Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.

[Suedenym0]

AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...

We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.

Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.

DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.

Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.

Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.

It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..

...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.

It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.

"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".

When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.

They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.

As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.

On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.

On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..

But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.

My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.

If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..

If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.

I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').

I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.

I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.

That sounds awful and hurtful OP. Your partner appears to be calling you controlling without acknowledging that she has been controlling you by effectively removing your social life. Honestly she sounds selfish and demanding and unless she can see this I don't think this will work.

"I've been hurt and want to take things slow" SHOULD mean the relationship progresses slowly.

Unfortunately, it usually means "I'm not open to a relationship with you at all, but could do with all the trappings of a relationship with you while I wait for someone I really want. But you can't complain as when I said slow you heard months, but I meant never. So don't expect commitment and an actual relationship and if you start to I'll be gone cos I never, ever, nope did not say I was in an actual relationship with you. Don't care what you thought I said."

You can tell I got badly burnt before and am still a bit bitter! Lol

I think you were used whilst they got better... now they feel better you're being disguarded. Move on, fine someone worthy of your love, care and attention.

Well I'm afraid I also think of you as a FWB, and you clearly think of her as much more. You've been incredibly supportive of her, and now I think you need to protect yourself and take a step back. That may make her rethink her stance, but it may not.

Personally I'd be moving on, find someone who really does appreciate you and is proud to be seen with you.

oops I also think she thinks of you

She's using you. And she doesn't love you. Dump her and find someone more worthwhile.

Ok now that you have clarified this isn't a same sex relationship, I think she is embarrassed by you for some reason. I don't know whether you will be able to work this out but I was in a similar situation many years ago and we are now married. We had been together and broke up and then started meeting again but it was all a secret. I eventually just gave an ultimatum and things changed. It's a hard road and one that is very emotional but you are going to have to be strong.

OP - I'm going to be harsh cos you need to hear it. This person does not love you.

You need to put an end to this before you burn out emotionally. Focus on yourself and move on to find someone who wants a relationship where you feature other than for sex.

I'm telling you this from experience. Please, please, please don't let them destroy your confidence any more. You deserve someone who cares for you and gives to you.

OP it's clear how deeply you feel for this person and how much pain you're in. There is nothing you're wanting or expecting from her that is unreasonable or 'needy' however I don't think she will ever give these things to you.

The fact that she is calling you 'controlling, toxic...' for wanting to do things together stands out to me. Your self-esteem has probably taken a bashing and you are doubting yourself. I'm sorry to say she's using you for all the comfort and convenience of a relationship without it actually being one and you're being told you're controlling for not being happy with that.

As PP have said, as hard as is is right now, try to focus more on yourself rather than her and her needs. Whatever you can manage as I know it won't be easy when she's been your focus for so long.

She’s wanting her cake and eating it and if you enable her she will carry on treating you like this. If she really loved you she’d want to be with you more. At the moment you’re convenient but when someone Shem likes more comes along you’ll be dropped. Sorry, don’t mean to sound so harsh.

Finish it now because you’re wasting time with her when you could potentially be finding someone who you’re a better match with.

OP - my dd used to have a friend at school who ran with the ‘cool’ kids (dd was not a ‘cool’ kid). She would be friends with her outside of school but not in. Obvs DH and I could see this friendship for what it was, dd (aged 9yrs) could not.

This is how your relationship is. You are acceptable at home and for family but not for everyone else. Your partner is using you. Leaving you stewing on the back burner whilst she gets on with her life and friends and then coming back to you when it is convenient.

You’d be an absolute fool to carry on this relationship. It will hurt now to break it off but it will hurt a whole lot more for a whole lot longer if you don’t. Not to mention the effect it will have on your sense of self worth. Please, just end it.

She sounds deeply narcissistic, manipulative and unpleasant and your friends are right, Suedenym0. Stop wasting time with a deeply idiotic woman who wants to be "free."

And I don't know why you "trust her" either, since you know so little about a huge slice of her life. It sounds like she is living two lives - a dull one where she acts the "good" girl that her family would approve of, and a headonistic one, where she behaves in ways that those who think she is "good" must not see, and never the twain shall meet.

Exactly what Waltzing said.

Actually, I see it's your family, not her family who have met her! I guess you're more an embarrassing secret, then - hardly flattering. Her behaviour is way outside the acceptable for a healthy relationship.

I agree with your friends.

Are you sure she isn't dating someone else? Regardless, she's been using you and doesn't care about you, sorry. Find someone who deserves your love.

I think you need to wake up to the reality of this one. You are trying to find a way to make her fit what you want and to persuade yourself that she returns your feelings. She doesn't. Surely you see that if you look at the situation dispassionately? Everything she is saying and doing is showing you that you aren't a serious romantic partner for her. You are fun for now but nothing serious. She will eventually break it off with you when she finds someone who she really cares about. I suggest you get in there first, break it off now and then move on with your life.

There is pages of advice but the bottom line is simple:
She does not want to commit to you, and she doesn’t care for you in the same way. if you want commitment she won’t give it to you. You need to break up with her and move on

She could have actively decided to use you while recovering or less cynically she could have changed what she wants as she recovered and gained confidence. She ha either used you intentionally or accidentally. It may be good to clarify this for you to move on. It does sound now she is not in the same place as you regarding a relationship. She seems to want something more casual. Or could be on the look out for the next relationship so wants to appear free and single to friends.
I think you need an open discussion and probably need to end the relationship.
I think it is worth telling her why you're ending things. As it would be easy to get back into something casual where you think she's showing signs she wants more but actually doesn't.

Regarding sexuality or gender my advice would be the same. You deserve to be with somone who treats you well and wants similar things.

They doesn't want to be in a public relationship with you. They doesnt want to admit many things about they's life and you are part of that. You sound as if you deserve a lot better, please look for it elsewhere, I wish you luck.

Hmmm. It sounds as if you bully your relationship on ‘support’.

I have a friend (a really good and loved friend) who does this. When she feels attracted to someone she supports them, going to extraordinary lengths. Then, they remain close friends, but the supported person doesn’t reciprocate to the same extent, and all the ‘support’ seems to take the spontenaity, passion and arc appeal out of the relationship.

So my friend has endless very close friendships, all with people she supports as much as she has fun with, but is single.

Your DP is using you. Unconsciously, possibly, but using you nevertheless.

It isn’t making you happy. That is the beginning and end of it.

You deserve better.

Sorry, ‘build’ your relationship on support.

I still think there is a possibility that she has been doing her best to let you down gently and get away from you, and you are refusing to let her go. Maybe you are a bit of a 'rescuer' and prefer your partners to be vulnerable, needy and obedient. Or maybe you are just a kind person who has been rather taken advantage of.
Either way, this relationship is unhealthy and will only get more so if you continue trying to pursue it. Wish her well and let her go.