To anticipate bullying and do this for my dc

[Zoosie]

I posted about this at length at the time. I really don’t want to rake up the old threads as looking back I feel I had a serious amount of trauma from the incident.

My daughter had an accident at home when She was a year old. Her sibling (toddler) closed a door on her hand and cut one of her fingers off. One of them was reattached successfully, the other didn’t reattach.

So now my daughter has one finger tip missing . We love her immensely and she is a gorgeous feisty and amazing little girl. I’ve been worked hard on her pencil grip and making sure she can use scissors etc. She is 3, about to turn 4.

There is no doubt that her hand looks very odd. She asks me about why she has no nail on one finger, I tell her that this finger is even more special. I try to not draw attention to it but she definitely is aware of it.

My question is I get her a prosthetic finger tip for starting school or not not? I’d really love people to say what’s they would honestly do! Not what they think they should say.

Please don’t come criticise me for posting about this. I still Fonda to difficult difficult to look at pictures of pre accident baby.

The little lad at dds school with no fingers is one of the most popular kids.

I broke a friend's finger accidentally when I was about 5 and still feel bad about it. Don't tell anyone what really happened not like he did it on purpose.

Seriously get some support if you bang on about it, are upset and they pick up on it and you make your dd self conscious the damage you inadvertently wreak will be 10000 worse than a damaged finger.

I remember this op. I posted at the time.
I have a traumatic amputation and a jokes nail as a result. I posted then.
I was bullied at school. Not because of my finger but because if academic aptitude.....

The only incident I recall was when the horrid boy in the class put his chair up on the table ( remember that ? Don’t think they do it any more) and hurt me. Don’t think that was because of my odd finger though he was just mean.

You are projecting your feelings. Please get some counselling or something. You are the one who will make her fearful and self conscious. A false fingertip would be the biggest pain in the arse and draw attention to her finger whilst compromising her ability to learn to use her hand as it is.

I do somethings differently - I type oddly because the nail doesn’t take pressure and the finger doesn’t contact touch sensitive stuff - not a problem. I play woodwind instruments oddly. Again rarely and issue.

As regards bullying. Kids may bully schools will ( if any good ) stamp on it. Of my 3 it was again academic ability at primary but dealt with ... and one of my girls has magnificent sticky out ears that weird “ get fixed” - never an issue.

Tell her very matter if factly the cause when she asks. The l” special finger “ doesn’t help.
I’ve always known “ you were fighting with your cousin at grandmas when you were 2 and the tip got caught in a deck chair. Grandma chopped the deckchair up with an axe she was so upset”
And I remember a car ride with a blood stained tea towel round it. It just is a fact in my life story , like the time I went wibdsurfjng with my dad and got marooned in the freezing lake and thought I’d die of cold , or when my friend Celia had a terrible jellyfish sting on music tour.

I think isbshe is in general a robust child it’s going to be fine and no need for anything . Primary aged children especially are very accepting . And by SS - well she can just say can’t she ? That’s a very long way off .

I do agree with a PP you sound very traumatised by it . It may sound silly to have counselling but I see it as a major investment to try and close the issue out . I can empathise OP

My dd is missing her arm from below the elbow.

I can assure you all a prosthetic will do is get in her way, and draw attention to it. Even for my dd at that age that's all a prosthetic realistically did. Now she's older she has a couple of prosthetics for specific uses, and she uses them just for that. She takes them off for the rest of the time.

We had a talk a few years ago by a leading hand surgeon. He'd damaged his hand as a toddler in an electrical accident.
He said in his experience, both as a child and as a doctor, parents of children who had lost limbs due to accidents (as opposed to congenital, which is what my dd is) felt guilty and their guilt often portrayed in trying to do as much for the child and making the hand look as "normal" as possible.
His experience was the child could then be put through unnecessary procedures and then carried a sense of shame.
He said he was much happier, when he was old enough to make a decision and made the decision to have an operation which removed a useless finger. His parents were horrified as it went against all the fighting they'd done to try and make his hand "normal".

Almost all children choose not to wear a prosthesis (yes, even those 3-D printed ones you see produced with great triumph on the news, I've met lots of children like my dd and I've never met any child who's continued wearing one after the initial delight)

The best thing you can do is be matter of fact. "Yes, you lost your hand in an accident. The door closed on it." She will then mirror your attitude of "it really doesn't matter" back to her peers who will take that on board, and it will just fade into the background.

The other thing just to add in is have you looked at how much a prothesis would cost? You won't (or certainly didn't when I last looked at it) get one on the NHS for a child. They don't (or didn't) do hand prosthesis because their experience is that they get in the way more than anything else.
She'll need it replacing at that age at around every 3-6 months. (dd had a point where hers was more often than that, but I'd imagine a finger one would be a less precise fit. I might be wrong. Even now in her mid teens it's every 6 months). They're unique bespoke items, not something you get off the shelf. Don't know how much a private firm would charge, but it could well be over £1K.

Jokes - damn you autocorrect ! Hooked nail. Here it is.

I understand why you’re anxious, but try not to worry. I have significant burn scarring on one arm (result of accident as a baby) and I honestly can’t remember anyone ever teasing me about it. People would ask questions, but almost always in a respectful way. Children can be cruel, yes, but in my experience not about things like this (I was picked on, but for other things like being ‘posh’ and clever).

Looking at the picture I really doubt the other kids will notice.

Be kind to yourself x

Sorry but no way would I say her brother did it.

And looking at the photo, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Might be hard if kids are doing nail varnish?

Sorry but no way would I say her brother did it.
As long as the OP makes it clear it was an accident and does not blame him I can't see a problem. One of them might well remember it later on anyway. My daughter remembers who slammed the door that injured her finger and does not hold any grudges. The main effect it has had on me is that I am paranoid about anyone putting their fingers in the door jamb and anyone slamming doors.

When I was 9 my best friend accidentally cut off half of her finger with an axe! It was never re-attached and nobody (including her) batted an eyelid.

Honestly, the only person who'll care is you - your DD will be absolutely fine

Honestly, I would leave it. It's not hugely noticeable and I think a prosthesis would be more so. As she grows, it could well become less noticeable. I think children in school will maybe be curious to begin with, but at that age they will just accept it and get on with life. It will be normalised to them. And introducing prosthesis may in fact reduce her function as she is managing well without it at the moment.
With regards to telling her the truth, I definitely would. At a young age so again, it's not a big deal for her. It's unlikely to affect their relationship if you don't make an issue out of it.

Honestly OP her hand looks fine. A short finger due to an accident is really no big deal. I expected worse from your post so I think you are perhaps seeing it through traumatised eyes and not seeing it the way everyone else will - as a minor thing.

A friend of mine amputated half her thumb as a young child in an accident. It was never a big deal and she coped fine. If your daughter can use her hand without a prosthetic then please allow her to do so. Giving her one for how it looks alone could give her a complex about how it looks - when in reality it looks absolutely fine.

I do think the issue is more yours than your daughters. You are carrying the guilt and trauma while she will just grow up used to it and probably not remember the accident at all eventually. Please don’t put your trauma onto her.

My daughter has a scarred hand from an accident as a child. She’s grown to see it as a special mark. Likes to tell people about it even.

Allow your daughter to grow up feeling normal and allow yourself to forgive yourself and let go of the trauma.

Just tell her that her hand got trapped in a door.No one would ever really think about who was shutting the door so don't mention it.
Her hand looks fine,stop focusing on it or she will too.
Get some help ,you seem to have burdened yourself with guilt which most of us would have dealt with by now.It was not your fault,it was an accident and your dad will be fine just as she is.

Starting school is a tough time for parents when it raises all sorts of unfinished traumas and stuff we’ve buried rather than dealt with.

I found it hard and did a lot of putting my brave face on and acting like I wanted to be until it really stuck, urgh! I found it hard, but you have to pretend for all your worth as children can feel when their parents are ‘leaking’ trauma and fear, and it’s awful to have passed that on to them.

What a legacy huh?! Passing on fear and hurt is not what you want to be doing!

So, I did a very tough combination of getting my stuff sorted properly and pretending the rest until it was sorted. You’re ahead of the game because I didn’t realise it was going to be so hard until it was happening, so you’ve got months to get into that head of yours and soothe your brain down from a big mountain into the molehill it really should be.

As a toddler I almost lost the tip of my thumb due to my mother not supervising me properly and as a result it's slightly misshapen and I have some scarring. No one has ever noticed unless I point it out. Looking at your photo (and I'm guessing you wouldn't have posted a picture that minimised the injury) it's clear you have massive issues with misplaced guilt and if onlys...I genuinely had to look hard to notice anything different.

I agree with PPs about just telling your DD that her finger got trapped in the door - telling her her bother's role in the accident when he was just a baby himself serves no purpose at all other than possibly transfer some of your guilt onto him. You don't want it brought up in sibling arguments when they're older.

There was a girl at my primary school who had a deformed hand - her fingers hadn't grown beyond the length of the first knuckle.

I don't recall her being bullied about it at all - in fact, everyone seemed to think it was really cool and wanted to know how she held things etc.

When yourdc are teenagers and arguing it will be thrown in his face.... hence why don’t say it’s her brothers fault

My sister has a significant scar, as a result of something I did when I was a toddler and she was a baby. We've always known what happened. She never threw it at me in arguments or resented me. I've never felt an ounce of guilt. I was a toddler!!!

My kids had a speech therapist with a hand 4 times normal size and they never noticed
They currently have a teacher with one arm - again they never noticed!

Kids are generally nice little people - they'd notice a unicorn pencil case but not birthmarks

My brother had to have a finger removed at a few weeks old as he was born with no bone in the finger. It has not held him back. My mother was concerned re bullying but people do not notice and he has never had it mentioned. More often than not, he brings it up. My son, who is at school, only noticed a few weeks ago and thought it was cool.

I am pretty sure your daughter will be fine and if children notice, they will just accept it. Please try not to worry.

As pp have said if you hadn't said, I would have struggled to pick out what was wrong. In fact I had to look at all the fingers first because it didn't leap out at me. I have a relative who lost a finger in a saw incident and it's never affected ability and you have to really, really look hard at the hand to even notice!

OP it worries me that you use language like "her brother did it" when you talk about the accident. He didn't do anything - he's a child himself and it was an accident. You seem to be carrying a LOT of trauma from this incident and my concern would be how that impacts your children in the future. I really would recommend that you seek professional help to work through your feelings - for your children's' sake.

I have a very good friend with a similar injury, we meet through work about seven years ago. We'd been good friends and worked together for nearly two years before she pointed out she had the tip off one finger missing to the first knuckle. I genuinely had never even noticed. Only get a prosthetic if it is functional.