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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether I should let friends pay?

198 replies

AliceRR · 28/09/2018 21:43

DH and I went out for dinner with my friend and her boyfriend who I have met once but who is very nice.

She suggested an Italian place not far from us and we went there. It was really nice and we had a lovely evening.

We’ve only all been out together once before and that was when we were out at a restaurant for my birthday and everyone paid for themselves. Otherwise she and I usually go out the two of us and just split the bill down the middle.

They both somehow forgot their wallets and she did let me know about half an hour before we got there. She said we don’t have money so will have to transfer it to you.8 said ok that’s fine.

So we went out and then I paid for all of us (I had already agreed with DH I would pay for us!)

Anyway they mentioned in passing my friend transferring the money to me but not blatantly so I didn’t say anything but she will probably text l and ask for my bank details.

It occurs to me I should say that I should say it’s fine, we’ll get this one, and hopefully they would get the next one. But I feel like she’s the kind of friend who would forget(!) and he might just not know as he probably just expects she’ll transfer it to me.

I am 20w pregnant and saving up for mat leave so don’t just have money to throw away plus they probably earn the same as us between them.

What do you think?

I have her money earlier this year for an event that was cancelled and she didn’t end up paying for. It was not a lot, about £10 and she forgot about it. The last time I saw her (June maybe) it came up and she was apologetic and said sorry she forgot I’d given that to her and would sort it out next time but presumably forgot again. Tonight was more than £10 obviously...

That’s what makes me wonder if she’d just forget...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 18:43

@Aridane - An hour before we were due to meet she said neither of them have wallets so she will need to transfer the money to me. After the meal she texted and asked for bank details. I sent them.

To be fair (and perhaps I shouldn’t have) I sent my bank details but said or you get the next one if you prefer. But she didn’t acknowledge either. If she’d said “ok thanks we’ll get the next one” but she didn’t. She needs to either acknowledge they’ll get the next one or just pay, preferably the latter.

I don’t think she’s paid. She probably would have texted me. As long as it’s this weekend it’s fine but I think it’s a bit rude to just do not do it and not say anything. Like I said, for all she knows, I need the money in my account today...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 18:44

@burntoutbabe I think that’s perfecrly reasonable tbh

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 29/09/2018 18:46

You shouldn’t have given her an option. Chances of her saying they’ll get the next one, and then not being available for ages?

Just text her, saying you have a baby-related expense coming up and you need the money transferred tomorrow.

DH is forgetful, but he wouldn’t forget owing a close friend money. I would be mortified and pay as soon as I got home, if not in the restaurant itself.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 18:48

Well as she didn’t even say “we’ll get the next one” I will text her if she doesn’t pay by, say, tomorrow night

I texted her anyone this mor in fact

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 18:50

Ooops posted too soon!

I texted her anyway this morning so when she reads / replies that might jog her memory

I had also mentioned that I wouldn’t be going to the event (just a oh yes can’t go to the gin festival with you know obvs or the other thing) so that might jog her memory about money. I did it in a breezy way and she wouldn’t notice 🙄

I do just think she is forgetful but I find that slightly annoying

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 29/09/2018 19:16

OP.
You are far too nice. You gave her an out by saying maybe they pay next time. But when next time happens you won't be assertive to ask her to pay.
I'd send a follow up text saying, Really enjoyed myself yesterday. Thinking about it more, I think it would be best if you paid as per the bank details I sent you yesterday, that way we stay all square. Can you do it by the end of the w/e please?.

DistanceCall · 29/09/2018 19:18

Look, just tell her straight. "Oh, by the way, I haven't received the money yet. Things are a bit tight over here with my mat leave and all that. Can you let me know when you make the payment?"

Or something like that. You have nothing to be ashamed about. She's the one who forgets (?) her debts.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 19:19

@TeenTimesTwo Yes I shouldn’t have said that but the whole thing was I felt bad asking her to pay me! You’re right I shouldn’t have. But as she didn’t say they’d pay next time (if she has acknowledged that then I don’t think I could still ask her to pay) I will assume she will pay and will have to ask her if she doesn’t! I think I’ll give her to tomorrow night and then ask if she sent payment as I don’t seem to have it...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 19:21

@DistanceCall Yes I think I will ask if she hasn’t done it by tomorrow

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PartAnd · 29/09/2018 19:24

You are making this so difficult. It’s painful to read your posts agonizing over this simple issue.

If you want the money just phone her and ask her or text her again. With a straightforward request. Not a hint or an option that you don’t even mean. It’s not rude and it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. You are making it complicated.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 19:31

@PartAnd I don’team to. I wanted opinions on whether I would be tight to give hery bank details to for her pay me rather than say it’s on us. The majority seem to agree it’s reasonable to expect her to pay. She has asked for bank details and I have given them to her. Now I’ll give her the weekend to pay.

OP posts:
PartAnd · 29/09/2018 20:48

I hope she pays. 😊

In future make sure you think things through before offering to pay or do favours. You are too nice for your own good. As I've got older I find it easier and easier to be upfront about things with people. I'm never rude but I wouldn't think twice about asking for money if I'm owed it. I think my lack of embarrassment makes it less embarrassing for everyone.

One thing I do before agreeing to favours is to make myself pause before I say anything. If I'm really not sure I'll say so and ask to get back to whoever asked the favour.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:15

@PartAnd Well I should have been more direct perhaps last night when she text but I was just being polite and I did give her my bank details so the decent thing would have been to pay.

I think I can be a bit of a doormat in that way! I’m quite direct in a lot of ways but when it comes to money and food and that kind of thing I think I can be a bit of a pushover! But I think you do learn from experience which is the point I’m getting to

But in terms of the initial “favour” I didn’t really have a choice when she said they didn’t have wallets in them!

I’m glad we went where we did which was relatively cheap and cheerful compared to the place she has suggested!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/09/2018 21:20

So you gave her the option of not paying, just if she prefers, she'd pay for the next one, of which no date is set.

She doesn't have to pay you now if she doesn't wish to. I'm surprised you gave the option if you can't really afford it.

As such, I'm not really sure what this thread was about. You just went ahead and told her she didn't have to pay you anyway.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:25

@Bluntness I accepted I shouldn’t have said it that way but I was being polite.

The point of the thread was should I have just said that as I felt cheeky giving her bank details.

If she wants to pay next time then fine, she is a friend, but she should have at least replied and said that she’ll do that when I said it. She asked for bank details and I gave them and said or pay next time if you prefer but she didn’t say no she’d rather pay pay and she didn’t say she’d pay next time so I’d rather not leave it open ended given she is liable to forget anyway

If she doesn’t pay or mention it I will ask her tomorrow as I think it a bit rude to not either pay or acknowledge that they should pay next time. She didn’t do either. And she hasn’t been in touch all day despite my texts this morning.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2018 21:25

*I think I can be a bit of a doormat in that way! I’m quite direct in a lot of ways but when it comes to money and food and that kind of thing I think I can be a bit of a pushover! But I think you do learn from experience which is the point I’m getting to

But in terms of the initial “favour” I didn’t really have a choice when she said they didn’t have wallets in them!*

You really need to grow a spine because you're about to become a family and you need to learn to put their interests first and not be so wet. You're still not learning and dithering about with her. You always have a choice! When she told you they didn't have their wallets, you had the choice to say, that's a pity. I can't afford to cover you this time so we'll need to re-arrange. Yes, it's really that simple.

I’m glad we went where we did which was relatively cheap and cheerful compared to the place she has suggested!

She owes you SIXTY QUID and that's your idea of cheap and cheerful? Some people have more money than sense, seriously.

If you allow people to rip you off, don't be surprised when they do.

Aridane · 29/09/2018 21:26

OP - you are being so silly. Friend forget her wallet - no biggie (despite what posters are saying. You pay, she texts you for bank details so she can transfer the money. All good. And what do you,do? Say she doesn’t have to pay but can get the next meal!!

Di11y · 29/09/2018 21:26

I don't see any reason why you can't text to say sorry I'm a bit skint this month and what with may leave could do with your share now after all hope that's ok!

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:28

We were texting about other things too last night when she asked for bank details which is when I said here they are but you can just get the next one if you prefer but isn’t it odd not to mention that you’ll do one or the other? I’d either say no it’s ok I’ll send it, or I’d just pay and then say I’d don’t it, or maybe say “ok thanks we will get the next one”

Anyway I fear I am going on now. Like I said I’ll see what happens tomorrow and then text her again if needs be but hopefully won’t need to since she hasn’t read my last texts (whatsapp)

OP posts:
Delatron · 29/09/2018 21:28

She won’t pay as you have given her a get out clause with the breezy indirect ‘or you can pay next time’. Why??
She has form for this and now owes you quite a lot of money!

londonrach · 29/09/2018 21:29

Who forgets their wallet if going out of meal...maybe one but two...cf. text them now and ask for that extra £10. Never pay for them again. If they cant pay next time...their problem. You pay your bit only...

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2018 21:30

Well I agree op, your friend has taken the piss. Just text her tomorrow if she still hasn't paid, and say shit sorry, just checked bank account, we are short this month, can you just transfer money.

And we sometimes in our group have people who pay for everyone, ie tickets or whatever and we always transfer the money immediately. Because that's what friends do.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:31

@LeftRightCentre - £120 with a tip is not that bad for four adults having three courses and drinks including a bottle of wine but the place she suggested is known to be expensive which is one of the reasons I didn’t want to go

@Di11y I have said I probably shouldn’t have said “or you can get the next one”. Accepted! But I still think she should have said ok we’ll get the next one otherwise I expect her to pay now!

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HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 21:35

I think she's going to ignore you and not pay. I'd do as PP suggested text again tomorrow saying actually you have a big expense coming up so could she transfer the money today.

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/09/2018 21:38

I was just going to say have you transferred the money? But would feel
More comfortable doing that if she replies to the texts she sent earlier. If they didn’t have money they shouldn’t have come out. One of the is a doctor / training surgeon ffs!

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