AIBU?
Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.
Suedenym0 · 29/09/2018 22:37
AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)
My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...
We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.
Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.
DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.
Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.
Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.
It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..
...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.
It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.
I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.
We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.
"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".
When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.
They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.
As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.
On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.
On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..
But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.
My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.
If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..
If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.
I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').
I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.
I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.
doodledott · 29/09/2018 22:40
Do you realise you've referred to your DP as 'they' all the way through but then 'her' twice?
Just in case you want the post edited.
BigBumandMumTum · 29/09/2018 22:40
IT looks like they want to live the single life and that this is a friends with benefits situation rather than a relationship.
Fwb works if both friends want the same but it doesn't sound like this is what you want?
Suedenym0 · 29/09/2018 22:42
I did mean to keep it gender neutral. I didn't want it to be a factor in anything I said... But it doesn't matter.
Suedenym0 · 29/09/2018 22:42
No. I don't want fwb. I wish I did. But I don't.
BigBumandMumTum · 29/09/2018 22:42
I didn't notice the gender but assumed same sex as soon as I noticed you'd said they anyway
steppemum · 29/09/2018 22:44
sorry, I have skim read as it is very long.
They don't ever want you to meet their friends
They want extended time away form you, to themselves
They don't want you to meet their family.
They don't want to do stuff with just the 2 of you.
This is not a relationship, this is friends with benefits.
She is in it for the sex
She is not interested in a committed relationship with you
I am so sorry, but you are pouring your heart and soul into someone who is not returning it.
ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 22:45
I'm finding the "they" really confusing...is they referring to one person or is there another person or couple involved in this? Obviously that would complicate things.
Sorry things are so tough, you sound very down.
LanaorAna2 · 29/09/2018 22:46
You think you're in a relationship. She knows you're not. Sorry.
You're a really nice, giving person by the way - you deserve a whole lot better than the one messing with you at the moment. Go out and find her.
ChasedByBees · 29/09/2018 22:46
They don’t sound committed to you yet if they’re not prepared to let you meet their friends or save any time to spend with you.
ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 22:47
Sorry, I understand now you've clarified.
She isn't treating you with a lot of respect is she? It sounds like your needs are different and she is unwilling to compromise.
Gemini69 · 29/09/2018 22:47
from reading what you have written OP... I feel you have been used as an emotional crutch.. a therapist.. a lover.. a friend... and confidante... but now they are healed... they wish to fly freely
Suedenym0 · 29/09/2018 22:48
Shady.... One person. Sorry for confusion. As said before.. I wanted this to be about the situation.. Not the specifics.. Thank you for replying though.
madeyemoodysmum · 29/09/2018 22:48
I'm really sorry but the grammar makes your post very confusing
reallyanotherone · 29/09/2018 22:49
Is it a gay thing? Are they maybe not fully out or feel uncomfortable introducing a same sex partner?
I think you need to disengage. Back off, get on with your own life, meet new people. Chances are she’ll come running 
. But don’t make any future plans with this person.
BuntyII · 29/09/2018 22:49
Frankly it sounds like you're just a fuck job on the side. Move on.
Suedenym0 · 29/09/2018 22:49
Gemini.. That's sadly how I see it.
They get back soon and want to see me.. Missed me.. Want to make it work.. But I don't know how. I feel broken. 😔
19lottie82 · 29/09/2018 22:50
They don’t want to commit in the way you do. Sorry.
I think you need to accept that or end the relationship and look for someone who wants the same things as you.
beeefcake · 29/09/2018 22:51
Sorry but tell your DP that you won't be around when they get home, and that they can have all the freedom they fucking want because you are out.
Holidayshopping · 29/09/2018 22:52
Why have you said ‘they’- that made it so clunky to read!
It seems that she is not that into you-maybe almost embarrassed by you?!
I would give up and find someone who treats you nicely!
MMKMN · 29/09/2018 22:53
This sounds horrible, so sorry for you.
I think you need to realise your worth, you're worth more than what they are currently giving you. As hard as it is, I think you need to end this relationship to be happier in the long run.
Good luck
19lottie82 · 29/09/2018 22:53
When you’re in a new relationship then you should WANT your partner to meet your friends and family.
If it’s someone I’ve been serious about then I want to show them off while I beam with happiness!
ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 22:54
It's fine, thanks for clarifying.
I had a similar relationship but with a guy. It was really hard but I had to detach from him, as much as I loved him, as I was starting to lose self respect and having to live according to his whims.
Best advice is to start focussing on you. Detach from her, get back into your own things; hobbies, friends/family, healthy living. I started small with reading and walks and spending time with friends with little ones who always made me laugh and lifted my spirits. It was hard but after about six weeks, I was starting to feel myself again. Expect her to promise the earth once she sees you moving on - my ex even started talking about buying rings not long after I started Salsa Dancing lessons lol. Stick to your guns and move on. You deserve better.
steppemum · 29/09/2018 22:54
but now they are healed... they wish to fly freely
this absolutely
lborgia · 29/09/2018 22:55
I'm not sure if there are any nuances that would be different because you are two females*, but if this was my relationship (male/ female), I think I would feel I'd done it on their terms for long enough, and they obviously don't actually want more than they've got at the moment. Which would be heart breaking, but it's not a balanced relationship and your are obviously very unhappy. And imho, quite rightly so. What are you doing whilst they're away? I'd be thinking about what I want from the rest of my life, and planning for that. I'm so sorry, it is an awful position to find yourself in, but you can't say you haven't tried.
Oh, and just had another thought, presumably her family know your exist? This isn't about being out?
- I say this because I truly don't know. I do know that I actually expect More of my female friends than I do men, so know that my thinking is skewed by that.
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