Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.

[Suedenym0]

AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...

We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.

Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.

DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.

Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.

Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.

It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..

...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.

It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.

"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".

When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.

They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.

As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.

On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.

On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..

But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.

My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.

If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..

If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.

I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').

I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.

I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.

‘They’ to indicate the singular non-gender-specific has been used for decades FFS. It’s not clunky when you’re used to using it, and is far less weird than using ‘him or her’ every sentence. It’s called the evolution of language.

OP, I think you both want pretty different things here, and she is definitely showing you what she wants through avoiding social situations with you, even if she isn’t being totally upfront about it.

Well I was going to say that it sounded like she wasn't fully "out", but now that you've clarified that you are male, that's not it.

Is there a big age difference? Is there any other reason you can think of that she would be embarrassed to be seen out with you, or to introduce you to her friends? Is she embarrassed about her friends?

With my first boyfriend, he was a bit old-fashioned and didn't like clubbing, or dancing, or parties or things like that. He was a bit difficult to take along to things - I particularly remember one party he didn't want to go to, but I persuaded him, and he sat in the party venue the entire time with his coat on. I stopped asking him along after that - but at least I had tried. Another party I went to, he came and picked me and my friend up and she said later it was like being picked up by my Dad! He was only 2 years older than me as well. I did a lot by myself, and with other friends, because he was too restrictive.

Now, I'm not saying that you're like that - but do you recognise any of that in yourself, or would you be happy to do all those things and it's just she's not letting you?

I do think you need to sit down and have a chat with her about what you both want, in terms of future relationship but also in terms of how that relationship should be - if you're a complete homebody and she's a party girl, then you may not be compatible anyway, so that's something you need to consider. But you won't get anywhere unless you talk plainly and openly about what you want and your feelings about how you're currently being cut out of most of her social life.

You need to be strong enough to:lay your needs on the table at this point. If she can’t work with what you need from the relationship, then you need to break up.
If you continue to dance to her tune, you’ll be very unhappy.

You’re her backup fuck buddy and she’s gaslighting you. Sorry.

Block her number while she’s gone and start getting on with your life because literally every second you spend thinking about her or waiting for her to behave like a decent partner will be a waste of your time.

This is never going to turn into a healthy, long lasting relationship. I understand that you are in love with her, but she is using that to her advantage. Unless you make the break, she will keep you like a puppet on a string, there for her convenience. She may tell you she loves you and cares for you, but her actions say very clearly that she doesn’t.
Sorry to be harsh OP but I’ve had a friend who was in a similar, cruel relationship for years. She is now in a good relationship with someone who finds being with her more life enriching than being apart from her. That’s the way it should be.

It sounds like she's embarrassed about you for some reason. Maybe you're very different to her friends, maybe in some way you don't measure up to the image she wants to project to the outside world. Either way it's really shit for you.

I agree that she doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you but likes the security / convenience and is too scared to break up.

Do her friends even know you're together?

Are there photos of you both on your phone /social media etc if you use it?

How is your sex life, or is it more cuddles?

Its sad yove been used to heal and now she is healed she has realised that she doesnt want a relationship with you. My DP did something similar actually at the start of our relationship, he had this mini crisis where he suddenly thought he shouldnt go from one serious relationship to another. His freinds and family were saying he was young he should take his time to be single work out what he wanted out of life not jump into another serious relationship. We split he slept around a bit came back said hed made a mistake and I ignored him for months.
We did eventually work it out and are now 10 years and 2 kids later but it still smarts. I tell you this as I think he had a mini life crisis. I let him go he came back. Maybe try this but you have to be able to cope with the fact you may get hurt in the process

Do her friends and family know she's gay?
I know you didn't want the fact that you're in a same sex relationship to influence how we respond, but it sounds to me as if she might be trying to hide the fact that she has a partner who is female.

Her at number 7 OP is a man, they are straight.

This is not a relationship. Move on OP.

RTFT people...
OP is a man. DP is a woman.

As upsetting as it is, she doesn't want a relationship. You're being treated badly - please don't let it continue.

When you are in love with someone you WANT to spend time with them. I really feel she has been very self-absorbed and it's all about her needs, which sadly don't include you as more than someone reliable in the background. If she truly cared about you she would include you in her life more. It's all making excuses for the fact that she doesn't want to be doing things together with you. I hope you find the strength to pull away from her as I do not believe you both want the same out of life at all...you need to have a serious conversation about it and truly listen to what she is telling you by her words and actions.
By the way, gender plays no role in my advice as we are all just human, wanting to feel loved and connected. I wish you all the best.

Are you spending money on her?
She is clearly using you for something. She's made you fall for her and isn't reciprocating. So what's in it for her?

Sadly I think you are a FWB, OP - if your dp cared about you s/he would not keep you hidden away like that. I would be outraged, frankly - you are being kept on the side. You deserve more.

I am assuming this is a same sex relationship and either she is married or friends and family do not know she is in a same sex relationship. Either way it is not fair to you if you want an honest relationship.

"I am a free spirit" = "I will do what I please regardless of you and you must not complain about it".

You deserve so much more than what this woman can give you. You seem so focused on what she wants and making her happy that you've allowed what matters to you to be cast to the side. You need to call time on this. Sadly, she appears to have used you to pull herself back up and now is looking for more, but from what you've said, you don't seem to be included. What would your advice be to one of your friends or family in this same situation? Don't settle. Don't put the best years of your life into someone who's on a different track to you. Don't let this woman make you feel like you are 'toxic and controlling'. You aren't. She's scared of commitment by the sounds of it. Be brave and walk away.

"And 'they' is a term indicating plurality."

I think that there's nothing to discuss.

Accept that you both want different things & use this time alone to start moving on now.

OP, is your girlfriend much younger than you ? It appears she still wants to spread her wings and fly. Maybe she isn't ready for a family yet.
You say the sex is good, it's possibly, what draws her back.
You sound like a nice guy, but I can tell you for sure, that sadly, you're not on the same page.

This all sounds very familiar to me - I was in a similar situation for 12 years. What a fool I was.

The person I was with had an incredible ability to pigeon-hole the various aspects of his life - home, work, family, friends, even specific family members. I was with him throughout my 20s and in that time we went on holiday just once, he never showed particular interest in my life (I lived away for some of the time), and there were friends of his I never met even once.

The situation will never change - this is how he is. He's now married and there are mutual friends of ours who have never met his wife in the 15-odd years they have been married.

I understand how painful it must be for you - it's baffling how people can be like this when you love them so much. But you can't change her, I'm afraid. If you can, take a deep breath and move on - it'll stave off any future hurt . Iwish you well.

In your shoes I would end it ..I would feel used ...but I'm not the type to allow someone to jerk me around ,so that might not be the right thing for you....I guess if you weren't happy with how you were being treated you would end it?

OP, let go because your relationship is not going anywhere. I appreciate your heartbroken but you need to move on.

By the way you do not need to hide your gender on here; and your original post was very difficult to read.

She’s being a selfish twat and inconsiderate of your feelings.

LTB.

To be honest, I don't think sitting her down for a talk will help at this point. You won't change her. She's already decided what she wants and expects from your relationship. If you don't want the same things, then it's time to reconsider. And you have done all the heavy lifting in the relationship, so it's time to pull back.