AIBU - DP and shaving legs

[LegHair]

Am long time lurker and first time poster.

Was having a bath this evening, with DP sat in the bathroom chatting. Somehow ended up in a row about me not shaving my legs “because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other”.

Haven’t shaved legs in some time, because quite frankly I have better things to do with my time and rarely wear shorts or dresses that show off my legs. Always shave on holiday or when wearing dresses etc.

My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship.

So mumsnet jury - who IBU?

I shave and am hair free because it makes me feel good. I feel a bit unkempt if I don't and I also do this because my partner likes it.
He shaves his face, even though it gives him a rash, because he knows I find him sexier that way but I would never ask him to do this and he would never comment if I was hairier, and hasn't at times when I was poorly and didn't have the energy or inclination to shave.
We do these things for each other because we know it's the others preference and like I say I feel good.

I hate the feeling, and it's only been a few times, when being intimate and I realise that I'm so hairy I should check to see if it's paws or feet at the end of my legs. I feel so not sexy then.

Not U but I think onyourbike is right - if you shaved your legs during your early relationship because it's "sexier" then fair dos for him to say he finds it less sexy now that you've stopped doing it. And he's right - you should make an effort for each other and that includes him not letting standards slip in personal grooming/behaviour/treatment of you too.

He didn't say he loved you less; he said he found your hairy legs less sexy than your shaved legs.

My DH would never, ever say anything to me about it because he knows I'd pull a feminist rant on him but whilst I'm lucky enough to have hair-free legs I do need to shave under my arms and sometimes in winter I cba will every now and then think, ok he makes an effort for me and I need to reciprocate. Ditto if either of us got fat, had bad breath, didn't make an effort to dress nicely when going out just the two of us.

Oh god the disturbing argument of if you shave you look like a child. It's so ludicrous.

I shave, no part of my body resembles that of a child. No Male has ever thought it does. I look like an adult woman, with body hair or without. I have brought up a daughter, I was once a little girl, I know the difference full well.

And for anyone who thinks it makes you look like a child, then have a think about yourself and why you think that disgusting and erroneous thought. Because it's creepy and it's wrong.

I prefer smooth legs or armpits, aesthetically and from how it feels, it doesn't mean I wish to look like a child, my body my choice.

If someone wishes to be hairy, then go for it, you have the right to do so without being criticised, if others wish not to be, we have the same right, and not to stand accused of either attempting to infantilising ourselves or that our partners are some form of paedophile, or that we are some sort of brain washed, idiotic, anti feminist who simply adheres to societal expectation.

Sometimes people get very angry because a suggestion contains an element of truth....

@ltk big difference between asking someone keep up their normal standards of appearance and asking them to permanently change a feature (I.e nose).

There is this 'oh my god men can't ask woman to lose weight!!!' issue but I've asked my husband to - I don't find it attractive and it's unhealthy, so if he's getting bigger I tell him so.

Ultimately no one can make you do anything, and the choice is totally yours to make, but i don't understand the point of even being in a physical relationship if you totally lose value of what makes each other attractive. Then you become more like friends (which I guess is fine if you don't really mind about the sex part).

If you are in a sexual relationship. Then you should make an effort. - Personally, any man who is lucky enough to get within a hair of my body, should be thanking his lucky stars, not criticising that body.

To me, 'making an effort' is being kind and loving, and looking after him/her. If your relationship is based on how much hair one of you has, then the relationship is dead and cold.

Yanbu to not shave your legs. You Abu to demand he find your hairy legs sexy. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

And it's only 'sexier' or 'more feminine' or 'more natural' for women to shave (or wear dresses, or high heels, or make up or ...) BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN TOLD IT IS!

It isn't. Some of us, male or female, can think beyond the Page3/porn/filmstar effect. Donald trump I'm looking at you.

My body, my choice (with the full knowledge I make no choices in a vacuum and the choice to remove body hair is one I've been socialised into making). Sometimes I remove loads, sometimes I can't be arsed. i don't have time for anyone who slates me for having hair, I don't have time for anyone who slates me for removing it.

On balance DH prefers smooth to hairy, but not to the extent that he would ask me to remove hair or make unpleasant comments if I had not. We certainly don't have less sex in the periods I can't be bothered to depilate. On balance I prefer when DH has a full beard and has trimmed his pubes, but again not to the extent that I'd whine about it or pressure him or refuse sex if he hasn't.

I am a woman with more than my fair share of body hair. If I shave my legs before bed they will no longer be smooth by morning, my bikini line seems keen to meet up with my knees, I have excess hair on my chest, abdomen, jaw back, etc etc etc. I can't be doing with women who have a lot less body hair naturally, telling me off for wanting to remove or reduce mine. That annoys me as much as people telling me I should remove it. I'll do what works for me and you do what works for you and let's just stop giving each other shit about it, please...

Personally, any man who is lucky enough to get within a hair of my body, should be thanking his lucky stars, not criticising that body.

I think that's a weird attitude.I don't feel lucky to get within a hair of my partner's body. You can have preferences without criticising. No man would get to decide for me what I do with my body but I'm more than happy to make a bit of effort to look nice and would expect the same in return.

While kindness and love are more important than attractiveness that doesn't mean I don't care at all about the way my partner looks and presents himself. I wouldn't love him less if he showered less often or didn't ever get a hair cut but I'd find him less attractive.

The reason society likes women to be smooth, hairless, wrinkle free and ‘soft’ is absolutely because it sets beauty in youth. Especially in women.

Whether you like it or not, women being expected to groom off all the signs of puberty, is a disturbing societal norm.

Society is infantising you. No one is blaming you for going along with it, radicalism is not an easy choice

He's a sexist prick. Tell him you prefer shaved balls and legs on men, and because he's expresses his preference now you are, too. See how long he can keep that up.

I don't shave my legs most of the time. My husband does not give a shit. To be fair he can't really complain as he is the hairy man beast.

In fact I only shave my pits as that's my preference, everything else is au natrel except if I'm swimming or sometimes in summer.

Yanbu maybe on a "special occasion" you might CHOOSE to treat him but it's up to you. IMO desirability in a long term relationship becomes less to do with primping and preening and more about a real connection. It shouldn't matter (as long as hygiene is good obvs!)

Tell him you prefer shaved balls and legs on men, and because he's expresses his preference now you are, too. See how long he can keep that up.

^ This

@LegHair

"My point is that I want to be made to feel sexy and loved no matter what I choose to do with my body which is how I try to be with DP in the relationship."

You can't expect someone to find you sexy just because they love you, that's not how attraction works for many people. Also he didn't say he doesn't love you, you're mixing up the two things together into one big pile when they are separate issues.

By your logic you should be able to stop bathing, brushing your teeth, and hair, gain 300 kilos, and not use deodorant and he is expected to still find you sexy. 😂 You can use the tired line "If you really loved me you would..." to justify anything no matter how outlandish.

When a woman or man stops putting effort into their appearance once they're "comfortable" in the relationship that makes the other partner feel like they don't care and aren't worth making the effort for. Feelings like that can grown into sadness and resentment and them looking for someone else who will care enough about what they think to make the effort.

What stood out for me from your post OP was because you know I like it and we should make the effort for each other.

The male catchphrase for getting women to adhere to their own ideals of what feminine should be whilst making literally no effort themselves.

Feelings like that can grown into sadness and resentment and them looking for someone else who will care enough about what they think to make the effort

Women who don’t shave your legs, it’s YOUR fault if your partner is unfaithful

Society is infantising you. No one is blaming you for going along with it, radicalism is not an easy choice

Huge lol, over dramatic much? You continue to be hairy, I shall continue to not be. You can continue to throw your toys out your pram screaming society has infantilised me and I've been radicalised, I shall continue to let you be and not care about your hairy legs or pits.

Just don't expect me to agree with you, or see you as some form of feminist role model. Why? Because I believe in choice. And not insulting other women for their choices. For me, that's as anti feminist as it gets.

Jacques - how do you know he "literally" makes no effort himself?

There are loads of women who tell their male partners to was their hairy backs.

wax

Feelings like that can grown into sadness and resentment and them looking for someone else who will care enough about what they think to make the effort

Women who don’t shave your legs, it’s YOUR fault if your partner is unfaithful hmm

Nice selective quote and leap to extreme conclusion there. The point was that if either partner stops making an effort whilst the other person continues to then it's not surprising if the one making the effort thinks the other person is acting like they're not interested anymore.

How do people who have a very high need to be/feel 'sexy' cope with getting older?

I'm an older Mumsnetter and really value the side of my relationship which is about accepting one another and being comfortable with each other. Our bodies are nothing like the media images of sexual desirability - though we are both in good health and exercise regularly. But we care for one another.

(A bit of a tangent from the issue of body hair, but the thread is also about how people care for one another.)

Obviously you should only shave your legs if you want to. BUT, in reality, hairy legs on a woman are unlikely to look attractive.

At the end of the day he should love you no matter what you look like, but being attracted to someone tends to have some basis in a person's physical appearance, and that fact is unavoidable.