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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether I should let friends pay?

198 replies

AliceRR · 28/09/2018 21:43

DH and I went out for dinner with my friend and her boyfriend who I have met once but who is very nice.

She suggested an Italian place not far from us and we went there. It was really nice and we had a lovely evening.

We’ve only all been out together once before and that was when we were out at a restaurant for my birthday and everyone paid for themselves. Otherwise she and I usually go out the two of us and just split the bill down the middle.

They both somehow forgot their wallets and she did let me know about half an hour before we got there. She said we don’t have money so will have to transfer it to you.8 said ok that’s fine.

So we went out and then I paid for all of us (I had already agreed with DH I would pay for us!)

Anyway they mentioned in passing my friend transferring the money to me but not blatantly so I didn’t say anything but she will probably text l and ask for my bank details.

It occurs to me I should say that I should say it’s fine, we’ll get this one, and hopefully they would get the next one. But I feel like she’s the kind of friend who would forget(!) and he might just not know as he probably just expects she’ll transfer it to me.

I am 20w pregnant and saving up for mat leave so don’t just have money to throw away plus they probably earn the same as us between them.

What do you think?

I have her money earlier this year for an event that was cancelled and she didn’t end up paying for. It was not a lot, about £10 and she forgot about it. The last time I saw her (June maybe) it came up and she was apologetic and said sorry she forgot I’d given that to her and would sort it out next time but presumably forgot again. Tonight was more than £10 obviously...

That’s what makes me wonder if she’d just forget...

OP posts:
Pinkprincess1978 · 29/09/2018 21:43

They both forgot their wallets? Sorry but I smell bulls**t - don't let her forget like the £10. In fact I would message her to 'confirm' their share and to suggest she adds that £10 to what she owes.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:46

@PinkPrincess1978 It was slightly odd and you can pay for things /withdraw money using your phone these days but like I said I think she’s honest I just think she can be slightly unrealisable. I don’t know him well at all but he seems like a nice guy. I’ll wait until tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mummymummums · 29/09/2018 22:46

Given that it was June that you last saw her, I'd think the chances of you seeing her before your baby arrives aren't high. So it could be a long time. Or what if she splits from the boyfriend? These are reasons you shouldn't be thinking of her paying next time.
Just do what PP said and say you've thought again and would appreciate the money.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2018 22:54

The fact one of them is a doctor is irrelevant. My daughter house shared with a doctor, fully qualified practising gp, just got funding for his phd. He fucked off out of the house, stiffing her with paying 60 quid of his bills and sent her some abusive texts refusing to pay when she politely asked. Told her she was rude to ask, and that he legally didn't have to, but stated morally he should, but didn't bother his arse. He was so rude to her she cried. And this man was the epitomy of polite when they house shared.

She's 21 and was fresh out of uni and skint. You live and learn. Being a doctor doesn't mean you're not a morally corrupt piece of shit it seems.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 23:26

@Mummymummums they were travelling over the summer otherwise I tend to see her about month for dinner

@Bluntness100 Point of him being a doctor was I didn’t think he wouldn’t have any money

OP posts:
Mummymummums · 29/09/2018 23:41

Ok - you see her once a month OP. Yet you've only met the bf once. If you see her alone and she pays for you, you still paid for two of them.
Or if she splits from bf she might not see it as her responsibility to pay for you and your DH if you went out in a three.
I was just saying I don't think you'll see the money if you suggest she pays 'next time', but it's your risk, not mine.

Dieu · 30/09/2018 00:27

They should pay for their share of the meal, but to ask for the £10 back is embarrassing.

dustarr73 · 30/09/2018 03:03

@AliceRR she wanted somewhere more expensive.You have trouble with her before.So its pre bf.

MudCity · 30/09/2018 03:26

Just text her tomorrow if she still hasn't paid, and say shit sorry, just checked bank account, we are short this month, can you just transfer money.

Absolutely this. Make it clear you need the money. No options.

klondike555 · 30/09/2018 03:49

Point of him being a doctor was I didn’t think he wouldn’t have any money

Having (the) money and actually paying your obligations are two completely differently things.

Windmillsinsummer · 30/09/2018 04:11

Text her saying you've had an unexpected direct debit come out of your account so could she please transfer the money she owes you. Stop dithering she will forget ahout the next time and probably swerve paying again.
You are about to have a baby you need to stop being a mug that £60 could buy you months worth of nappies.

sofato5miles · 30/09/2018 04:29

Agree with PP. Do not give her an out due to embarrassment and manners I.e. you get the next one. You don't mean it and do feel taken advantage of. You need to be clear. Tell her you need the money today as other PP suggested.

TotHappy · 30/09/2018 04:45

If I were here, I'd now think you don't need the money, no Biggie, so I'd wait till I got paid to transfer, or I'd wait and pay the bill next time. I wouldn't mind though, if you texted again and said a actually I need it now, but I would mind if you didn't and then got pissy with me for paying later, because you've said that would be fine!

Sequencedress · 30/09/2018 05:40

So she wanted to go somewhere expensive, which you vetoed, and didn’t bring her purse. So had you not vetoed you’d be stuck with a far higher bill.

Then she ‘told’ you you’d be paying. Yeah she did, she said she’d forgotten her purse so she’d have to transfer it to you. She didn’t ask, from what you’ve said (If she tries that again by the way you say, no, I can’t afford to do that, we’ll have to cancel. What a shame’ then say nothing. She’ll miraculously come up with a solution I guarantee it)
And now you’re still out of pocket.

How about you look at it this way since you’re about to be a Mum? She’s taking money from your baby. £60 is a lot of formula, nappies, wipes, babygros whatever. If you can’t be tough for yourself you’re going to have to learn to be tough for your child. There are a lot of people out there who’ll take the piss out of both of you if you let them. Part of being a Mum is protecting yourself and baby - that £60 needs to be in your account, not hers.

StarsHollow123 · 30/09/2018 06:12

Op, you weren't being polite when you said "or you can get the next one" you were being vague and indirect and gave the very clear appearance that you don't need the money to be paid back soon. If she has been travelling over the summer then it's likely she doesn't have a lot in her account right now so she'll be grateful that you're clearly not fussed about being paid back ASAP.

If you want the money back quickly say so. Don't expect her to be a mind reader when you've literally said the opposite to her but secretly didn't mean it.

You've managed to turn a 'she was being unreasonable' (for 'forgetting' purse and expecting you to pay) into a YABU. Learn from this before you have your baby - say what you mean and everyone is better off.

bubbles108 · 30/09/2018 06:17

I don’t think it’s deliberate with her

I do. I definitely do.

Itchytights · 30/09/2018 08:27

You really need to grow a pair and be much more assertive op otherwise people will walk even more all over you,as they've done here.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/09/2018 08:51

@StarsHollow124 Yes I shouldn’t have given her an “out” by saying you get the next one but she is s friend and I think that’s a fair way to treat a friend HOWEVER I don’t think she was fair by not responding to that or to my texts since to say she’d do one or the other. She just left it do u don’t know whether she plans to pay or not. Not ok by me. If it was me I’d have said I’ll transfer it anyway. But if it was me I wouldn’t have gone out to dinner and forgotten my purse.

@Mummymummums yes I agree it’s better to have the money

@Sequencedress Yes exactly she told me she’d have to just transfer me the money later. She didn’t even say “is that ok?” It hadn’t crossed her mind that I might not have the money to spare given j hadn’t planned to pay for all of us.

@dustarr73 Sorry don’t understand your point

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/09/2018 08:54

@StarsHollow123 And even if she just wanted pay later she should say. I think it is polite to not push a friend to give you money they owe you within an hour but she can’t expect me to be a mind reader either.

I am being flexible and was inviting her to say they’d get the next one but she didn’t even do that.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 30/09/2018 12:31

@AliceRR she was always like this.Even before she had a boyfriend.

bimbobaggins · 30/09/2018 12:42

Any sign of the money today op? I’m guessing no

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 30/09/2018 12:42

Christ OP you need to grow a pair

Candlelights2345 · 30/09/2018 12:49

Jeez, be more assertive, you do want this kine back.
Just send another text along the lines of ‘hi CF friend, I enjoyed the meal on Friday it was good to see you. please can you transfer the £x for your & CF boyfriend’s meal ASAP. Thanks, see you soon’. Be straight to the point, ask her for the cash, I think she is doing this deliberately.

Original poster
AliceRR · 30/09/2018 13:02

Hi no money but she did reply to the texts I sent yesterday morning

No mention of meal money but she did say (about the show I gave her a tenner(ish) for) that oh yes you bought me a cocktail and I said I’d get you one but then you were pregnant. No that’s not what happened. I just said no I paid you and then you were hoping they’d give us a space later but they didn’t.

Anyway...

I then said (among messages about tv show we were discussing)

“Have you transferred money to me? Probably easier to do it that way in case it’s just the two of us next time or we end up going to somewhere much more pricey like [more expensive place she wanted to go]!”

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 30/09/2018 13:03

I do think she will put off paying if she can and, as I’ve said, I don’t trust her not to forget so will remind her

OP posts: