Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.

[Suedenym0]

AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...

We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.

Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.

DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.

Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.


Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.

It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..

...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.

It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.
"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".

When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.

They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.

As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.

On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.

On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..

But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.

My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.

If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..

If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.

I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').

I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.

I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.

[cranberryx]

My first thought was that your DP was in another relationship/married to someone else and didn't want her relationship to you to encroach on that.

The later info about going travelling on her own make her sound dreadfully immature. Surely if you are in a relationship with someone than you would want to experience life with them? She sounds like she is using you for sex and the other benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment.

The fact that she won't even go for a meal out or to the cinema? Those are huge red flags. What is she hiding? Not meeting her friends and family after being together a year?

You are not in a relationship and I would get rid as soon as possible.

I would say something along the lines of: "As you are already planning another trip of a lifetime without me, I can see that your view of this relationship is very different from my own. As your partner, I want to experience these things with you. I don't appreciate being called controlling simply for having ideas about having a healthy adult relationship where we can be seen in public together. I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore, as we clearly want different things."

[TheStopAndChat]

The OP was way too long and confusing and makes you sound needy and a little deluded.

She doesn't feel the same as you so you can continue being a doormat or stop being one. You are so 'in love' but what exactly is it about her that makes you feel it's 'love'? Her disregard of you? Her clear message that she doesn't feel the same as you? Her unwillingness to 'go public'?

Nothing's going to change so your choice to keep being used and to keep being and feeling hurt by this

[SnipSnipMisterBurgess]

It sounds like, having emerged from the doldrums, and feeling ready to move forward in life, she means but has not said ‘without you.’ Freer? There’s your clue. She is telling you but is being disingenuous.

It is possible that as you were her rescuer, she truly did need you (or someone) and might now be embarrassed about that chunk of her past. IOU helped her get through something but you are not the partner she wants now.

In going off traveling, finding herself you might say, she’s wondering if she can find someone else. It is cowardly of her not to come clean, but I think you should call it a day, exit with grace, and say this is no longer a relationship that makes you happy. The sadness pours out of your posts.

I wish you well.

[SnipSnipMisterBurgess]

*you, not IOU ^

[BakedBeans47]

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

I think you said it all here x break it off, hold your head high, and try and find someone who deserves you xx

[zen1]

This isn’t a relationship. From what you have written, it seems you feel as if you are living half a life with this person, who is stringing you along. It would be better for your self respect and your emotional well-being to end this before you get even more hurt.

[florenceheadache]

Life’s not meant to be this complicated. “They” are not committed to you. Don’t invest more time into this one sided relationship.

[ReanimatedSGB]

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let her go.

She should have told you, honestly, that she wants to move on. I can't help wondering if you might have made it difficult for her to do that, perhaps by saying you 'don't mind' what she does as long as she comes back to you, or by crying and begging and trying to make her feel guilty for wanting to end the relationship.

Let her go. Before things get really unpleasant.

[LeftRightCentre]

You don't have a 'DP', this person is not a partner. And 'they' is a term indicating plurality.

[lborgia]

OK, well even after the update I’d say you need to leave. and that “but I lurrv her”... ? We see it all the time “But I lurrv him...”. And do you know what we say to that? It doesn’t matter! It does NOT matter how you feel about them. SHE doesn’t lurrv you. She might fancy you, she might like having a bit on the side (whether or not that’s on the side of another person, or on the side of her REAL life), she might be all sorts of things, BUT your responsibility is to yourself.

This woman makes you feel like shit. Stop spending time with her!

Sorry. The same sex thing made me tread more carefully

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Thats what I want to do. Sit her down and talk it out..
Seriously don’t bother. She is far too immature to have this level of adult conversation. It will give her another excuse to call you mean, nasty, controlling and toxic

I’m actually feeling quite cross on your behalf. You need to get cross too. Stop rolling out the doormat and move on. She really doesn’t appreciate you. You’re not a good match. As a pp said she will probably promise the earth. But it will come to nothing.

The way you spoke I thought you were in a same sex relationship. Better to tell people the correct story. We don’t have pitchforks out for men you know.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

And you say she’s not having sex with anyone else and being faithful. I’m not so sure.

[Lalliella]

Why are some people on here deliberately ignorant? It’s obvious that “they” means one person and that OP does not wish to disclose their gender, although does so by accident. OP may be a man for all we know (unlikely because of “mistress” I guess)

OP you sound like a sweet and caring person, who has put up with a lot from your DP. But I’m afraid that it does sound like they’re using you. The relationship does seem rather one-sided. It may be time to let them go and move on.

[maras2]

Your relationship has no future.

[timeisnotaline]

They will go out and on holidays with friends and won’t even go out to dinner with you? And call you controlling when you try and discuss this?
I think you know you deserve someone who wants to do things with you, and cares for you, and this woman is not that person.

[BlueberryPud]

This is tricky. You, OP started out by making a 'thing' about calling her 'they', but then made it obvious she is a 'she'.

So she's a 'she' but what are you?

Please do not tell me that you are a man in a woman's body.

[BlueberryPud]

She is not being fair to you. dump 'her'

[SD1978]

Do their friends and family know they are gay or bi?

[SD1978]

Sorry the update- sorry- she needed someone to fix her, you did. She's fixed and ready to face the world again- but not with you. Wait until she gets back- and then it's ultimatum. Either you're good enough to be involved fully in her life or not.

[Pretenditsaplan]

She used youbas a crutch wheb she was feeling kow about herself and now shes feeling better you have no place in her life. Her next move is to tell you she loves you but shes just not ready to make it known yet. Then itll be crisis after crisis with her friends as to why she cant tell them. In the meantime she acting single qnd looking for a "real boyfriend" your a placeholder nothing more. She hasnt treated you like this because shes depressed shes treated like this because shes a shitty person who doeant care about any one but herself. Move one and get someone who actually cares about rather then using you to make herself feel better about herself and then dumping you when its inconvenient to her to be even vaguely tied down.

[MrsApplepants]

This relationship isn’t going to work. She doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about her, it’s all too much effort. Find someone else.

[1forAll74]

Oh dear, I have every sympathy for your relationship plight, but if you are an adult person, surely you don't need to come on a forum, to ask for help in sorting your personal issues out.

Your post was a trite confusing at first, until you got a bit real. But hope that you will take heed with what most posters have said, and go free, and find some happiness elsewhere.

[SadieLancaster]

She’s just not that into you 🤷‍♀️

[whatwouldyoubelikeat28]

I did this once to a bf, where I was really hesitant about introducing him to friends and family, even though I fancied him a lot and had a great physical relationship. It was a lot to do with the fact that he was actually very conservative/religious and I was not from a family/social circle like that, and I was concerned about their response or even ridicule. I knew my social circle in particular had very disparaging views about religion, even though I was more open-minded. Ultimately it didn't work out. We went on one of those huge 'experience of a lifetime trips together that you want so badly, and it resulted in our break-up, because the stress of travel either solidifies you or it shows you where you don't gel.
Partly because we were culturally very different, and this created huge chasms in how we saw the world. And partly because my misgivings meant I was disrespectful of this really lovely man who ultimately was not a good match for me. And some other reasons, but for the purposes of this thread....
If she doesn't want to introduce you to people, there is a problem. Be with someone who is proud to have you on their arm, who wants to take you everywhere. My ex fancied me a lot too - I was wild and interesting and not like anything he had seen before.
He's now married to a good christian girl who I am sure has no hesitations introducing him to her friends and family! And I have learned to date men of my own ilk, and am seeing a guy who can meet me on my own level, and actually it's a lot more fulfilling.

[Jux]

There is a woman out there who deserves all that love you're pouring out of your heart; it doesn't like it's her though. You will never meet the woman you deserve it you stay with the.one who treats you like shit, will you?