Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.

[Suedenym0]

AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...

We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.

Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.

DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.

Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.

Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.

It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..

...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.

It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.

"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".

When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.

They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.

As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.

On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.

On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..

But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.

My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.

If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..

If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.

I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').

I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.

I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.

You are deluded. You start off with this and then spend the rest of the post telling us how she does not want you to share her life, to go out with you, to holiday with you, to make any commitment to you and that she is now on the other side of the world travelling and plans to do so again.

LTB. You are being treated like shit and are allowing it. You deserve better.

OK. I need to stop the whole same sex thing.
There's only her and I.

I am a man and one of my oldest friends suggested posting on here.
But.. people get caught up about what sex people were in other posts and I didn't want that.

I definitely didn't want to mislead anyone.. But I also didn't want anyone to form an opinion before they read the post (and failed miserably)

I'm sorry to anyone that is angry. I mean every word I say.

I'm in love with this person and this situation is hurting me.

I wish I knew a way to fix the relationship..

You deserve better

My friend isn't old btw. But she does give me good advice.. Even if I don't hear it sometimes.

I'm not angry but my advice to you is the same as it would be if you were a lesbian couple or a straight couple or any other kind of couple. You are not being treated fairly. I am not sure why you love her so much, if you do fine, but she is not treating you well and I am not sure that things will change.

The world is full of lovely people, I'd find one of them if I were you.

It doesn't sound as if this person cares about anyone but themselves.
You really would be better off without someone like this. You might not feel it now because you are as you say very emotional but this is harming your self esteem.
I think if things don't change you need to end the relationship for your own good.
I'm sorry for you, it's not nice the way you have been treated you deserve better. You sound like a very nice person.

Ok, so you're not in a same sex relationship. Honestly it's better to he honest and open if you want advice.

Anyway, if you're both straight, she doesn't want to be in. A realationship with you. I'm sorry.

@Suedenym0 I’ve been in your shoes. I was with someone for two years who treated me pretty crapily. He was always referring back to his past relationship, the love of his life, and couldn't move forward with me and would hold himself back. But was happy to have sex with me use me as an emotional cushion. He eventually distanced himself but I moved to the other side of the country with him and turned down a job that I would have loved for him and ended up with depression, which he then blamed for our break up. Or should I say jumped on as an excuse. But in reality it turned out he had got in touch with his ex. She turned him down and he tried to come back. But eventually I saw sense and cut him out of my life. I was devastated but I got through it and then I met the real love of my life and two kids later here we are.

Be honest with your partner and if they care for you they will listen and want to be there for you and compromise and include you. I’ve always wanted to show off the people I’ve been madly in love with. Not hide them away.

Good luck to you. But just remember you are worthy of love and attention and acknowledgement and don’t deserve to be made to feel the way you do. Don’t cling on just because it is painful to let go. You will be ok and move on.

Oh mate. It is desperately sad but you need to set yourself free. I'm so sorry.

None of this is normal. Please stop before it’s too late.

It doesn't matter that you are a man! There might not be a way to fix it. You might just have to accept she's not the one for you. There are loads of emotionally available, good, exciting and attractive women looking for a decent man like you. Why are you settling for this shit? How can you be crazy about someone who thinks so little of you and makes next to no investment in you? That's not love...you deserve better.

Focus on you. You'll find someone better if you step away from this person. You might miss out on them and lose a huge part of your life if you waste anymore time on this woman.

it really doesn't matter what sex you are, the fat still remains, she just isn't as in to you as you are in to her.

You know it is rare that threads like this are so unanimous. In that sense you have a clear response. We are all saying the same thing, you deserve better.

She is walking all over you and treating you with a lack of respect.
Being in love with her isn't enough. She isn't in love with you.

You sound nice OP, you sound like you would make a great partner. Go and find someone who wants what you want

PS OP loads of people will post having read your opening post and not being sure if you are a straight or gay couple, and then some will read updates and will be thinking you are a lesbian couple.

So either you need to ask Mumsnet to change the title or accept you will get a lot of posters who have not read your update!

I know they are faithful. It's the kind of person they are. Theyve never been unfaithful to anyone, ever.

I'm not worried about that... But I FEEL like I'm the mister-ess... So to speak.

hmmm, no this person is using you methinks, sorry you deserve better, she isn't ready for a committed relationship. Its harsh but honestly don't do it to yourself, find someone who is willing and ready to share a balanced life with you, this is not fair on you at all, you have tried to say how you feel which hasn't made any difference, so don't put yourself through it.

She's not emotionally available. You can't change that. You can only change what you do.

You feel like the other man because she's not choosing you.

You aren’t in a relationship and my advice would be to move on. She’s not going to make you happy.

The idea you’ve never been out alone together is just bizarre actually.

Sorry you are having a rough time. I think you may have been used by this lady to get her through a doing time. Your relationship worked in that bubble.

You provided emotional support during a rough time and now she is feeling stronger she is moving on.

THat is really unfair and she has been cruel, possibly without truly recognising it. I have a friend who lost her husband and had a very intense relationship very shortly afterwards. They guy moved across country to be with her, and it got her though a dreadful time in her life. Once she started to recover she left him. The poor guy felt very used. I think this sounds very similar.

You need to have a frank discussion. Don’t let her fob you off. If she is moving o, you need to move on too.

They want to make it work? Yes, but only on their terms and in a way which suits them. They won't be held back by anyone EVER but it's ok for them to hold you back? Seems to me they want all the comfort and security of having you sit at home and wait for them to come by when they need to but without any of the shared responsibility and commitment that goes into making and sustaining a relationship.

You may not want or want to be a friend with benefits but you ARE a friend with benefits. I don't want to hurt you OP and I'm not being mean but this person is never going to make you happy, or indeed anyone else happy, because they are too self-involved - it's all about them - and you are too far apart in your expectations and needs.

Male mistress? I smell a rat. Whatever it's not going anywhere.

No rats. I've been honest.
I even cleared up the whole same sex thing.. Even though I thought I'd get flamed.

I don't lie about relationships.. Only to myself, it seems.

My first thought is that she's either married or living with someone. I know you've said you've met her family, but I've known stranger things than a family accepting someone's lover, especially if they don't like the person partner. If someone doesn't want to go out in public with you, it's generally because they're worried that you will be 'seen' together and someone they don't want to know will find out.

But regardless, to coin a phrase (not) "She's just not that into you". She has used you to get over her heartbreak and now that she's over it she doesn't need you anymore. She wants you when she wants you, and when she doesn't she wants you to stay out of her way. You are a convenience. Not very nice. Or healthy for you.

Sorry to be harsh, but this situation will end up destroying a little bit of your soul and a lot of your self esteem. How do I know? Been there, done that. Not the married part, but the being used to get over heartbreak part. It was so painful when I realized how I was being used. My advice is to get out before you're hurt any further.

I don't think your DP is necessarily treating you horribly. But there is a big mismatch between her wants/needs and your wants/needs. If this problem were going to resolve itself, you'd have seen clear signs of things moving forward.

You've waited a long time. Not only is she getting no closer to becoming your actual partner, she seems to be heading in the opposite direction. She wants freedom while you want a relationship.

It's time for you to let go and find someone with whom you will be compatible.

Sorry this is breaking your heart but if you keep going back the pain will only get worse and you will end up resenting this person.

You need to cut this person off and start dating new people.

They want a fwb relationship and that is only healthy when both parties are on the same page.

I promise you once you meet the right one for you - she and this whole situation will be a distant memory! Go out and enjoy yourself - do the stuff that you enjoy!

She has been using you. Get your self-respect back and dump her. Why would you accept a relationship with someone who won't even be seen out with you in public, let alone make any kind of commitment?