

It’s really not noticeable at all, things like this don’t tend to really register unless you know it’s there.

I went to school and was friends with a girl for around five years, on a night out a man walked by and undid my halter neck dress so I asked her to do it up for me. She fiddled about with it for a minute before telling me she couldn’t do it and showing me her hand which was deformed. I had never noticed!

My friend is missing half a finger. I didn't notice for nearly a year. Honestly don't make it a big deal for her

My daughter had a similar accident and has a finger tip missing and very slightly disfigured nail. It was never an issue as a child other than a dire warning about slamming doors. She is an adult now and has her nails manicured to look the same.

I have two friends one missing an arm from the elbow at birth, one with a deformed hand. Their attitude to their disability and impact on their life is totally different. It is causing my friend with the deformed hand to feel extremely self conscious and convinced it has hold her back. My friendxwith a missing arm is full of confidence and said that her arm has never stopped her form anything.

A big difference between the two of them is that my friend with the deformed hand was brought up to feel some shame about it and to do everything to hide it. The other was brought up to accept it and believe it didn't make her different and that bullying needed to be tackled not avoided.

OP don't do it unless your DD get to the point she begs for it. Kids accept disabilities much better nowadays. If bullying take place, it's the kids inflicting it that will need to change their behaviour not your DD.

I had a friend who taught pottery at a boys secondary school. She had fingers missing from birth but just gave them all the chance to have a good look at the start of year 7 and never mentioned it again. She never had any problems.

Absolutely not! They'll barely notice unless your DD draws attention to it. I'd tell her what happened as well. It was an accident.

But OP I think you need to get some support to help you deal with this. I can hear how traumatised you are and I know that it doesn't need to be like this. You won't reverse your autoimmune conditions but you might find that your physical wellbeing as well as your emotional wellbeing improve if you can mentally re-file this from "trauma" to simply "memory".

Imperfections are ok, they’re what make us human. I think we need to learn to live with them and know we are loveable in spite of (and even because of) them and your dd needs to know that and feel that way. Our role as parents isn’t to ensure our kids are perfect but that they can handle imperfection, failure and challenges with confidence and joy. I was born with a slight birth mark that’s faded over time and my mum talks about it like, “I was so worried when you were a baby that it would stay that way or get worse”. The way she talks about it, there’s nothing worse than being different or standing out. And it’s not true. It’s how you handle it. I can relate to how you feel because my daughter lost her hearing in one ear due to an illness. I mourn for the perfect hearing she used to have and for the struggles she’ll have. But if handled well she can still do what anyone else does. And someone who is “perfect” physically can still grow up to be unhappy and unfulfilled, and obviously someone with lots of physical struggles can grow up to be very happy and successful or whatever.
Bullies don’t need physical imperfection, if they want to pick on a particular person they’ll find something. Equally someone could have more obvious things wrong with them but for whatever reason the bullies leave them alone.

My son has a port wine stain birthmark. It covers half of one side of his face, a paler area on both forearms and the front of his lower legs. He also has an area on his back which looks like a handprint. Doctors said they had never seen such an extensive birthmark before.
It is not as deep in colour as some you see but was very visible as a child. He didn’t even get asked what it was until he was 8 then he answered honestly and that was it. He has never been bullied for it even when he has laser treatment for it and looked like he’d been burnt with a cigarette end. He’s 25 now and it’s mostly covered by his beard/stubble area but he’s quite happy to be clean shaven and is a confident young man.
Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for if we allow them to be.

There are a few kids in the dc's classes that are different on some way (minor physical disability, one fairly large facial mark similar to a burn etc). No one cares. Kids are curious and likely to ask but then completely accept the answer and forget all about it.

It was an accident. Kids have accidents. One of my dc (I was even watching them) tripped and broke 2 of the other dc’s bones accidentally when they were little. I have a friend with a slash down her face, her brother (again all toddlers) broke a glass panel and a big shard slashed her face, putting her in hospital and needing an operation

Your best policy is this:

1. honesty in a very matter of fact way
2. not letting your dd know how you personally feel about this
3. understand that recipients of her explanation at school will be 4yo so “my finger got cut off by a door closing on it” is fine. It’s clear and little kids will just accept it right away and not are unlikely to think any more of it. A 10 yo would probably consider whether it’s painful and might ask. But at 4, they’ll accept it. It’s fortunate she’s so young.
4. as she goes through life she will encounter bullies simply because they’re everywhere and always looking for a victim. It’s unavoidable and her feisty personality will do a lot more to stave that off than any prosthetic bits or cover ups.
5. it looks fine. I looked at your photo and thought has she covered up the problem? Where is it? Then i had to look closely to see the missing nail.

Try not to worry op