Am I too strict on my 11 year old DS?

[AlfiePup]

11 year old DS is allowed 1 hour a day on the Xbox 4 days a week, plus another 2 hours to use over the weekend. He is CONSTANTLY asking for more - asking to be allowed it in the mornings, asking to be allowed more time etc. We have a password set on it which only the adult know as he would undoubtedly sneak onto it when he could otherwise.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day and he's just told me he hates his life and wishes he wasn't here anymore. He's used up all his weekend time on the Xbox and "has nothing to do". None of his friends are out playing - they are all stuck inside on the Xbox!

I don't want to alienate him from his friends but equally I am aware that the Xbox is addictive and does negatively affect his mood.

AIBU - am I being too strict with him?!

We don't allow any during the week but are more relaxed at the weekend. Means he gets a good run at it at the weekend but it doesn't get in the way during the week.

@noble Very wise words. Balance in all things. Whilst I'm happy for my son to spend an evening on the X Box, that's after all homework and chores are completed and a sensible (some might say draconian) bedtime is still imposed.

It’s banned during the week at our house - although only my 11 year old DS is interested. The 15 year old (also boy couldn’t care less). He’s allowed 1 hour on a Friday and Sunday night and 2 hours on a Saturday, but in reality he does get a bit more. Yes it’s a hobby, but it had a really negative impact on his mood if he was allowed free access. It was either severely restrict or get rid. We have signed him up for other hobbies (which he does enjoy) to keep him busy.

I really really disagree what just because they want to do something a lot and it’s hard work to stop them, that we should just give up and let them have as long as they want. I can see literally no positives to prolonged online gaming, and many negatives. I’m not making a moral judgment, this is just based on what I witness with my DS.

So in short OP, YANBU, if those time limits work for you!

So, in total, you allow him 6 hours per week on the x-box? And only at the times you say, in the periods that you've arbitrarily decided are appropriate?

I take a very different stance. My 12yo son is allowed on the x-box (within certain time limits, i.e it switches off at 8pm) as much as he likes as long as:

• he's done his homework

• he participates fully in family life (e.g meals at the table, family trips out, bike rides etc) without whinging or moaning
• his room is tidy, clothes put away
• he participates in his sporting activities (term time he does extra curric. football and rugby plus fixtures etc, holidays I expect him to do something "active" daily - e.g. swimming/bike ride/kicking a ball around at the park - even if its just half an hour or so)
• generally he acts like a pleasant, fully functioning member of the family (e.g helps out if asks, is polite and chatty, not rude etc)

But after that - he's largely unlimited. That way he learns to manage his own time use - play games to the end etc. He has learnt not to start a game too close to the 8pm shutdown for example.

In fact, using this method, he often doesn't use the xbox at all weekday evenings, but tends to have a whole morning or a whole afternoon weekends and holidays. Most importantly, though it teaches him that the x-box is just one thing in a range of stuff he wants/needs to do, and he's learning good balance and self control. Strict random limits without reasoning behind them tend to just make kids crave more and more as they're not learning how to balance their lives, and as soon as they are able, they will rebel against it and binge.

I'd personally have no xbox during the week and then a few hours at the weekend. Every kid is different though.

I think you are too strict, especially on the weekend if he has done his homework etc.

But every household is different.

mrsm43s I completely agree!

Could he be being teased about it at school? If other parents are less strict then he could be embarrassed in front of his friends if “mummy” is telling him to log off mid game (and in multiplayer games you do rather let down your team by doing that). I also think that too tight restrictions mean kids don’t learn to self regulate. Personally I would give him free reign at least on the weekends, but equally plan stuff to do outside of the house as well, so it is naturally curtailed.

Is he allowed to swap TV time for game time? If he wants to play, why don't you say he can have an extra hour but that means no screen time on another device. So he can play but then needs to do something active.

It's not a 'hobby' I'd encourage

Could he earn extra time by doing chores/school work?

Too strict. I don’t have time limits for DS and he can play it when he wants as long as homework is done. He’s only been gaming for half an hour today so far. This is Mumsnet though so gaming is regarded as evil

Well DS (7) has a busy sporting schedule in the week and on Sundays (but still squeezes in a bit of tablet on those days!!) so on Saturday we tend to either have a down morning (tablet all morning!) or even down day!! (tablet nearly all day!!!) Works for us!! (But then he's v v active the rest of the time (football, running, cycling, swimming, etc...) so I know he really needs some chilling hours!) :)

It's a sign of the times op.
I have this discussion with my ds a lot and tell him about the "olden days" of the 90's when I was a teen.

My ds is in year 11 and 15yrs old. He self regulates his Xbox usage to an extent as he is very sensible and like others, uses it to communicate with his friends from school who are dotted about all across the borough.
He has got tons of homework, coursework and revision at the minute so hasn't been on it very much lately but last night he had a night off school stuff and was up until 12/1 on Fortnite. He has a brilliant room so I don't blame him for wanting to be in there.

He goes to football every week, the gym 4 times a week, has a club he attends and participates in family life. I see no problem with it at 15. 11 is a bit different but an hour a day isn't much.

I would let him earn extra 20 minute segments to use at the weekend (but he can save them so as to play them all at once, 20 minutes is barely enough to get going) by doing chores. Sit down with him and work out a list of chores he wouldn't mind doing. Write them down on little squares of paper and laminate them, or write them on lolly sticks, and keep them in a jar. When he feels like earning some more gaming time he can choose something from the jar, just make sure he checks in with you before doing anything. Here are some suggestions:

Cleaning the car (inside and out)
Sorting laundry, putting a load on, pegging a load up
Cooking a family meal, including the cleaning up afterwards
Vacuuming
Doing a top-up shop at the local store, (maybe he could cycle there to make it quicker and more interesting)
Picking up a bucket of litter in the neighourhood
Doing a load of ironing
Raking leaves in the garden, or weeding
Cleaning the bathroom
Emptying all the bins and putting them out for collection

I would also nip his pestering in the bud by cutting 10 minutes off his allotted time whenever he asks for more. He should learn pretty quickly! Make it very clear to him that's the deal though.

MRSM has it spot on.

You're being too dictatorial. Poor lad.
They chat on head phones and you're probably making him feel left out of his circle of friends. You can't play properly for an hour. He'd have to have military quality timings to coincide playing with a mate who is online.

Ease up.

Too strict for the weekend

You wont get far on a game in 1 hour. that would annoy me. What games does he play?

YANBU...OP if it makes you feel better, DS never had an XBox. If he wanted games he had to meet with friends and that meant he was interacting, socialising and getting out and walking. It also meant he read books, played music, watched movies, and went out to the park, museums, etc with us. He's 16 now, a happy teenager with an active social life and plenty of resources to kill time. IMO the hours you're allowing your DS right now are perfectly decent. More and more studies are showing the importance of boredom during childhood.

I hope this isn't a drip feed but originally I let him have free rein and hoped he would self regulate as it wasn't a "forbidden" thing. He was on it constantly. He would happily spend all day CONSTANTLY on it if he could. He stopped wanting to participate in other activities / go to his dad's house.

So I banned it altogether for a while and now we've worked back up to these times. I thought this was fair, he doesn't.

@littlemisscomper

Your post is one of the most depressing things I have read on here in ages. Like being in the army. Do a million suggested chores to get a couple of extra hours on your console? Way to create utter resentment and rebellion especially when they're older and you can't actually tell them what to do anymore.

Those saying that kids need to learn to self-regulate are being naive. Sure, some kids might self-regulate, but expecting kids to be able to self-regulate against an industry designed to keep them logged on is too much to expect.

Look at adults addicted to their phones, many saying that they can’t self-regulate. And yet you expect an 11 year old to be able to do it?

As a teacher, even this week I saw the effects of unregulated game time. A kid turned up to my lesson completely useless, couldn’t concentrate: up late at night gaming. I’ve had kids fall asleep in lessons because of it.

Incidentally, If you are saying that the games go off at 8pm, then you are strictly regulating game time compared to many.

banned on some days and limits on others sounds better. Say 6pm onwards weekdays, a little longer on weekends. That way he can arrange to play alongside friends.

I agree with restricting the Xbox at night as know plenty of teenagers who are up all night playing and can't function the next day however, 1 hour seems a but too strict to me. I would let him use the Xbox until maybe 7pm, then bath, wind down and bed. However, I would be tempted to put him in a club and encourage other activities particularly over the weekend so he doesn't spend the full two days glued to the console x

Ds is 9. He gets 2 ho u rs on Sat and 2 on sun. It's on the tv I..the living room and it's all I can bear. He loses 15 m I'm.s every time he hinges about coming off.

I have to battle daily with kids addicted to the backyard things and I'm terrified of ds going the same way.