Hello please. Long post. Friends think im crazy.

[Suedenym0]

AIBU?
(Sorry, long post.. Get a cuppa)

My DP and I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and for the most part, things are great. They are supportive and kind, thoughtful and funny.
We have a bond that is incredibly strong, we trust each other, sex is amazing.. In short, we're crazy about each other.
However...

We met a couple of years ago, became friends last summer and started dating not long before Xmas. They asked to go slowly as they had been hurt by someone. I was more than happy to let them dictate the pace, so they would feel comfortable and happy.
They went through a dark patch at that time (something I have experience of myself), so extra support, or space, as required was no issue.

Then, a couple of months ago, as they started to get better, they started going out.
No problem?
Well.. It is, but please let me explain why - before you judge.

DP hasn't wanted to go out, so we haven't. We cook for each other, watch TV together, have occasional meals with my family together.. But never, ever is it just the two of us or her family, or her friends.

Initially, when they started to feel well enough to go out with their friends again, I suggested that it would be nice if I met them some day.. (I've never tried to invite myself to a particular day (or night) out, but want to be included in their life).
So I was really happy for them as they started to live life again... But i never got an invite. DP said that they want to start doing couple-y things, but slowly, because the idea freaks them out... This has gone on for a few months now.
Then, one day, they say that they don't know if they ever want to have me meet their friends.

Because of the shifts and commitments we both have, it means that we have every other weekend to do things together, but we can't... They always say.. Oh, so and so fancies doing xyz that day..
I've tried asking for a date in the future to try and fit in, but if I give notice they say that they are to freaked out by the idea...
I feel like I'm being squeezed out.
I'm at the point where I resent women and men who I've never met and who I should have no feelings about at all.

It came to a head about a month ago and we very nearly split up. Agreed that we needed to start doing couple-y stuff together... But we couldn't just yet, because..

...Not long after we started dating they booked a trip. A once in a lifetime, month long, grand tour kind of thing. Right now, they are on the opposite side of the world, going places, making memories, partying and having fun with a group of people they only met a couple of weeks ago.
Just BEFORE they left, before they had even gone, they said that they want to do this again. Go away, for extended periods, on thir own and that they "feel freer" on their own. That they were meant to be a free spirit.

It upset me, a lot. I feel like I've helped them through a dark time, asking for nothing in return but a relationship with them and now they are getting better I'm no longer needed.

I feel like I'm just a mistress, handy for sex and cuddles, but not for anything that would make lasting memories.

We inevitably had a fight. I said that I thought it was unreasonable that they would plan another trip of a lifetime, before they've even been on this one, when we haven't even been out for a meal on our own yet (we have been to the pub. Once).
DP said I was being controlling.

"They will not be held back by anyone... EVER".

When things called down, I explained that I wasn't trying to control them, or demanding that we live in each others pockets... Just that the relationship has got to the point where it will go bad, if we don't let it grow.

They said that they can't move forward and don't know why, that they need more time to build up to it slowly.

As they are on the other side of the planet, there is an uneasy truce because we NEED to be face to face to discuss this.. If we aren't, one miss-typed or misread comment will cause another row. One where one of us will probably end things.

On their side, I can see that their request is reasonable. They want to go and enjoy life, and (quite rightly), they don't want to feel like they should have to ask permission.

On mine, I want the relationship to be on solid ground before they start even taking about going away again alone.
If things were stable and they wanted to go for a week every now and then.. I don't think that's unreasonable..

But using almost their entire holiday allowance and budget, to do nothing with me and go no where with me and to then completely exclude me.. It's hurtful.

My dream would be that they would one day want to go on these amazing trips together. I know that this might not ever happen, but I dont want to feel like I do right now. Sad and used.

If they go and I don't, I'm just left at home. I stay a mistress to someone with no other partner.
If we go at different times, the relationship is going to be difficult.. Who wants to choose a relationship where the other is away by choice. It's not like they are in the forces..

If we both go away at the same time, it just seems silly not to experience the world together.

I desperately want it to be me and not strangers that they make memories with. They again said that going alone makes them feel free (I pointed out that they aren't alone, that they are going away with an organised group..
They said I was 'being mean, nasty, controlling and toxic').

I want to feel like I'm important to them..and right now, I don't. Not even a little.

I know some (or a lot) of you may be about to tell me that the relationship has no future.. But PLEASE don't be mean. I really do love this person with all my heart and you'll hurt me as well.

Stop thinking of them as your Dear Partner, start thinking of them as a casual friend with sex on the side.

If that's not what you want, dump them and move on. You've only been together for less than a year, don't waste any more time on a friendship that is going nowhere.

Apologies about grammar.. They, she.. Etc
I just wanted a fresh perspective and I'm a bit emotional about it all :(

Apologies, massive x post!

I think you have done plenty and it is their turn to step up.

If they turn up wanting you back let them know they will have to woo you so to speak. If she wants to talk to you let her take you to a restaurant and there you can tell her that you are either part of her life or you can’t date her.

You can still take it slowly and date properly.

My first thought was that she doesn't want to introduce you to family and friends because they don't know she's in a same sex relationship.
Even if that's the case, however much you love her, she isn't treating you with the same love and respect.
Maybe carry on living your life and enjoying until she comes home? Limit the checking in on her social media and keep your sanity intact to be kind to yourself

I’m so sorry op but you sound like the rebound relationship. The one some people need after they’ve had their heart broken to feel validated and worthy. It’s all about them in that relationship. Your role is simply to make them feel better about themselves with little thought to you and your feelings. And now the hurt is healed they realise what you really are and that they don’t want a relationship, but are too cowardly to say it. As in reality they will do to you what has been done to them. Which no doubt leaves a sour taste for them. I’m sure they are hoping if they push you away enough you will end it and exonerate them of responsibility.

I’m so sorry, but from what you’ve described it does sound like this relationship has little promise for the future. I would have a serious chat when they get back and pour your heat out like you have here. Maybe even convert your post into a letter. If you get the same old rhetoric and no change in behaviour then I think you have your answer.

Sending . It’s a dark and lonely place to be, I know. Feeling for you right now.

If your lover was a man we would all be calling him all sorts.

You sound like a decent loving person OP and you deserve a lot better.

Sometimes, even when you love someone, its best to walk away.

It just doesnt sound like the right fit.
I think they are treating you badly and I think you should let go of them.
For whatever reason they cannot give you what you want.
It sounds like this is chipping away at your self esteem. Dont let them use you as a comfort blanket they can come back to when they need to.
A relationship should work both ways and you should be on the same page.
You deserve better than this.

It's all on her terms and she's using you. She actually doesn't seem a very nice person at all. Is this who you want to be with?

In practical terms you're living separate lives and she doesn't want to go away with you. Not really even a friendship if she treats you so poorly.

The they thing makes it really hard to read - I've not seen massive issues with same sex relationships on here so not sure it's necessary (and in itself makes it obvious from the first 'they', only ever used in that context, apart from the competitive tiredness threads!).

Honestly gender/sex irrelevant here anyway, unless the reason she is hiding you is down to not having come out to friends and family? Either way there doesn't seem to be much respect on her part, why are you hanging on in there like a dirty secret? I'd say cut ties, move on, find someone who wants to shout from the rooftops that they are with you and can't wait for you to meet their family/best friends/old Uni mates etc. That's what love is - not these crumbs you're being offered...if you take a long hard look at the situation you must know that too?

I find myself wondering if DP is actually a he and OP didn't want to hear 'he's a man, he wants to stick his dick everywhere, LTB'

I think you've very gently been broken up with. I'm sorry

i would give up on her while she is away and never go back.

From reading your post, I wonder if your "partner" had come out to her friends and family? I am thinking she wants to keep you a secret forever and just use you until the right fit comes along. I think inevitably this is going to be painful and I would walk away now as there is going to be no happy outcome for you. I am sorry you are going through this and I know it's not easy but there is somebody who is much more deserving of you out there.

You sound lovely OP but it appears as a PP said, now she’s healed and you’ve got her through her dark times she just wants to live the single life, and I would feel incredibly hurt and used.

Play her at her own game, go out, make new friends, take up new hobbies and make plans with new people who value you and deserve your friendship, and don’t be so available for her.

If it was meant to be then she will come back, if not then you’ve got new friends, new hobbies and a new life without her!

Good luck xx

IS the gender thing relevant though, OP? Are you both gay females who have had previous gay relationships? I think it's massively relevant in terms of understanding what's going on. If she's a woman who was hurt by perhaps a bad marriage and then got involved with you as her female friend who was supporting her, that puts a totally different slant on it.

ReadySet.. Thank you... That's what I want to do. Sit her down and talk it out.
I don't mind that she wants to go away occasionally.. But I do really mind being cut out completely. I am worth more than that..
But.. I'm also crazy about them.

Urgh! It's all so messy :(

(and.. I've met the family, as her dp.. But never outside the home.)

They? How many partners are there?

I also wondered if she was out to family and friends, but I'm not actually sure that's relevant. Whatever her reasoning, she's not actually having a relationship with you, while letting you pour your all into a relationship with her. And you deserve better - there are loads of lovely women out there who will want to shout how awesome you are from the rooftops, and have great holidays and do all the stuff you want.

Go find that woman! You deserve to be happy.

How have you ended up lowering your standards SO much. What are YOU getting out of this relationship? You'd be better off alone I'd tell her to stick it. Horrible, selfish - treating you like absolute crap.

Are you sure she's not having an affair or you are the other woman? Sounds very much like this to me...

OP I am sorry this is so hard for you but I really feel this person does not care for you and you are wasting your time with them. Please find someone better, I am sure you deserve it.

(PS Their calling you controlling is taking the piss, they are in control, maybe they do not feel it, but I think you feel it.)

People, the OP has already clarified its about one person and the use of they was to keep it gender neutral!

Yes, it's a bit difficult to understand but RTFT and try and have a bit of sympathy!

I'm a little bit confused, but if I've read this correctly, OP, I think your girlfriend isn't as into you as you are into her.

You're right, these conversations are best done face to face when you're in the same country - but it sounds like you are putting off the inevitable. In recovering from her issues, she hasn't just got back to 'herself', she's become someone else and that someone else isn't as strongly attached to you as you hoped. When you come out the other side of something big, you don't always grow with someone, sometimes you grow apart. It's sad - rightly so - but it's not wrong. That's just life.

Wanting to do couple-y things when in relationship and meet the other person's friends and family is not weird. What you want out of a relationship is perfectly normal and I sincerely hope you find it - but it sounds like it will be with someone else. Don't let this experience make you think you should settle for less.

Are you sure there isn't someone else? All this never meeting anyone sounds a bit secretive to me.

Op, is she fully out? And is she gay or bi?

The first I ask as she may not wish her friends and colleagues to know she's gay, the second potentially she may be looking for a different kind of permanent relationship if she's bi.