Am I too strict on my 11 year old DS?

[AlfiePup]

11 year old DS is allowed 1 hour a day on the Xbox 4 days a week, plus another 2 hours to use over the weekend. He is CONSTANTLY asking for more - asking to be allowed it in the mornings, asking to be allowed more time etc. We have a password set on it which only the adult know as he would undoubtedly sneak onto it when he could otherwise.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day and he's just told me he hates his life and wishes he wasn't here anymore. He's used up all his weekend time on the Xbox and "has nothing to do". None of his friends are out playing - they are all stuck inside on the Xbox!

I don't want to alienate him from his friends but equally I am aware that the Xbox is addictive and does negatively affect his mood.

AIBU - am I being too strict with him?!

Does playing games indoors negatively affect his mood, or does getting the xbox turned off after too short a time to actually play a significant amount of a game negatively affect his mood? Might be worth experimenting. Multiplayer games generally last at least 40 minutes per round, and single player story games easily 60+ hours.

I built a lucrative career out of playing games on a ZX Spectrum for hours a day in the early 80s so I'm predisposed to letting them get on with it rather more.

If you've set rules and boundaries, it's essential to stick to them otherwise you risk being seen as moving goal posts or a push over however, how about letting him earn extra time maybe? Do x activity outside and get an extra hour or do such a chore to get more time? Alternatively, ask him if there's a friend he'd want to invite over to play (not Xbox!) if his issue is all his friends are on it too. They could go to a park, go out on bikes or something I'm sure. At 11, I was okay with cycling to the park behind my house :)

I would be inclined to let him have more over the weekend, and agree that earning it would be a good way.

What would annoy me is the constant asking - if you have said no it means no and continual asking for more would make me take time off!

I don't think that's too strict, but don't you have anything planned to do with him instead? You say it's a lovely day so take him out somewhere even if it's for a bike ride etc

I don’t think 1 hour a day is much to be honest. Depends on the game. Sometimes it takes a while to get into a game properly, he probably just gets started and then it’s time to turn it off.

I don't tend to be strict at weekends as my children are busy all week with school, clubs and sports (including weekends as it happens) so I know they're getting their other activities in. They're outside a lot walking/running/exploring too. Xbox comes on some weekdays but not every, then weekends they're allowed to choose if they want it to just wind down, chill out.

There are quite a few secondary students whose social life is built around online gaming so he may well feel excluded from this by your strict time limits, however I’ve also seen the negative impacts that excessive gaming can have on these same students.

I think having time limits is an excellent idea (and a cut-off in the evening well before bedtime), but 2 hours over the whole weekend does seem very restricted.

If he wants to spend longer periods than an hour during the week so he can really get into a game, maybe you could negotiate that this can happen if he agrees to a couple of X-box free evenings? And maybe more time at the weekend.

I'm fairly relaxed with Xbox time at home as we go out quite a lot. For example, this morning, we've been to swimming lessons, done the food shop and then this afternoon we need to go into town and then out with some friends for dinner at the local pub.

At the moment we're all home, DD is drawing/playing with her stationery, I've just put a wash on and am now mumsnetting with a cup of tea, and DS is on the Xbox.

I find that if the day is broken up like that, and they're doing other things, then time limits for no particular reason cause more trouble than they're worth.

I think the amount of time in seems fine tbh . You could be a little more flexible about how he uses it (less in the week, more at weekends) maybe? Ultimately though you need to decide whether you're happy for him to spend every waking minute on there or not.

Personally I'm not happy for mine to live their lives on line so they both have hobbies. We also do stuff as a family (walks/board games/tv/swimming). If they complain about being bored on top of all that they get given chores to help with (on top of their regular ones) so they dont tend to complain much.

@AlfiePup my son is 6 and already having this issue I only let him on it Friday & Saturday now for an long as he wants until we go out or whatever but when he's older I think I will consider letting him on aslong as he's been well behaved at school, done his homework and done a chore around the house, I don't think extra time is a bad thing aslong as they are good kids x

If it's taking over to the extent that it's all he wants to do id get rid of it. 🤷‍♀️ I really think that people with addictive type personalities shouldnt have access to consoles........it's like sending a gambling addict to a casino and telling them they must not go over budget

When something takes hold of your child's life like this it's time to remove it. It sounds extreme but his behaviour is extreme. Believe me he will be better for it. I know from experience. All that energy and attention needs to go somewhere. Replace with something enriching, music, sport, craft, clubs, photography, cooking. Actually interacting with people face to face.

I think that is totally reasonable.
I would however say he has 2 hours at the weekend but if he NEVER asks for more at ANY point he is allowed 3 hours. Then you get the bonus of no whining and he gets the bonus of a little extra time.

Stick to your guns. He’s still having 7 hours of gaming a week.

I restrict during the week but they can do what they want at weekends as long as homework and other practical stuff is done. I think you’re too strict yes and you’ve made Xbox a huge out of reach treat. I understand why but maybe time to relax things a bit.

And we dont have time limits.

But equally if we're going out / baking / doing an activity etc ds comes off. He knows that if he stopped living his life to be online then the ps4 would be in the bin.

I think you may be a little too strict. Mine have an hour a day and longer at weekends. I use to be really strict but in hindsight I don't think I was being fair. They communicate with their friends whilst they are playing and it's what they enjoy doing. They have hobbies, we go out as a family and homework has to be done. Everyone is different so there isn't really a right answer. Good luck

7 hours a week?

It's a really difficult one as although my kids are on the PS4 a lot, I do drag them off it and make them go out and about. However when they go and call for friends or head to see who's in the park, there's nobody there as they're all online gaming!

Girls seem to be different and are often hanging round the park or shops but not the boys so much. I'm torn between switching it off for a week or getting with the programme and leaving them to it as it's clearly what boys do now and how they interact outside of school...

I think that you could allow him a bit more time, but not too much.

I know kids locally who spend all weekend on the xbox and don't want to leave the house and unfortunately the parents just let them.

Could you invite a friend round to go somewhere with DS so that they spend some time out of the house, then allow them to play games together afterwards once the friend is back home?

I think during the week, once he has done all games, homework and it is not right before bedtime, you could allow 1.5 hours, then double it at the weekend to say 3 hours a day, as long as you are not going out somewhere.

But that would be a deal done with him on the understanding that he gets out of the house and does something else to earn the time. As with everything in life, finding the right balance is the answer.

Is it just gaming people restrict like this? What about other hobbies?

@BertrandRussell The fact it's a hobby is why I choose not to restrict at weekends. I also let some (not huge amounts) of pocket money get spent in games. This seems fair to be honest, and then it's not all going on sugar!

I find that my children understand there is more to be done during the week with activities and then reading, playing board games together, helping in the kitchen etc and that they can play their Xbox games at weekends more freely. It gives them a reason not to complain and moan about it during the week. I also find that on weekends, once they've had enough then that's it, they can self regulate and it goes off. Usually a couple of hours at a time is enough.

I think if they didn't turn it off freely, after maybe 5 hours of continuous play, I might say something about it. Let them know it's good to take a break.

You’ve said yourself none of his friends are out playing so what do you expect him to do outside by himself? I think 2 hours on the weekend is harsh. As a pp said, with a lot of games you really can’t make much progress in an hour. Every kid needs boundaries but being overly tough can do more harm than good.

My son's friendship group use the X Box to socialise. They chat, play Fortnite and other games together. In my day we physically met up, these days a lot of socialising seems to be done electronically, so via WhatsApp groups, Instagram as well as the X Box. Having said that, my son doesn't get a huge amount of free time anyway what with his hobbies, homework etc so if he chooses to spend a whole evening on the X Box I'm not too bothered as I equate it to going round my mates' houses when I was his age.

We've never imposed limits but rather made sure that the DC have other things to do so that they physically can't spend loads of time on their console.

During the week between after school activities, homework, eating etc, the time that can be spent gaming is fairly limited.

at weekends there is again homework, plus household chores, plus weeither organise a family trip out or encourage the DC to meet up with friends.

If there's not really anything for DS to do (and 11 is too old for "toys") then the console is just an easy default. Just look at the number of adults that insist on going onto their phones every time they as much as have a 2 minute break between things! Also, restrictions by number of hours don't really fit with online gaming - if he's half way through a game he'll resent having to turn off. If you want to impose restrictions maybe "number of games" is a better one.

Gaming is specifically designed to be addictive, Bertrand, and without restriction can severely impact on other activities like sleep and getting a good education.

And it’s not just gaming. I’ve told my classes before how apps are designed to keep them coming back, and signing in regularly. Streaks in Snapchat, notifications when someone comments on your instagram. FOMO is huge. They don’t realise it’s deliberately designed like that.

Other hobbies don’t tend to work like this.

An hour during the week is PLENTY. I would probably allow 2 hours each day at the weekend, rather than over the whole weekend. But I would also be planning other things to do at the weekend, inviting friends over and so on.