AIBU - DP and shaving legs

[LegHair]

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

Jacques - how do you know he "literally" makes no effort himself?

Because the OP would have said "he does X for me" - plus as I said, the catchphrase of men who wish to manipulate their partners.

The point was that if either partner stops making an effort whilst the other person continues to then it's not surprising if the one making the effort thinks the other person is acting like they're not interested anymore

So again, it is their fault if they cheat? The poor unappreciated menz being faced with hairy legs. God life is tough, right?

Im not sure that shaving is about a wholesale need to feel sexy, but it may be to some, and that's fine if that's their feelings.

I'm 49. I've been with my husband since I was 20. I doubt he'd even notice if I didn't shave my legs, although I guess if I was wearing a skirt and presenting like a yeti he'd be a bit I do it because I prefer it as said, our relationship is clearly about accepting one another, being comfortable with one another, and really isn't about petty issues regarding what I chose to do with my body hair.

Because that's my choice. I'm surprised you think preferring your partner shaved, means you dont care or accept one another. I suspect if my husband chose to grow a beard, I'd have something to say about it, I don't see it as meaning I don't care about him, or am not comfortable with him.

The same if he chose to give up washing himself, or took to wearing Jesus sandals, socks and Hawaiian shirts, I'd probably say something, as he probably would me if I took to wearing sandals, American tan pop socks, and knee length skirts, with a Hayley Baldwin anorak.

Physical attraction and love are two different things. They over lap, but you can have one without the other.

I think it's weird that you think strangers shouldn't see hairy legs but your husband can't complain.

I can't bear body hair but I don't like it on men either.

All the people saying hairy legs are "gross" are absolutely ridiculous. They are on your legs. If they are gross on women, they should also be gross on men.

The only body hair I remove (pubes + pits) I also ask my partner to remove. Hairy armpits on men I'm not a huge fan of because the hair collects sweat, can make armpits smell worse, and feels bad when sweaty around your shoulder in a summer festival. Also hairy pubes aren't that nice in the mouth. But it's my personal preference and I wouldn't go on a fucking forum calling anyone that doesn't comply gross! I don't wear deodorant because I literally have no need for it - I have that gene where you have odourless sweat, and also I never sweat anyway. Someone a few pages back called that gross too, charming.

But there is nothing gross about leg hair on either gender, and anyone who thinks so has been duped massively by decades of Venus ads and social conditioning.

I think it's weird that you think strangers shouldn't see hairy legs but your husband can't complain.

I only shave in summer because I'm scared of judging glares from other women.

I know my partner doesn't care so I don't bother when it's only him seeing my legs (in winter).

I only shave in summer because I'm scared of judging glares from other women

That's very sad. To live your life scared of the judgement of others. But I see your point, we have been told by a poster on here she judges women who shave as radicalised and infantilised by society. Another poster told us we wanted to look like children. Others have said its gross not to shave. So women who judge other women negatively, judging either way, are absolutely walking amongst us.

But these are the people to ignore. They are not worth your time. Live your life as you please and don't be scared of other women's judgement, because if this thread has shown one thing, it's you could be negatively judged either way by one of these women.

Surely its normal to be more relaxed in your own home around your long term partner than strangers or aquaintances or colleagues. Do people who find that wierd also find it wierd to kick off shoes, go braless, or go without make-up or styled hair in front of their partner? Lots of women won't leave the house without make-up, hair done and a bra on, but hopefully manage to be seen by their partner - that doesn't mean that they respect strangers more than their partner.

Blunt

I am not the one ‘throwing my toys out of the pram’ here.

I am simply making relevant points regarding the subject topic. There is no ‘ranting’ here.

Why not have a cup of tea and calm down a bit? Maybe then you can analyse why simple truth is upsetting you so much?

Yes, you are camel, and I think you know I'm not upset, you're just trying to turn it back on me as a way to mitigate your own behaviour.

You're making offensive posts, telling us we have been radicalised or infantilised by society if we chose to shave.

We do, we haven't been, get over it, you can be as hairy as you like, but stop attacking other women for their choices.

Jacques: The poor unappreciated menz being faced with hairy legs. God life is tough, right?

That's not what was said in either posts. Get a grip.

I rarely shave my legs through winter. I'm not very hirsute, so the hairs aren't that noticeable.

But I tend not to do it because I can't be bothered, and DH wouldn't notice either way. Or, more likely he does, but wouldn't say.

I'd never leave the house with bare, unshaven legs, no matter how unnoticeable they are, as like others, I'd expect to be judged for it, and I don't fancy that.

I'd rather be considered 'sad' for worrying about being judged, than judged as some sort of free-wheeling yeti, tragic as that might make me. I've been well conditioned by the patriarchy, I don't deny it.

Surely its normal to be more relaxed in your own home around your long term partner than strangers or aquaintances or colleagues

Of course but that doesn't mean I'm not going to notice if I got into bed with my DH and notice a beer gut/bad breath/BO/uncomfortable stubble etc. and not find him as sexy as I would when he makes an effort currently not to bring those things to the bedroom. I am no longer the waif I was when I met DH, we both have more wrinkles, I don't wear make up round the house, he'll slob out watching the footie in tracky bums that have certainly seen better days... but we still largely make an effort to keep ourselves attractive to one another both in behaviour and appearance.

I'd rather be considered 'sad' for worrying about being judged, than judged as some sort of free-wheeling yeti, tragic as that might make me. I've been well conditioned by the patriarchy, I don't deny it

It's not tragic, or sad. Many people, if they were honest, would consider themselves in the same boat, Dowager.

I really don't care other people do. How other women choose to present their bodies is entirely a matter for them.

It's the mindless name calling of women who choose not shave that is so hard to read. Calling other women 'vile,' 'disgusting' and 'dirty' for not pandering to an aesthetic ideal is appalling.

We should all want better for the next generation of women, frankly.

@Bluntness, agree, and the moment I know I've reached full self-confidence and assurance will be the moment I can step out all summer with hairy legs. I did it on holiday because I knew I'd never see any of the people again and it was so liberating.

It's super unfair women feel they need to do something they consider unnecessary just to not get looks from strangers and feel uncomfortable in shorts, but alas, that's what society's created. Actual grown women telling other women they're disgusting if they don't look like a dolphin.

But you're right - they're not the sorts of people I'd be friends with so really I shouldn't give a shit about their opinion.

But that judgement has went both ways on this thread. Women have been insulted for shaving and for not shaving.

And it's women insulting other women. You're vile or disgusting if you don't shave, radicalised, infantilised or your partner's a paedo if you do shave, there is judgement either way.

I don't even think my DP notices when I DO shave

If he doesn't prefer to shave him legs too I can't see how this "preference" is anything other than sexist bullshit. If his reasoning is because you're a woman, that tells you all you need to know.

That's what gets me - women have been sold this lie that men love shaved women, but a lot of men don't really give a shit. If they love you for who you are, they don't care, and if they're the type that just want sex, they don't care.

It's 90% women doing the judging and egging each other on and propping up this market that doesn't need to exist. Just like contouring and scouse brows and loads of other things literally invented by Loreal staff in a boardroom saying "right, what can we invent next that we can convince women they NEED to do?".

It's been made very clear in our house that if my husband grows any (ginger) facial hair it may not be grounds for divorce but he's unlikely to experience very much sex. Is he oppressed?

My fiancé once said he would not like it if I went months without shaving my legs. I had a discussion about it with him feminist issues relating to it etc. He said he had never considered these viewpoints and he said in reality hairy legs don't make me any less sexy to him and don't really matter!

UT, in reality, hairy legs on a woman are unlikely to look attractive

That’s your definition of attractive.

Why are people trying to use lack of basic hygeine as a direct comparison for having hairy legs?!

Having hairy legs doesn't equate to a lack of cleanliness.

Is he oppressed?

He's manipulated. But then I've never really understood adults who use the withdrawal of sex as a threat to get other adults to modify their behaviour. (Apart from where contraception or lack thereof is concerned).

Obviously you should only shave your legs if you want to. BUT, in reality, hairy legs on a woman are unlikely to look attractive.

I find hairy legs on women extremely attractive.