Am I too strict on my 11 year old DS?

[AlfiePup]

11 year old DS is allowed 1 hour a day on the Xbox 4 days a week, plus another 2 hours to use over the weekend. He is CONSTANTLY asking for more - asking to be allowed it in the mornings, asking to be allowed more time etc. We have a password set on it which only the adult know as he would undoubtedly sneak onto it when he could otherwise.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day and he's just told me he hates his life and wishes he wasn't here anymore. He's used up all his weekend time on the Xbox and "has nothing to do". None of his friends are out playing - they are all stuck inside on the Xbox!

I don't want to alienate him from his friends but equally I am aware that the Xbox is addictive and does negatively affect his mood.

AIBU - am I being too strict with him?!

I loved gaming. I was an only child and my mum and dad bought me an Amiga at 5 and a PC at 11. I used to play point and click games on my own and my mum played Tomb Raider with me! I'm now married to a gamer who made a career out of it. Friends and I used to all get together and play MarioKart which isn't much different to online gaming now.

Unfortunately growing up gaming was quite a male hobby so there's a whole generation of women my age who bang on about Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto and call every console a PlayStation. They also oftenmoan about football.

It's a great hobby/downtime activity, especially for an only child. I won't particularly want my child to be hanging around in the park of the town centre where we live with a load of older groups of kids just because there are no "screens" involved and it's outside. I wasn't allowed off our road on my bike as a kid because it was straight onto main roads. I can't imagine how annoyed I'd have been if I were told I was allowed one episode of Buffy or Dawson's Creek a week and no more TV - pretty pissed off I think.

I think the time limit on weekends is too harsh. The hour on weekdays is fair enough though.

the moral panic around games is equivalent to the moral panic about women reading in the Victorian era.

No, this is not a reasonable comparison. There are lots of reasons to be cautious around online gaming - the potential for grooming if friend lists aren’t carefully restricted, the absolutely vile way some gamers talk to each other, the way the light from screens disrupts sleep, the way it seems to affect some children’s mood, cyber bullying, the addictive nature meaning some people forego self-care to keep gaming, problems in games spilling over into real life, skin betting...

And I grew up gaming. My kids love gaming. But we are careful about it.

I really think outside of school sports etc are your friend here, if affordable.
My dds, though slightly younger at 10 & 8, do football, taekwondo, swim club, ballet, acrobatics, drama, brownies, can't remember others.
It means I don't give any thought whatsoever when we're in the house to what they're doing. If they spend an entire day watching tv (they don't know about Xbox/PlayStations yet) one Sunday, it's all fine, as they would easily go a few weeks another time without mentioning it, eg if we're out at a dance competition.

Gaming is not just any hobby, it's very very addictive. Games companies test new games to check they stimulate the addiction centres of the brain enough, it's not an accident that kids get obsessed.
I think the weekends can be looser OP, 3 or 4 hours over the 2 days, but I'm fairly strict too. I Always have been and if there are tantrums it's the 1st thing to go, so ds sticks to the rules on the whole.
Now he is having the problem that when he calls for friends to go out and play football they just want to be in on fortnite, and I wish their parents would be a bit stricter tbh.

I played games as a kid too, and was addicted to Sonic on my Game boy as a teen so it's not about panicky middle aged women who don't understand. Lots of us grew up in the 90s and now have teens. And actually middle aged women are a big part of the gamer market now!
I play FIFA and some other games with ds, and they are not too bad, but some games are not only very addictive bit also very violent and I'm not ok with that. I'm not a "cool mum". And yy to the online aspect noble

DorasBob
What’s to be gained from extreme restricting of activities?

I don’t think posters are suggesting ‘extreme’ restrictions are a good thing though. There’s a healthy sensible middle ground where you can monitor and restrict your kids gamining depending of the kids age and personality.

Having no restrictions at all for your average 11 year old is generally a bad idea. Gaming is different to other activities as it often more addictive. Many of the games are purposefully designed to be addictive and you are rewarded for playing excessively. Throw in the fact that plenty of lazy parents allow their younger kids to play adult games then it’s hardly surprising that some kids are overly obsessed and can get frustrated when they play.

It takes me about 1 hour to get immersed properly into a game I'm playing. If he is playing online games like Fornite, Fifa or Call Of Duty. That is only about 5 matches before he has to turn it off.

I played games as a kid too, and was addicted to Sonic on my Game boy as a teen smile so it's not about panicky middle aged women who don't understand

Haha, too true. My kids are all in their twenties and I’ve got consoles older than some of them. DD2, 21 was born after SuperMario 64 was released (US) .....guess what I did during that pregnancy. 😂

My mom didn't set a limit on me and my brothers Laptops/Gameboy's/Xbox's and Playstation's.

We could play until the sun came up if we wanted, but if we were exhausted the next day for school/college? Tough SH*T, we still had to go.

After the novelty of staying up all night wore off, we soon learned how to self regulate.

Given his footballing activities and the fact you don’t get home til 6pm I think an hour per night in the week is absolutely fine.
I do think the weekend restrictions are unnecessarily harsh though. Maybe he could compromise and only spend 3 weeknights on Xbox, and ‘save up’ the two extra hours for the weekend.

My son doesn't really get on his PS4 during the week. I'm much more relaxed about it on the weekends. He does football training 4 times mid week and a game on Saturdays. I feel he is active enough and can have some down time over the weekend. I'd still much prefer if he was out though. He's 10.

we have quite similar rules (more play at the weekend though) and similar angst. The thing I find difficult is that a year ago all the children played out in the street and did cycing/football and then fortnite happened and now there is no one to play with - so he has to play on the xbox to chat to his friends. Which is fine, but there is a place for exercise and I find that the longer he plays the crosser he gets

Thanks for all your replies, it's been really helpful. Wasn't expecting so many and I've taken it all on board.

I think I'm going to relax the rules a little at weekends, on the understanding that it will be reined back in if there are any behavioural issues or rushing through homework in order to get on the console quicker!

Good plan op!

2 hours only at the weekend is very little imo. No harm in 2x 3 hour sets.

2 hour sets rather

If he has a new game he’ll want ro play more. If a fortnite battlepass has just come out he’ll want to play more. There would be weekends he could do more, and then less the next weekend, surely?

My DS is 9yrs and I don't set any limits on tech use. He's doing very well at school and reads for about 2hrs at bedtime.
I personally don't think you should try to control your child to such an excess.

Actually, I think you were doing the right thing.

Lots of kids NEED to be ‘bored’ to make them spend their time better. It’s all too easy to default to the Xbox (or console/game of choice).

If it was me I’d stick to what you were doing, but he loses 15 minutes each time he whinges about ‘it not being fasssaiiiir’.

He will be far more creative with his time when the console isn’t the default and whinging gets him nowhere.

FWIW I played Sega Master System for hours at a time and developed RSI that has troubled me on and off ever since, so nearly 30 years now.

I wish my mum had pulled the plug on me. I was out and about in the day time but stayed up late weekends playing it.

We’ve got a WII but DC doesn’t use it very often.

Mmmm I think too strict I think. If it’s age appropriate games he’s playing then I don’t see a problem. You use lots of brain power and problem solving skills during game play.

In my opinion, being a kid is all about playing games and having fun whilst you can. I remember lots of fun memories being a child of playing games on my gameboy and PlayStation. As an only child, I spent a lot of time playing games and loved it. It’s never done me any harm and eventually I grew out of it.

Personally imo, it’s better to have him inside where you know he’s out of trouble and having fun than him being out doing god knows what. I’m not saying you should give him total control but 2 hours on a weekend is pretty tight. I’d extend it and enforce rules eg no playing after Xpm, sit down with family for dinner. Make sure school work etc is completed before playing.

Way to strict, what your actually doing is torturing the poor child. Just enough time for him to realise what pleasures you are denying him

Instead of denying him gaming time why not insist he does other things. eg if he does regular exercise/physical games, homework/achieving well at school, does all his chores & adheres to bedtime etc (aka the perfect child). Then whatever time he has left is his to do with as he pleases.

Better you dont allow him to play than just teasing him with an hour here and there. You really cant have a proper play of a game in 1 hour, how frustrating is that.

If your that strict then stop him playing games in the week and allow him a lot longer at the weekend. Computers are the future present, its where people socialise, learn & have fun.

I'd get rid of the Xbox

I used to say no gaming during week then be relaxed with it over weekend but obviously it came second to any activities/chores then too. The kids all had physical hobbies each week too. If the children know that you don't budge during the week then you get a lot less whining. Too much negatively affected my son's moods.

What other PP said is true, if all his friends are on it as well, then what other activities are there he can do? Do you have things planned to do with him? It's not really fair to make him come off it but then have nothing else for him to do all weekend if his friends aren't about.

Weekday, your limit it fine. Weekends perhaps relax a little.