Am I too strict on my 11 year old DS?

[AlfiePup]

11 year old DS is allowed 1 hour a day on the Xbox 4 days a week, plus another 2 hours to use over the weekend. He is CONSTANTLY asking for more - asking to be allowed it in the mornings, asking to be allowed more time etc. We have a password set on it which only the adult know as he would undoubtedly sneak onto it when he could otherwise.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day and he's just told me he hates his life and wishes he wasn't here anymore. He's used up all his weekend time on the Xbox and "has nothing to do". None of his friends are out playing - they are all stuck inside on the Xbox!

I don't want to alienate him from his friends but equally I am aware that the Xbox is addictive and does negatively affect his mood.

AIBU - am I being too strict with him?!

I think my 11 year old would move out if he only had 2 hours! Doesn't he have loads of other things to do when not allowed on?

It's a difficult one. I strongly believe that the xbox is contributing to kids feeling depressed and unmotivated when spending too much time on it. The problem is that this is how kids communicate nowadays and if they don't have access they really feel left out socially.

I absolutely hate the xbox and wish I could trow it away but I think my son would struggle with his friendship if that was the case. All the mums I speak too complain just the same so ai suggested getting together and all agreeing to the same hours to go on it this way they would need to go out to get together. They thought it was a great idea but when i pushed it through none went along with it.

I think you're doing the right thing but allowing a few more hours would show you're listening to him.

I allow a lot.
2 hours during the week, unlimited at weekends.
But there are rules. Both do football 3 times a week, plus dodgeball and going to the gym twice a week. No x box till all homework and all jobs have been done( bathroom cleaned, all clothes put away etc).
Seems to work.

Just to add that whilst I allow ds to self regulate over his Xbox time, it is off at 10pm on a school night. He's allowed to have music on after that to relax.
He's up for school at 7.

Friday and Saturday there is no cut off.

I agree with CarolDanvers. I’m really not a fan of chores to earn treats at all, certainly not as regimented as ‘Do X to get 20 minutes’. My older dc have chores because they’re a part of the family and they are expected to help out...it’s a basic, not an extra to earn a treat for.

I have an 8 and 10 year old who both enjoy their Xbox (Fortnite).

Our rule is they need to ask permission before turning it on and that if the answer is no then there’s a very good reason and whining, moaning, bitching, crying, pleading or otherwise making a fuss will result in that No being made permanent for the rest of the day. Seems to work. We regulate it without having to be drill sergeants.

OP if you think you are being cruel then so must I be.

My daughter is not allowed media weekdays only a Saturday, Sunday's is used for homework and family.

She asks and has even used he "my life is not worth living" for which she is now receiving counselling.

Do not let the emotional blackmail get to you.

I agree with the PP who said that as long as they also have other hobbies, the X-box doesn't bother me too much. My ds12 plays football twice a week plus other sports clubs at school until 4oclock. If he then comes home, has tea, does homework and then goes on the X-box, this is fine with me. If he was on the X-box 24/7 I would of course worry but as this is not the case I don't impose any time limits other than normal bed time rules - he has to turn it off an hour before he goes to sleep so he can read, draw etc...

Tricky one as I have a DS aged 11 who is a Fortnite addict. During the summer he became a nightmare however it was like having a remote play date. Him and his friends would agree a time to log on and all speak to each other whilst playing fortnite as they all had headphones with a mouthpiece. . Starting secondary school stopped the discussion. He doesn't play during the week as he doesn't have the time. He tries to get his homework done by Friday so he can play during the weekend and even that is an issue as he plays rugby for school and a club. I don't mind him playing for a long time at the weekend as long as he has no homework and goes to bed at a reasonable hour. The games are addictive and there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting some controls on the length of time they are on it....

Beaverhausen interested to find out how old your DD is?

Sounds like he needs another hobby, something to get him out? Our DS isn't allowed gaming during the week usually, maybe an hour on a Friday after school if we're not at the park or at at friends. He gets around 2 hour on Sat & Sunday mornings, from when he wakes at 7am till we leave the hse around 9am for sports, he has a lesson at 9,30am on Sats and plays on a team on Sunday mornings.
We have a no screen rule at all on weekday mornings, including telly.
Our kids are used to this and tend to get on with other stuff, playing, reading etc.

My DS used to be on his Xbox all the time playing games, I've never restricted him other than making him go to bed at a sensible time & getting his homework done. Now as he's getting a bit older he reads, goes out with his friend for a coffee & a walk, listens to music or watches films & TV, he also spends time researching things he has learnt about through his gaming as he likes games built on real life events like the cold war, which has done wonders for his GCSE history.

Yes I think you are being overly harsh but agree restrictions are needed. What are his other hobbies? My ds12 is allowed no xbox at all in the week but pretty unrestricted at the weekends - in reality weekends consist of playing rugby/training for rugby/meeting friends/doing homework/going out on his bike/coming out with us so I suppose it's restricted without him realising it!

1 hour a day?! My kids were gaming every day for hours after school. As long as homework was done, it was there time to use as they please. They all turned into successful adults.

I think you're being really strict. Kids work at school for hours, why can't they enjoy their free time and weekends?

Also meant to say no phones/iPads/Xbox after 9pm

I've always given ds free rein on xbox and at 14 in the summer he probably plays 10-15hrs a week. During winter this increases to 15-20hrs. We get the email from Microsoft family every week to show how long he is on and off it looks too much we start suggesting things to do instead (without mentioning the xbox)

Currently we have agreed as long as he is doing on average 1hr of homework/study on school nights, various physical activities (2 x footie, 2 x core fit training classes, 1 x 1km swim, homework exercises given out by training classes), 30min-1hr reading for pleasure as requested by school, sits with us for dinner, light chores and keeps room tidy and is in bed lights out by 10:30 on a school night he can do what ever he wants in his additional free time.

He splits his free time mostly between going to local team football matches with friends, out on bike/playing footie with friends, playing xbox and watching you tube.

I don't see much difference between watching TV for 2 hours vs playing xbox talking to friends for 2 hours. The trick is to help him find things to fill his time and develop interests away from xbox rather than restrictions and leaving him bored at home just wanting more xbox. When ds was 11 this meant a lot of running about taking him and friends places (get their mums details and organise with them directly or if never happens, the other mums will likely be happy to collaborate/lifts to get theirs out too) or going to matches etc with him until they are old enough to go alone, but has been worth it and they usually organise themselves now.

All families and children are different of course but I really don't like the concept of rules in households.

I've never had any rules, not restricted what my children do in any of their activities and they are all well balanced with a wide range of interests.

Fortnite is a craze like any other and childhood crazes make for bonding with peers and shared memories in later life, did you not have any obsessions as a child?

It's nice to be able communicate with friends outside school if they don't live near enough to play with imo and I'd say my youngest learns at least one new word a day from Fortnite, I'm don't know how it happens but I'm always being asked what words mean these day.

For me your way is way too strict but no doubt you'd think I'm far too easy going

Given what you say about him not self-regulating & my DS at age 13 is similar YANBU. When they can't see beyond it as the only thing they want to do with any free time then balance/perspective needs to be restored.
Agree with everything NobleG has said.

What are his other hobbies?

We are a huge family of gamers. DH and I have both been gaming for over 30 years, so it's only natural that DS would love gaming too.

Even so, he's only allowed an hour on a weeknight, once homework and music practise is done. He also has one sport hobby and one music hobby that takes up from 9pm til 4pm every single Saturday. These are his choice and he completely wants to do them every week.

He needs downtime too. He's allowed two hours on a Saturday evening and three on a Sunday morning before we go out. He'd love more on a weeknight but we tried it and he was moody and tired, so an hour works for us.

We have a rule though. Any moaning AT ALL at having to come off when the time is up, results in a ban for the next day. He now doesn't moan at all, it's worked out very well. We are lenient too sometimes as if he's in the middle of an online game and his hour is up, he's allowed to finish it.

Gaming can be addictive but it is also a great hobby. It's social, it's good for dexterity and problem solving and has many other cognitive benefits. If a child is becoming addicted, more stringent rules are needed and they need to be stuck to. Moaning results in a ban here, so he doesn't moan. It's pretty simple really.

DS is the same age. He plays for social reasons and as he has ASD his paediatrician has said social gaming us a good thing for him.

I don't generally allow it on weekdays - I don't get home until 5 and the console is password protected. DS also has to make sure homework is done and then any chores. After that he gets free reign on weekends. I did allow him some time on a weekday the other week as he's bern on a school trip with plenty of outdoor activities and no devices at all for several days.

Basically I live by getting done what needs to be done, then your time is your own. So as long as we're taken care of and the house is tidy I can bingewatch game of thrones and read MN, I don't see why those rules should be different for him.

DS is, however, very good at self regulation. I dont think it would work without that!

He plays football three or four times a week - usually once at an after school club, one training session with his out of school club and one match. That's about it for his hobbies - football and Xbox. Occasionally playing out on his bike but his friends are rarely out, sadly.

We don't get home til 6 so I think an hour is about right for weekdays and that won't change. He has to be off by 8.30 latest and then has half an hour to wind down before bed. It's the weekends I was wondering whether I'm being overly strict with.

I think your a great parent

It's often easier to give in to your child than let them have what they want to just to save an argument. If all parents were like you then your son would be out playing with his friends. So he feels hard done by because his friends parents unfortunately don't have your attitude.

I worked in a children's mental health hospital and we have kids with American accents (British) who became so addicted to these games they hadn't left their homes in 2 years.

On the other hand this is the generation of today and although we don't agree with it, stopping him will isolate him. I don't know what the right answer is but I was thinking that perhaps putting a system in place so he can earn more time but also help around the house and curb his boredom? E.g. cleaning the drains and mowing the grass earns him 30mins?

I have an 11 ds who also loves gaming. We have times when he’s not allowed on it rather than when he is. For example he’s not allowed it between 7-8 in the morning during the week so he participates fully in breakfast at the table and then gets ready for school. He then gets about ten minutes on it before he has to leave!
We also make sure he is kept busy with clubs etc, walks the dog with us, and has friends over. Other than that we leave him to it without major issue (that’s term time, holidays are a battle!)

I think as long as they have other stuff going on, eg footy, it is fine for them to be gaming lots of hours. In fact, when it is clear that the majority of kids these days are online gaming, and that this is how many of them socialise (ie chatting to their mates online) to apply strict limits (or, as some tyrants do, not let them play online at all) is really harsh - adtually, it is bordering on abuse IMO.

Sounds perverse but maybe let him have a bit more time at the weekend if he has a friend round. DS will have a friend for a sleepover & they will play more xbox but they will also wander into the garden to kick a ball around. I'll give them some money to go buy sweets but that means 25mins walk each way to the shop.

I would give him more time at the weekend then, sounds like during the week is about right. So agree a deal, if his room is tidy, clothes in the wash, homework done etc, that he can have say 3 hours each weekend day, but with a break if that is what you want.

I know kids who literally spend hours on the damn things, and the parents don't stop them. I don't agree that is how they socialise today, it is not social to spend all day shut in your room even if you are talking to friends whilst gaming. It can be part of your social time, but certainly not all of it.

It is down to parents to stop their DC spending hours on them, to judge when it is affecting their behaviour and remove them. I know kids who have broken tv's etc in anger because they are losing a game or can't proceed. That shows it is not healthy to be spending so many hours on it.