Am I too strict on my 11 year old DS?

[AlfiePup]

11 year old DS is allowed 1 hour a day on the Xbox 4 days a week, plus another 2 hours to use over the weekend. He is CONSTANTLY asking for more - asking to be allowed it in the mornings, asking to be allowed more time etc. We have a password set on it which only the adult know as he would undoubtedly sneak onto it when he could otherwise.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day and he's just told me he hates his life and wishes he wasn't here anymore. He's used up all his weekend time on the Xbox and "has nothing to do". None of his friends are out playing - they are all stuck inside on the Xbox!

I don't want to alienate him from his friends but equally I am aware that the Xbox is addictive and does negatively affect his mood.

AIBU - am I being too strict with him?!

At 11 I'm quite happy for my son to be in his room chatting to friends from school on the Xbox rather than crossing busy roads in the city to get to the park where the teenagers hang out. He goes swimming' plays football, has family outings. Why can't he play some games too?

My ds is 9 and would play all day if I let him. He isn’t allowed screens mon, tues or Thursdays after school but we have to actively entertain him at first then he gets used to not playing on games.
Games are addictive and my ds has an addictive personality as do I! So it’s better to keep it restricted than give him free reign

All depends on the kid. Some are good with it, some not so good.
What I would say is that the parents impose all these daft rules - eg heavily restricted game time, banning them for weeks on end for minor indiscretions - are ALWAYS the ones who end up with a problem kid IME; or the ones whose kids start smashing games etc. I know of one parent who has banned her kid from fortnite for 2 months because he want over his alloted time or whatever. Utterly, utterely bonkers (and no doubt she will be sat on her own smart phone all night).

Good parenting OP, So many parents don’t bother and just let their kids play what they want for as long as they want and then com0lain the kids don’t do anything else. It’s lazy parenting.

I had the same type of rules as you but with a more generous weekend allowance.

I’d up it a few hours at the weekends. TBH if he is active otherwise I’d raise it to something like 3 hours on sat and 3 hours on Sunday. Perhaps I’d tie it in with completing chores. Also, I’d make sure he knows that if it effects his behaviour then I’d cut his hours.

Managed properly online gaming can be social and can be great fun.

My 12 year old doesn't have a games console at all, and for three months has had a total ban from phone or PC. He's now got his laptop back for homework only for a month and may then earn an hour a day.

He is totally unable to self regulate, and earned a ban for inappropriate DM content. So until he can police himself, we'll be doing it for him

My ds isn't allowed on at all during the week but is allowed on whenever he wants at weekends but knows he has to come off if we need to go anywhere or do anything.

I’m a big gamer, and a big reader too. Grew up with being allowed unlimited time on whatever I wanted.

I’m a doctor now, fully functioning adult with DH and Holstein. And I’ve preordered red dead redemption 2

Imagine if during your childhood, your mum limited your reading/listening to top of the pops on the radio time to 1 hour 4 times a week and 2 hours at the weekend! It would feel so unfair and unreasonable.

I’d let him have 1 hour per school day, and either 4hiurs/day at the weekend or unprimed Saturday, nothing Sunday. Agree it would need to be eRnt with chores/good beahviour, and taken away as a punishment.

I’m very much an indoors geeky person, and being constantly forced out of the door to ‘play’ would have been very stressful for me as a child. I did go about at times, especially with friends, but that was when I wanted to/had something exciting to do. Just aimlessly wandering the streets/local park is not better for children than playing fortnight IMO

CMOTD you sound like a complete control freak 👍

I think you're very strict, DD 11 gets 2 hours a day total screen time, which in reality is spent on YouTube, she doesn't watch TV anymore.

I think thats really strict.

Holstein = children
Unprimed =unlimited

... and I bet you are ensuring your son’s formative years are thoroughly miserable. Well done 👍👍

CMOTD you sound like a complete control freak

This is harsh. Every child is different - some can happily game for hours with no emotional/behavioural repercussions. Some have complex needs and gaming exasperates behavioural issues. Great for you that you can judge like that. Some of us have kids that cannot handle hours of gaming/any gaming because of how it affects their behaviour.

I don’t think an hour a day is enough. You know yourself how quickly an hour goes by when you are on the Internet.

Times have changed. My 11 year old never watches tv. She prefers x box and YouTube videos.

DorasBob. C’mon though, you are hardly typical, being allowed to play online games whenever you want isn’t going to work for your average child. The OPs kid is only 11.

You were probably allowed unlimited time because you also had an interest in other things such as reading.

I think overly strict limits on games is along the same vein as parents who never buy their children ‘rubbish’ i.e pogs, Pokemon cards, hatchimals etc and instead buy them sensible things like birdwatching books.

Ultimatley gaming is a big part of the culture of modern day children. It’s the most ‘up to date’ part of entertainment, and children miss out socially if they aren’t part of it, just as they suffer socially if they are in old fashioned clothes that parents have forced them in.

We are in a digital age, the moral panic around games is equivalent to the moral panic about women reading in the Victorian era.

It might be difficult to understand why your son is so obsessed, but think back to your childhood: did your parents understand why you were so obsessed with take that/ a Mr frosty/ whatever the big thing was?

And what's the solution? Let your child have full reign. It's not putting rules in place is the reason we have a society which think they can do what they like.

My 11 years old is not allowed on the PS4 during the week. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday he can go on it. No more than an hour and a half on each of those days.
So no I don't think you are too strict at all.

PartAnd - yeah, I loved reading as well, would spend hours reading in bed. And listening to books on tape - I love audiobooks now.

I was very much a non active, loves culture child. Boundaries were there, I.e I had to share the gamesconsoles with my siblings, had to come down for dinner, had to tidy my room.

I think my parents took the line of: your lessors time is yours to do what you like with, but if you don’t meet our expectations in other areas you’ll be in trouble, I.w doing homework/chores.

What’s to be gained from extreme restricting of activities? It sounds like the OPs DC is spending most of his time moping and upset he can’t do what he wants.

My son is also 11. I tend to set limits aound when he can go on his xbox, i.e. not before school or after 9pm. He usually plays out after school at the moment but spends the rest of his time doing homework, playing xbox or watching YouTube. I also set parental controls to limit who he can talk to i.e. friends only (real life ones). He plays a couple of hours in the evenings and longer at the weekends. Sometimes he is on there 4 hours, another day only an hour or two (if we go out). I also monitor the age ratings, he isn’t allowed to play 18 games at all( I am aware some of his classmates do).

He plays with friends much of the time and this has expanded friendship groups and I love to hear them planning and working together. He has a lot of fun with it. It isn’t all bad. I think yabu OP. An hour is no time for some of these games. It could also make people not want to play with him if they get so far with something then time’s up!

Vickister - but it’s not letting him do what he likes if there are rules and boundaries in place. But he should be allowed adequate time to pursue his interests in his own time, even if those interests aren’t what his mum would choose for him.

I’d hate it if someone said I couldn’t listen to audiobooks or bake cakes because they didn’t approve, and had to go walk round a muddy field or pester my friends at the weekend instead. It’s not learning self regulation if someone else is regulating you!

My ds gets no gaming time on school nights, and one hour Saturday one hour Sunday. BUT he is kept very busy with activities. School nights hes doing homework or after school clubs such as Taekwondo or swimming. Weekends he's out with us walking the dog, watching local rugby team, playing in a school match, meeting up with friends.

Those saying unlimited time does no harm to their kids, well fair enough but kids are all individuals aren't they? I'm sure OP knows her child best.

I don’t think it’s dnough time to play properly. Don’t get me wrong I dislike these games loads, but there’s a big social aspect to them if he’s playing online with friends using a headset.
I think he could needs more time on it at weekends, if you keep all other boundaries in place, ie homework done, chores done, keep playing sports.
I’ve got similar boundaries for DS13 in place, but he does spend a lot more time on it than 1hr in school nights and 2 hrs at weekend.

Sorry the auto correct has gone mad, hope you can make sense of it!!